Ep #182: Why You Give Up Before You Even Start (and How to Stop)

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, Episode #182. If you’ve ever caught yourself giving up before you even start, let’s talk about what that is and how to manage it.

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, where you’ll learn how to build both a strong body and a strong mind by eating, moving, and thinking. I’m your host Physician, Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach and Certified Life Coach, Carrie Holland. 

Hey, how are you? What’s new? What’s good? So, what’s good here? Today we’re talking about something I don’t think I’ve ever put words to, but once I saw it, once it came up during a client session, I couldn’t unsee it. And honestly, I see versions of it everywhere in my clients, in myself, especially in December, when life feels just a little heavier, a little busier, and everything feels just a bit more challenging. And this all started with something one of my clients said. It was just one sentence, but it inspired this entire podcast because she put into words something I have seen so often but didn’t really have a way to describe until now.

So, I was talking with this client about snacking at work. She’s mentioned that there are often treats in the break room, and it’s most definitely a challenge for her to walk past those treats and not have them. And part of the problem is that once she has one, it often doesn’t end there. She usually ends up going back for another piece and another bite, another little taste, and ultimately ends up eating snacks when she intended to avoid it altogether. And I think this is a good example because this challenge is not at all unique to her. In fact, I spend a lot of time talking with clients about snacking at work, and the break room can be a real challenge, especially at this time of year.

So, as we were talking about this, we were brainstorming ideas about alternatives: drinking water, stepping outside of the break room, eating one of the snacks that she packed in her work bag, taking a walk around the office, all the usual things. And we had also talked about how she was going to talk herself through it because we have lots of strategies for what she could actually do in the moment, but I also wanted to address how she was going to talk to herself and what she was going to say to herself when her brain started offering up all kinds of excuses for why she should eat the cookies sitting on the break room table.

And while we were talking, she appeared to be nodding along, agreeing, even writing ideas down in her notebook, but something felt off. It felt like we were just talking. As I watched her facial expressions and listened to her words and her tone, I didn’t get the sense that there was any belief behind what she was saying. There was no weight to it, no energy behind it. It almost felt like she was humoring me. And then she said, in a completely casual matter-of-fact voice, “I already know I’m going to have it.”

And that was it. That’s when it all started to make sense. The way she said it, the tone, the speed, the certainty. It wasn’t just a sentence, it was an entire mindset wrapped up into eight words. It was resignation, and not after the fact, not after the decision, but before. And it stood out to me because it wasn’t even dramatic. It wasn’t emotional. There was no struggle in her voice. If anything, there was a sense of relief, like she was finally telling me the truth after politely agreeing with me for 20 minutes. And that’s what made it so striking. It was quiet, it was calm, and it was matter-of-fact like she was reporting the news. And underneath it was her very real belief, “This isn’t possible for me. I’ve already lost.”

And once I understood what was going on, everything we had been talking about suddenly felt flimsy. Because of course, the drink of water or her pre-packaged snack or the walk around the building that we were talking about, none of that was going to stick. None of those tools matter if deep down you’ve already checked out of the decision before it’s time to make it. And that’s just it. My client’s decision was made long before she even walked into the break room, before the treats even showed up.

So, to make this perfectly clear, she was not wrestling with the cookie. She was wrestling with the belief that she had no choice and zero agency around the cookies. And that, that pre-decision is the part that most of us never see. We think the problem is the treat or the willpower or the busy day, but sometimes we lose the battle in our minds before the situation even happens. And I recognized it because I do this too. So just the other day, and maybe this is being too honest, but here we are, I had a full day with no client calls. It was a perfect writing day, a day to put my nose down and get a lot of work done. And I sat down at my desk in the morning, and I just knew. I knew I wasn’t going to get it done. There was zero fight, zero engagement, really just zero all around. And instead, I watched puppy videos. I did online Christmas shopping. I paid some bills. I basically did everything except the thing I needed to do. I had pre-resigned. I had given up before I even tried.

And so many of my clients do this too, whether it’s around snacking or nighttime eating or workouts. They want to do better. They really desire it. There is a part of them that really wants change, but they also believe that change has to be big, all in, 100%, massive effort, and they know that is not sustainable. So instead of aiming for something smaller or more realistic, they give in. They tell themselves it’s already lost. So this is perfectionism tangled up with hopelessness, and the result is pre-resignation. And the hard part is that it doesn’t even feel like giving up. It feels responsible. It feels like telling yourself the truth about what you can or can’t do, even when that truth is completely outdated.

