Ep #38: Troubleshoot Your Habits

You are listening to the Strong as a Working Mom podcast, Episode #38. If you’ve had trouble keeping healthy habits, see if any of these six roadblocks apply to you.

Welcome to the Strong as a Working Mom podcast. If you’re balancing career, family, wellness, and some days sanity, you are in the right place. This is where high-achieving, busy, working moms get the tools they need to eat, move, and think. I’m your host, physician, personal trainer, and Certified Life Coach, Carrie Holland. Let’s do this.

Hey, how are you? What’s new, what’s good? So, what’s good here is that we are going to talk about troubleshooting habits. Okay, so if it hasn’t come out before it is coming out today, that one of my most favorite things to talk about is habits.

And I love working with women on either establishing new ones, or busting up old, unhelpful ones. This is where we have the opportunity to get into the nitty-gritty and really pick apart habits in order to make them stick. And to me, that’s really fun.

So, I read it recently in Gretchen Rubin’s book, it’s called “Better Than Before” and it is most definitely true, and I wanted to share. “Habits are the invisible architecture of our lives.” So, think about that. Habits are invisible. Your brain doesn’t really register them consciously anymore. Instead, habits are hardwired into your brain and are automatic.

You can think of them as operating in the background, behind the scenes to keep your life running smoothly and efficiently. And they leave your brain with energy to focus on other more important tasks. Because of the way that habits operate, it only makes sense to try to make the things that are invisible and automatic in our lives be behaviors that support your health.

Like brushing your teeth, or washing your hands, or eating healthy foods and exercising, right? We want the healthy behaviors to be automatic. But it’s not that easy. For so many people overeating is a habit, not exercising is a habit, drinking more than you intended is a habit. Wasting an hour a night on your phone is a habit.

And while many of you may try a Dry January or join a gym, or swear up and down that starting this Monday, you’re not going to eat ice cream from the pint container while standing in front of the freezer before bedtime anymore, it doesn’t always go as planned.

Here’s where it gets tricky. Because of the very nature of habit, there is no thinking involved. And that’s a great thing for habits that help you, like brushing your teeth or washing your hands. But what about when you’ve got habits that don’t help you? So, then what?

So far, over the course of this podcast, we have talked about a lot of approaches to eating and moving. And many of you here are looking to optimize those things. By now, you know that in order to do that, in order to optimize your eating and moving, it is essential and really critical to optimize your thinking.

If you have started and stopped an exercise routine… If you tried eating healthier for a few weeks, and then went back to your routine of takeout… Or you were going to bed earlier for a few weeks and then stopped, you know what I’m talking about. It’s really easy for a new habit to go south.

I will argue that part of it is that you have to get your thinking in line with your eating and moving in order to succeed. So, if you have trouble getting your habits to stick, let’s troubleshoot. I’m going to cover some of the most common roadblocks I have run into when coaching people around their habits. See if any of these apply to you. And then, see if you can take any of the solutions I’m offering and try them out for yourself.

Here it is, my goal is to make changing your habits, whether it’s to add a new one or get rid of one that does not help you. My goal is to make this doable and realistic for you because you’re not stuck in your patterns forever. Even if you have tried and failed and tried and failed at changing the way that you eat or move, it is still 100% possible to change your habits; like, starting today, now. Okay?

So, let’s go, let’s talk about some of the common roadblocks.

Alright, first and foremost, the most common thing I see when I start working with someone is that she will come in and have in her mind that she is going to entirely revamp her nutrition. She may be eating a largely takeout, processed food diet and she decides from here on out it’s nothing but vegetables and lean protein.

But she is not done there, she has also decided that she’s going to stop being sedentary and start a new morning exercise routine three times a week, lifting weights for 30 minutes at 5am before she goes to work all day. She may even add on giving up alcohol, going to bed an hour earlier, and meditating, for good measure. Her plan is to do all of these at once.

I call this the “overhaul phenomenon”. So, let me be clear, my aim is never to discourage someone from pursuing positive behavior change. I am all for making positive changes for yourself and adopting new healthy habits. However, knowing what we know about the human brain and our capacity to accept change, this overhaul phenomenon is generally a recipe for disaster.