So let’s talk about what pre-resignation actually is and what it isn’t, so you can start looking for it. Pre-resignation is the decision you make before the decision you think you’re making. So let me say that one more time. It’s the decision you make before the decision you think you’re making. What in the heck does that mean? So pre-resignation is the quiet, automatic, invisible checking out that happens way before the moment you think you failed. It happens before you have the chance to prove a different outcome to yourself.

But here’s the part I want to spell out. Pre-resignation feels so fast, so subtle, and so familiar that most of us don’t even register it as a decision. It just feels like truth. It just feels like this is how it always goes. But it is a decision. It’s a split second one that you make so fast you don’t even realize you made it. It’s the moment you silently hand your power to the urge or the mood or the stress or the old version of you. Really, it’s a subtle declaration that you make to yourself that says, “I won’t do it. I’ll never stick to it. This is just what happens.” And because you say it so quickly, you start believing it’s fact instead of a choice.

And honestly, that’s the part that matters. You decide you’ve already failed way before you ever get the chance to succeed. And this shows up everywhere, not just with food. So for me, it shows up around speaking up. So I tend to be agreeable. I do not like to rock the boat. I also don’t like conflict. And if I’m being fully honest here, I’ve had to unlearn some deep-rooted fear around this. I grew up in a home where speaking up often led to someone getting angry, sometimes even violent, and someone else leaving. So for me, the lesson I learned was that using my voice and saying something was dangerous. And even now, as a fully grown adult woman, in certain situations, I can feel myself pre-deciding, I’m not going to say anything. And I resign myself before I even open my mouth.

And pre-resignation, it feels awful. It feels both heavy and hollow at the same time, like a pit in your stomach mixed with early disappointment. And part of that heaviness is the dishonesty of it because pre-resignation is always, always based on dishonesty with yourself. You’re telling yourself you’re trying when really, you’ve already decided you’re not. And I see this all the time in my clients. I have a client who makes very detailed, organized, spelled-out plans for exercising and eating during our sessions. But then she’ll also tell me in the same breath that as soon as work gets busy, which it always does, that the plan is done. It’s gone. She’s already resigned that work will win. She’s already decided she will come last. It’s automatic. And when she says it, it’s not distressed, it’s not dramatic. She says it as if it’s a fact and not a choice, as if the decision has already been made for her, and she’s just informing me of the outcome.

So if you hear yourself at all in any of this, or if you’ve ever found yourself pre-resigned, or that you’re checked out before you even try, let’s talk about why this happens. Let’s pick some of this apart. So first, pre-resignation happens because of your past evidence. Remember, your brain likes to predict. It looks at what you’ve done before and assumes you’re going to do the exact same thing again. So if you’ve skipped the workout before, or if you’ve eaten the cookie before, or if you’ve bailed on the plan before, your brain takes that as proof of what you’ll do next. It’s just saying, “We’ve been here before. We know how this goes.” And when your brain thinks it knows how it goes, it doesn’t bother offering you any alternatives and acts like the result is already decided.

Pre-resignation also happens because of identity conflict. And here’s what I mean by this. You can want to be the woman who works out regularly or eats differently or wakes up early or sets boundaries. But wanting doesn’t mean that you believe you’re that woman yet. You can want the healthier, stronger version of yourself but still identify with the version who breaks her own promises. And that internal conflict between what you want and who you are right now, that creates a quiet tug of war, but it’s real. And when you’re in that tug of war, resignation often feels easier than trying to move toward the newer identity you’re trying so hard to build because that resignation reinforces the story you’ve been believing about yourself for years.

And then let’s not forget exhaustion. So that can come in the form of decision fatigue, mental load fatigue, holiday fatigue, caregiving fatigue, all of it, especially in December. This is a month where your brain is already doing overtime with more events, more planning, more emotions, really more everything. And when your brain is tired, your brain will also choose the path of least resistance. And trying even just a little bit feels like effort. So your brain says, “No, thank you,” and takes the shortcut and defaults to what you’ve always done.

And the last layer that leads you to pre-resignation is emotional protection. And this is the quiet, sneaky one. Pre-resignation protects you from disappointment. So think about it. If you tell yourself you’re not going to follow through before you even try, then you can’t be disappointed. You can’t fail because you never really gave yourself the chance to succeed in the first place. And as painful as that is, there’s a weird comfort in it. It’s familiar and it’s predictable. And the comfort of resigning ahead of time feels safer than risking the vulnerability of doing the thing and not knowing how it’s going to go.