Remember, your brain does not love change. And most times, it will fight you tooth and nail when you go and try to make a big change. Now, imagine what your brain does when you go and stack two or three or four big changes on all at once. It just does not go well.

Your brain will reject all of it and say, “Forget this,” and give you every reason to stick with what you know, to stick with the status quo. And then as a result, nothing changes.

So instead, start small. How about tackling one small, low-hanging fruit in your diet first. Maybe that is as simple as you stop buying Pop-Tarts at the grocery store for breakfast, and you buy a drum of oatmeal instead.

I am talking micro steps here. Decide for yourself what is the smallest habit you can adopt that, one, will have an impact. And two, you can actually get yourself to do in order to be successful.

So, as an example, I have a few clients who currently eat zero vegetables. For one of them, having a bowl of green beans on the dinner table during dinner, is the micro step in the direction of having more vegetables at dinner. That’s it.

This is not giving up all takeout. It is not giving up all bread for eternity. It is opening up a can of green beans, nuking them, and having them on the table. She may not even eat them, but it’s a step in the right direction. And that works. That’s it, we do not make it any more complicated than that.

So, if you’re familiar with BJ Fogg’s amazing book “Tiny Habits”, he is a big proponent of working on no more than three habits at a time. But when he says this, he clarifies that these are the teeniest, tiniest habits you can imagine. Like, if you’re trying to adopt the habit of flossing your teeth, you start by flossing exactly one tooth a day, one tooth. I’ll get to more on this in a minute.

I will simply say that in my personal experience I have found that one thing at a time works. So, remember, less is more. Less is more. I have found really great success coaching clients to pick one thing and nail it. Often, a woman will come to me and say she wants to exercise because she isn’t currently doing anything to move her body.

She knows she’ll feel better if she does, so we work really hard to establish a solid, consistent, fun workout routine for her. And then, we get it dialed in and make it automatic. And once that is solid and it’s a wired-in habit, we move on to something else, like her diet.

Here is why I am such a proponent of one thing at a time. Think about what you’re doing when you’re changing a habit. From a neurologic perspective, you are waking up neural pathways that have been on autopilot for years, only to disrupt them and offer new ones.

That’s literally what you’re doing when you’re changing your habits. And that is a big ask of your brain. That takes a lot a lot a lot of energy. And remember, your brain is lazy, and it likes the path of least resistance. It will try to expend the least amount of energy possible.

The more habits you try to change at once, the more neural pathways you are waking up and turning off autopilot. You are taking them out of the background and bringing them into the forefront. And that takes energy, a lot of energy. So, if you can conserve and concentrate that energy on one habit and nail it, your brain will respond more favorably. To summarize: Pick one thing and nail it.

Alright. Similar, but different from “the overhaul” is the “0-60 phenomenon” that I also see commonly. Very simply, this is expecting too much from yourself too soon. This is a little different from the overhaul in that instead of changing a number of things all at once, you choose one thing. But instead of making a small adjustment, you make an enormous leap.

As an example, this is when you go from being completely sedentary and not doing any regular exercise since grad school, to deciding that you’re going to work out five days a week, 45 minutes at a time, doing a mix of cardio and strength training.

You might think that I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. I’ve had this conversation with some of you; it’s, “Go big or go home.” When prior to this decision, the most activity you got was walking to your mailbox. Or, from a nutrition standpoint, you decide that you’re giving up all carbs or all desserts or all fruit.

I’m serious when I say that I’ve had clients give up all fruit in an attempt to clean things up, because they think that fruit is what’s making them fat. Never mind the multiple glasses of wine or takeout. But that’s for a separate podcast.

So, this drastic approach is not uncommon. It gives us an opportunity to step back and really assess what’s going on here, because while these are very admirable goals, they are just not realistic. This is making the task too big. Again, knowing that your brain does not like change, think about how you can make the smallest change possible, that still feels like a stretch, without your brain freaking out on you.

One of my most favorite ways of going about this is to consider this: When you’re designing a new habit, what can you get done on your absolute worst day? And if you’re raising an eyebrow at me because I’m asking you about your worst day, hang on with me for a second, I got you. Okay?

So often, when we make a plan for change, we shoot for the moon. Again, in the exercise example, aiming for five days a week of 45 minutes, that is a big jump from being sedentary and doing exactly zero minutes of exercise. And too, consider the realities of your day-to-day. Sometimes, work runs long, and you miss your workout class. Other days, your kid is up all night puking and you got zero sleep. Or your car breaks down, and now you have to deal with that instead of going home to do your workout.

One of my clients said it best, and I will paraphrase here. She said, “When the stars align and everything goes as planned, it’s easy for me to get my workout in.” And I agree. When work is running smoothly, and your kids’ carpool picks up when they’re supposed to, and you get to sleep in your own bed all night, yeah, that makes it a lot easier to get your workout done.

But I don’t want you to think about your best days, at least not at the outset. Instead, I want you to imagine the ickiest day you can imagine, and then plan for how you’re going to take care of your habit on that day. Because it’s on those really awful days, when work goes an hour long or you’re stuck in traffic, or you slept in your kid’s bed for half the night, it’s in those days, that habit formation will really stick.

It’s what you do on the really rough days that makes or breaks your habits. It’s easy to do it when the conditions are perfect, right? So, I want you to think of how you feel on the days when you have very low motivation, and plan your habit based around that. I’m asking you to look at the worst-case scenario first. Because here’s the thing, the most difficult part of your habit is getting started; starting the behavior is often the hardest part.

Think about it. Showing up to the gym. Strapping on your running shoes. Making a bowl of oatmeal instead of buying a donut. Actually getting out of bed at 5am instead of hitting snooze. It’s the initializing of a habit that takes the most effort.

And again, knowing what we know about your brain, if you take the energy it requires to initiate a habit, and then stack it up against your worst day ever, what are you looking at? If you’ve decided that it has to be 45 minutes of exercise, that’s a lot of energy. And now, add to it a really awful night of sleep. And then, 5am rolls around. What are you going to do? In my experience, many of you hear the alarm, consider the 45 minutes that you’ve established for yourself, then say, “Forget it,” and go back to sleep.

So now, instead, imagine you’ve decided that five minutes of exercise, three times a week, is your goal. Just five minutes, that’s all. Even if you’ve had an awful night, you can still get up and do five minutes, that is possible.

That is not a huge ask from your brain, right? It even feels better. Think about it, compare 45 minutes to five minutes. You can absolutely do five minutes of exercise, even if you had a bad night of sleep.

Again, the key concept here is to start extremely small, and consider what is possible for you on your absolute worst day. Because you can always raise the bar from there. But I want you seeing small wins early and often, especially when you’re getting started with a new habit.

And think of how good it will feel when you follow through on your habit, even after a really bad day. There’s pride in that. There’s self-efficacy in that. And you know how I feel about self-efficacy, it is essential.

Alright. Another misstep I will commonly see is this, I’ll be working with someone who wants to eat better. We’ll talk about her past week, and she may be frustrated with herself because she ate out and had more fast food than she intended. Or she ended up eating tons of snacks throughout the day when she really wanted to stop grazing. Or, she ate two cookies from the break room when she didn’t really want to eat any of them in the first place.

And as we dive into this and come up with strategies, my client will tell me, “I just need to be more mindful about my eating.” So often, I will ask my client to name something specific that she is going to focus on over the week, or something that she just wants to practice in between our coaching calls. It is not uncommon that a client will tell me, “I just need to be more mindful.”

So, if you know me at all by now, or if you coach with me, you know my response to that is going to be, “Tell me exactly what being mindful means to you. Does that mean you’ll look at the nutrition label before you eat the food? Does it mean you’ll use your hunger scale to determine how hungry you are in the moment before you start eating? Does that mean that you’ll ask yourself, ‘Why am I choosing to eat this right now?’”

And admittedly, sometimes my clients get frustrated when I ask this question. But understand that I’m doing it from a place of love and from a place of accountability. Because what I have found, over and over again, is that when a client tells me, “I’m just going to be more mindful, “ often, what she is telling me is that she really just doesn’t want to think about it. It’s the exact opposite of being mindful; the exact opposite.

Instead, I think of it as winging it. And again, you know what happens when you wing it, it is generally not headed in a good direction. So, the solution to winging it or just being more mindful, is to have a plan, like a real, legit, written-out plan. And yes, I will ask you to write it out and be specific.