So when you put these pieces together—your past evidence, your identity conflict, your exhaustion, and your desire to protect yourself—pre-resignation makes total sense. And when you zoom out and look at this, it becomes clear that this isn’t about failure or weakness. It’s about two different parts of you trying to protect you in very different ways. One part wants safety and one part wants growth. And both of those parts matter. Both are real and both show up. These are the two versions of you in the room.

So let’s talk about those two parts of you for a minute because they each have a job. And understanding those jobs makes everything about pre-resignation make so much more sense. So there is the first part of you that wants to evolve. That’s the part of you that wants more for your life. That’s the part that wants to show up differently. She’s the one who sets the alarm the night before, who signs up for the training plan, who puts the lettuce in the grocery cart, and who says to herself, “I want to feel better than this.” So that is the forward-facing version of you who has a vision and believes that something better is possible.

And then there’s the other part. That’s the part of you that learned a long time ago that shutting down feels safer. That’s the part of you that doesn’t want to be disappointed and would rather avoid than take a risk. And that part isn’t weak, it’s just protective. It’s the part of you that says, “Don’t speak up. It’s not worth the fallout,” or, “Don’t try that workout. You know you’ll quit anyway,” or, “Don’t skip the cookie. You always end up eating it.” And the goal is not to sabotage you. The goal of that part of you is to keep you from what it perceives to be emotional danger.

And here’s the thing to know about these two parts of you: they are not equal in strength or speed. So the part of you that wants change is steady but slower. She’s intentional. She thinks long-term. She believes in the version of you’re trying to become, but she takes her sweet time getting there. And that is the adult in the room. But the protective self, she’s quick, automatic, lightning-fast. She doesn’t think, she reacts. And she reacts based on old patterns or things that you’ve learned years or even decades ago about safety, danger, conflict, rejection, and failure. So that part of you has rehearsed those habits thousands of times. And that’s the part of you that’s practiced and very efficient.

And that is why it can be so hard to call on the part of you that wants better because that’s not the part of you who shows up first. When you are tired or stretched thin or overwhelmed or triggered or walking into an old environment, the protective part of you jumps in instantly and says, “I already know how this goes.” And it takes control before the other part of you even gets a chance to show up. And this is where pre-resignation lives, in the gap where the protective self jumps in and doesn’t give your evolving self a chance to do anything.

I see this very clearly in my own life, especially right now. There is a part of me, the stronger, steadier version of me, who knows how to take care of myself. She lifts. She runs. She eats her salad. She is not dramatic. She just shows up and does the work. And that part feels like home. But at the same time, there’s this younger version of me, the one who grew up in chaos, who learned that speaking up leads to fighting and fighting leads to abandonment. That version still most definitely comes out, and it comes out super fast. And when that happens, I can feel myself shrinking and pre-deciding, “Do not open your mouth. I am not going to say anything. Just shut it and take it.” And it’s taken me years to realize that it’s not laziness, it’s not weakness, it’s just old wiring.

And I see this same pattern in my clients. They want to work out. They want to eat differently. They want to set boundaries. But as soon as work gets stressful or their kids melt down or their partner is traveling, their protective self jumps in and takes over. That part of you says, “Let’s not make this any harder. Let’s stay with what we know.” And without even realizing it, they’re reverting back to the version of themselves they were trying to outgrow.

And here’s what you need to know. This is normal. It doesn’t mean you don’t want change. It doesn’t mean you don’t care. It just means your protective self is faster than your growing self and that part of you thinks it’s doing you a favor. And this, this tension between your two selves, this is the heart of pre-resignation because pre-resignation is not you being inconsistent, it’s just trying to protect you from discomfort, even if the cost is keeping you exactly where you are.

So, what do you do about pre-resignation? If you’re hearing this and you’re thinking, “Yes, I do this,” or if you can think of places in your life where you’ve resigned before you even tried, let’s talk about how to interrupt this cycle. Because if the protective part of you is fast and typically jumps in with stories that have been imprinted for decades, then you might wonder, what chance does the part of you that wants better even have? And it’s actually more than you think. But the way you access that part of you is not through willpower or brute force. Instead, it’s about giving yourself just enough space, like literally a few seconds, for the version of you who wants better to show up.