Many of my clients have a hard time with this, because once she has a plan, there are real written words and a commitment made that she has created. It’s out in the world now. And here’s what I’ve observed. Once you’ve written it out, made a decision, and stated your plan, then you have to work on following it.

Remember what we talked about before, getting started and executing is the hardest part of any habit. So, it’s a lot easier to describe your habits and vagaries, and leave your plan for change totally nebulous, because then you don’t have a standard. You don’t have anything to hold yourself accountable to.

But I see it, and I will encourage you to be onto yourself in a kind way, when you’re feeling the urge to stay very vague and fuzzy about your habit. Being vague gets you nowhere. So, if you want to eat healthier, what exactly is your plan? Are you going to eat three meals a day? What will those meals consist of? What exactly are you going to eat? What are you going to do when there is pizza in the break room? What are you going to have when you go to a restaurant?

Imagine how it would feel if you had real, solid, actionable answers to each and every one of those questions. And then, you practice executing those decisions, versus answering, “I just need to be more mindful.” Do you see the difference here? I do. The difference is success versus not succeeding, and this is essential.

If you tell me, “I just need to get to bed earlier.” Okay, what is your plan? What exactly needs to happen? What time do you need to turn off your screens? What is your bedtime routine? How will you get everything done in three hours, that you might normally give yourself four or five hours to do? What exactly needs to happen in order for you to get to bed an hour earlier?

Again, imagine if you had specific answers to all of those questions, versus the blanket statement of, “I just need to get to bed earlier.” The difference is huge, and it’s an extra hour of sleep. So again, do not expect that you can wing it when you’re instituting a new habit. Challenge yourself to get very specific and have a plan. Get very detailed and don’t leave anything to chance.

I know that this can get tedious, but here’s the thing, when you do the work up front and you have a very specific plan in place, then there are less decisions to be made in real time. You don’t have to worry about what to do when you go to dinner with friends because you’ve already decided in advance that according to your plan, you’re going to have a huge salad and a piece of salmon for dinner. And then, you execute. Okay? So, don’t wing it. Have a plan.

Alright, next. Another thing I will commonly see is that you might get started on a habit and then there’s a misstep. Like, you had ice cream when you planned to skip dessert. Or you had a great streak of workouts and then you skip today because you were tired. Or it rained, so you didn’t go for your evening walk one day.

And then, for whatever reason, you let that one misstep derail your habit. Maybe you thought to yourself, “I missed this one day. I’ve totally jacked this up. I’ve lost all the progress I’ve made. This is never going to work.” And I’ve heard this time and again. You let one mess up or one miss ruin the process and you make it mean something so much greater than it is. You let that one miss turn into two and then three, and then it falls off.

But it doesn’t have to go this way. Don’t go down this shame spiral. Okay? I’m going to go back to Atomic Habits one more time, because I think that this concept is such a good one and so important to grasp, okay? “Every action you take is a vote for the kind of person you want to be.”

Really think about that for a second, “Every action you take is a vote for the kind of person you want to be.” And when we’re talking votes, we’re not talking about a landslide here, we’re just talking about majority rules. What this means is that every time you show up to work out, you are putting in a vote for your identity of someone who exercises.

But if you miss one workout because you overslept, you don’t let that one vote mean there is no way you’re ever going to be a regular exerciser. You don’t get all gloom-and-doom and get all extreme and make it mean that you’re a failure. You don’t give up.

Instead, you wake up the next day and you go and get your workout done. You put in another vote for the identity you want to have, by going and doing your workout. You put in a vote that you are someone who exercises. And every day you do that it is one more vote in favor of being a person who exercises.

Missing one day, it does not reset the counter, okay? It does not wipe out all of the votes that you put in previously. But so many of you do that. You think that you’ve totally fallen off the wagon when really, you missed one workout. Do not make it any deeper or more mountainous than that, seriously. As Alex Toussaint says all the time, “It is not that deep.”

Do not let one misstep derail your progress. I say it all the time and I will keep saying it because so many of you need to hear it and believe it to be true for you, “You are not starting over, you are picking up where you left off. That’s it.”

When we are talking about habits, it is not one-and-done. A habit is an accumulation of repetitions of a behavior repeated over and over again. Do not let one missed day ruin your progress. You dust yourself off, and you keep rolling, always.