And to be clear, this is not where I give you a long list of steps or a complicated framework because that’s not what this is about. Pre-resignation doesn’t require a load of tools. Instead, it requires awareness and a tiny interruption. And that interruption starts with one thing, one simple question: Why am I choosing this right now? Not, “Why am I like this? Why can’t I ever? Why is it so hard?” Just, “Why am I choosing this right now?” That question brings the moment into focus. It slows you down and interrupts the autopilot just long enough for you to notice it. It gives you the opportunity to question the story your protective self is telling you. And it gives the growth-focused part of you a chance to speak up.

So essentially, it’s putting you back in the driver’s seat, even if it’s just for a few seconds. And often, really, that’s all you need, just a few seconds, some honesty, and some clarity. And here’s what you might notice when you slow down enough to ask that question. Sometimes your answer is, “I feel tired.” Sometimes it’s, “I don’t want to be disappointed.” Sometimes it’s, “I feel totally overwhelmed and just want relief.” And other times, your answer might be, “I just don’t want to deal with this today.” And whatever that answer is, it’s information. And that information tells you exactly which version of you is about to make your decision. And when you see which part of you is talking, you give yourself the opportunity to decide if that’s the part of you that you want making the call.

And for me, when I do this and I know that I’m leading from my younger, more scared self, what helps is when I tell myself, “Not today, Carrie.” Not in a harsh or punishing way, but in a focused way, like the way you’d talk to a friend. Like, “We’re not giving up on ourselves today.” And other days, I’ll just tell myself, “Hang on.” And even that tiny pause is enough to let the stronger version of me step forward. So even in my own life, when I use this, it is not fancy, it is not wild, but it is enough to stop and redirect me, and that’s all I need.

So the point is not to force yourself into a perfect choice or shame yourself. The point is to reclaim the moment before the moment, the moment where you usually check out and write a different ending to the story. So the goal is to stay in the choice long enough to actually participate in it. This is key, because once you’re in that moment where you’re awake, aware, and present, you can actually choose. And that is the opposite of resignation. That is honesty. And that’s growth right there.

And the more you practice this, the more familiar it becomes. You start noticing the moment when you usually check out. You start recognizing the sentences that predict resignation before it even hits. And with time, those 5 seconds don’t feel like an emergency. They just feel like a moment of truth. They feel like a moment where you wake up and reconnect instead of space out and abandon yourself. And honestly, that is what this work is about. Not about muscling your way through every urge or bad day, but proving to yourself, sometimes one minute at a time, that you still have a say in your own life.

So, as you head into the rest of your week, and honestly the rest of this month, I want you to remember something really important. Nothing is going wrong when pre-resignation shows up. You are not weak and you are not bad at follow-through. You’re a human being with a brain doing its job of keeping you comfortable, even if that comfort comes at the expense of the life you actually want. So what matters isn’t whether the protective voice shows up, because it will. What matters is whether you recognize it soon enough to let the other part of you speak up, the part that wants to grow, the part that wants something better, the part that is genuinely trying. That’s the part of you that’s building a different life, and that part of you deserves space.

Interrupting pre-resignation is not about getting it right every time. Really, it’s about honesty. It’s about giving yourself the chance to see what’s actually going on instead of slipping back into the old story you’ve believed for years. And it’s about staying with yourself long enough, even for a few seconds, to make a deliberate decision instead of checking out by default. And that’s what I want you to take away. You always have a moment, even if it’s a tiny one, where you can stay in it and come back to yourself. You can ask why. You can interrupt the spiral. You can see which part of you is about to take the wheel. You can give yourself just a short blip of time to make a different outcome possible.

And you do not have to overhaul your life. You don’t have to be perfect here, and you don’t have to win every moment. You just have to stop abandoning yourself before you even begin. You just have to stay present long enough to have a say. And that matters because you are not powerless here. You never were. All right?

And if you want help with this, let’s go. When you coach with me, this is exactly what we work on: catching the moments you usually miss, understanding the stories that lead you to resign before you start, and building the self-trust that makes change possible. If you’re ready to do this work, head to www.CarrieHollandMD.com/contact, and let’s talk about how coaching will help you stop abandoning yourself and start building the life you actually want. All right? Thank you again for hanging out with me, and I’ll catch you again next week.

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You’ll also find strength training tips to help you train smarter and see real results. My goal is to help you get strong and this strength-training guide will help you do it. Go to CarrieHollandMD.com/build strength and check it out.

Thank you for listening to the Strong Is a Mindset podcast. If you want to learn more about how to build both a strong mind and a strong body by eating, moving, and most importantly, thinking, check out CarrieHollandMD.com.