Alright, so the next thing I will commonly run into is this, you want to lose weight. We talk through and make a plan that you’re going to start eating a salad with dinner three nights a week, instead of french fries or bread or pasta, or whatever other calorie dense food you would normally have. Then, you go and do that for a week or two.

You’re keeping up with a habit, you’re putting in the work, but then you step on the scale and see that it hasn’t moved much, or even at all. And then, you get really mad or frustrated because you’ve done this work and you haven’t seen any results.

So, I consider this the “show me the money” phenomenon. It is being overly focused on the outcome and losing sight of the process that it takes to get you there. And I get it, most of us aim to build habits in order to achieve a goal; you want to lose weight, you want to run a 5k race, you want to feel more rested. Those are all goals, they’re outcomes, they are the products you are looking for as a result of your habits.

Where you run into problems is when you become so laser focused on the result that you lose sight of the process it requires to get there. And the process that will get you to the outcome you want, is sticking to your habits for the long haul.

I use this example commonly, but I want to share it again here. You will not lose 12 pounds at dinner tonight, right? But you can choose a salad at dinner tonight instead of french fries. And you can do that three nights a week for the duration. So, in this example, the 12-pound weight loss, that’s your outcome. That’s your goal; choosing a salad at dinner. That’s your behavior. That’s your process.

And it’s when you focus your energy and intention on the process, instead of getting overly focused on the result that you’re chasing, that’s when things start to stick. Build your process first. Stick with it and the results will come.

When I have a client give me a numeric weight loss goal, my knee-jerk response to that will always be, “What is your process goal? What is your consistency goal that is going to get you to that weight loss goal?” It’s having both, a result goal, and a process goal.

And here’s why I do this; you ultimately do not have direct control over the scale. You could be doing everything right and not get the weight loss you want as fast as you want. So, while you do not have complete control over the scale, you do have 100% control over your consistency. You have 100% control over your process. You have 100% control over whether or not you have a salad or french fries at dinner tonight. This is entirely within your control.

And my goal for you, is to focus your energy and effort on the things that you can control and let the results follow. I cannot overstate how important this is. Having the goal does not give you the result. Changing your lifestyle on the other hand, and sticking to it, that will give you the result. But to take this a step further; your lifestyle is not a goal in and of itself, right? Your lifestyle is a process made up of loads of decisions and behaviors that you live out every day. And those are your habits. And by sticking to the process, you will get the result. There is a huge difference here.

So last, and this is essential, is this, many of you get tripped up on your pathway to creating new habits because you don’t believe in yourself, in your process, or both. Again, to go back to eating, you may do okay with having a salad a few nights with dinner, but you aren’t believing that it’s going to make any difference. You aren’t actively working on adopting the identity of a healthy eater.

Or you’re doing your workouts, but you don’t really believe that you can keep it up or you don’t believe that you can be a runner. Even though you run three days a week, you’re not adopting the identity of a runner.

I call this the “fake it till you make it” phenomenon. But here’s the problem; you can’t fake yourself out. Your brain knows it. Your brain will sense it. It will sense your lack of belief in yourself. And at the first sign of any falter your brain will essentially say, “See? I told you so,” and offer you all kinds of reasons to stick with the status quo, and nothing changes. That’s no good.

Once again, here it is, this is where eating, moving, and thinking collide, and the best way possible to bring you serious change. This is why I love talking about this. If you want to change your life, change your beliefs. And in order to change your beliefs, go and create experiences that make those beliefs real to you. Really let that sink in for a second.

This is choosing to believe something, and then going and taking action to prove yourself correct. So again, if you’re looking to change the way you eat, if you haphazardly try to adopt a new habit of eating more vegetables but meanwhile, you’re thinking to yourself, “There is no way this is going to make a difference. This is not going to have an impact. I cannot change. I am doomed to be at this weight for forever.” Then what do you think is going to happen?

Do you think that this habit is going to stick? Your brain is going to call b.s. on you. So, here’s the kicker, not only are you working on changing your behavior, you are also working on changing your beliefs as you change your behavior.

Because think about it. What is a belief? A belief is a sentence that you have told yourself over and over again. A belief is your most repeated thought. A belief is what you know to be true because experience has made it true for you.

So now, what I’m asking of you is this: if you want to change your habit, work on changing your beliefs at the same time. Meaning, if you want to be a runner, even if you haven’t run a lap since the Presidential Fitness Test in high school, you start thinking like a runner. You think to yourself, “What would a runner do?”

A runner would get her shoes on and go for her run. You tell yourself, “I am a runner. And because I am a runner, I’m going to go get these three miles in even though it’s raining, and it will be hard. I’m going to get this done.” And then because you are a runner, you go and do it.

You go and take action and prove that belief true. What you believe, you will go and find evidence to prove correct. So, practice believing that you are a runner. Believe it in your core, and then go take action to back up that belief.

This is essential. Your actions will not hold water if you do not have belief behind it. You have to believe in yourself. And this is thinking. If you want your eating and moving habits to stick, remember, thoughts are habits too. All right?

So, there it is. I’ve just gone over six different roadblocks where you might get tripped up on your pathway to changing your habits. Think through some of these again, and ask yourself if any of these apply to you.

We went over “the overhaul” phenomenon: You try to change everything; your exercise, nutrition, your sleep, all of it, all at once. And the solution here is to focus on one thing at a time. Choose one habit that you really want to focus on, get it drilled down, and nail it.

Next, “the 0-60” phenomenon. This is where you go from being a couch potato to five 45-minute workouts a week. Instead, think of what you can do on your worst day, and choose a small habit. Like, working out for five minutes, three days a week. Something you know you can do even when the conditions aren’t perfect.

Next, maybe you’ve tried to wing it. You said to yourself or to me, “I just need to be mindful,” without any real plan for change. So instead of being vague and nonspecific, have a very specific plan ironed out so you’re never lost in the moment about what to do.

Maybe you’ve gotten stuck at one-and-done. Where you let one misstep derail all of your progress. Remember, this is not a game. You are not starting over, you are not going back to square one, you are picking up where you left off and you keep rolling.

Or you keep asking, “Show me the money.” You are overly focused on the result, like weight loss, instead of the process that will get you there. Instead, choose a behavior to focus on, and create a consistency goal. You’re not going to run a 5k race today, but you can go for a 10-minute jog in your neighborhood today.

And last, maybe you’ve tried to “fake it till you make it.” Maybe you’re taking action, but your brain isn’t behind it. And you don’t have belief that you can accomplish your goal, and that your habit is going to work. So instead, you practice believing in yourself. And then, you go and take action to prove yourself correct. Because if you want to change your life, you have to change your beliefs.

I hope that this helps you see your habits and your own unique behavior just a little differently. If you can be onto yourself and observe yourself, and again, when I say that I mean it in a kind way. If you can be onto yourself and notice if you get tripped up by any of these six hiccups, try out some of the solutions I’ve offered you.

You build your habits, one decision, one behavior, and one thought at a time. And remember, you are never stuck. The smallest change, a one-degree nudge made consistently, will get you results, always. And if you need help with this, let’s talk.

One of the most fun things I do is help my clients create new lifestyles one habit at a time. If you have stopped and started an exercise routine… If you have tried every diet under the sun without results… If you feel trapped by your habits, I can coach you through this.

You will learn skills like engineering habits, creating a plan, troubleshooting roadblocks, so that things like exercising regularly and eating healthy meals, they are a no-brainer. We take the drama out of decision-making early on, and then we execute your plan, with me guiding you along the way.

So, if you want to talk, go to my website, www.CurrieHollandMD.com/contact and send me a message. Let’s get your better habits started today. All right?

Thank you, again, for hanging out with me. And I will catch you again next week.

If you like what you’ve been hearing, please review the show. I would love to get your feedback and ideas. Your suggestions have inspired episodes and will help me make the show better for you. And share this podcast with a friend, text a show link, share a screenshot, or post a link to the show on your social media. Be sure to tag me @CarrieHollandMD on either Instagram or Facebook, so I can follow along and engage with you.

This is how we get the word out to other working moms who want to feel strong, inside and out. If you know someone who wants to feel better or eat and move differently but she is too tired or too busy, it is time to change things up. And you know, making that change starts with how you think. And that is what we do here on the Strong as a Working Mom podcast. I’ll see you next week.

Thanks for listening to Strong as a Working Mom. If you want more information on how to eat, move, and think, so you can live in the body you want, with the mind to match, visit me at CarrieHollandMD.com.