Ep #183: Stop Overcomplicating the Holidays: How to Find Presence and Actual Joy

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, Episode #183. If the holidays feel harder than they should, you’re not imagining it. Today, I’m giving you a permission slip to stop overcomplicating this season.

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, where you’ll learn how to build both a strong body and a strong mind by eating, moving, and thinking. I’m your host Physician, Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach and Certified Life Coach, Carrie Holland. 

Hey, how are you? What’s new? What’s good? So, what’s good here is that we are taking a few minutes to breathe as we head into what feels like the most fun, but overloaded time of the year. So, if you’re listening to this episode when it comes out, that means it’s Christmas Eve. And you might be full on in the swirl. Cooking, wrapping, traveling, hosting, maybe even hiding from your family in the bathroom, I don’t know. And if you’re in that swirl, I want to remind you that whatever you get done, and whatever you choose to leave undone is enough. And this applies to you no matter what you do or don’t celebrate, whether it’s Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s or nothing at all, the pressure of this time of year is universal.

And almost every client I’ve talked with in the last few weeks has said the same thing. I’m tired and I’m behind. There’s too much to do. And for many of us, December can feel like a race to the finish. The holidays and the end of the year have a way of turning up the volume on pretty much everything. Your responsibilities, your to-do list, your family dynamics, and especially your perfectionism. And this time of year tends to bring out the overfunctioner in all of us. And it’s the overfunctioner that tells you to keep the traditions alive, cook the meals, buy the gifts, host the gatherings, manage everyone’s emotions, and don’t forget to make it all look effortless.

And on top of that, there’s often a voice inside you that says if you just do a little more, if you prepare enough and stay up late enough and push hard enough, maybe the holidays will finally feel the way they’re supposed to feel. And somewhere along the way, the holiday season becomes a performance instead of a time to actually enjoy yourself. And as a result, so many of the women I work with come into January feeling exhausted. But that doesn’t have to be a given. And I want to help my clients and help you finish the season feeling strong instead of completely wiped.

And that’s exactly why I want to talk about overcomplicating the holidays and how you can do less, feel more, and let this season be exactly enough. Because you really don’t need to earn your holiday by making gingerbread cookies from scratch or by having the most beautiful, fancy holiday card from Minted.com. You don’t need to perform the holidays. And you also don’t need to add any more pressure to your already overloaded brain. So, this episode is your reset. And your reminder that you don’t have to carry the entire holiday on your back. And right off the bat, I want to offer you this. The greatest gift you can give yourself right now is to stop overcomplicating the holidays, including what they’re supposed to feel like. All right? So let’s go.

So let’s start with why we overcomplicate the holidays in the first place. And we’ll start with the overachiever brain and how it tends to operate during this time of year. So, for many of us, this season triggers a belief that special requires more. More food, more effort, more gifts, more activities, more magic, as if the only way to create meaning is to pile on extra layers of doing. And if you’re someone who already likes to get things exactly right, it’s really easy to convince yourself that if you stretch yourself just a little more, prepare a little harder, orchestrate it a little better, then maybe the holidays will feel the way they’re supposed to.

But the belief that more equals meaningful is sneaky, because it sounds generous. It sounds like duty. It sounds like love. But in reality, that overachieving mentality and the drive for more just creates a holiday that is louder, fuller, and often more frantic than it is meaningful. So another reason we overcomplicate the holidays is because we often confuse performance with love. This is something I see all the time in my clients. And honestly, I’ve lived it myself. There’s an internal pressure to make the holidays magical, especially for your kids or your partner or your extended family. But what often sits underneath that pressure is a belief that how well you execute the holiday says something about who you are. We often feel like we have to get it just right, like we have to recreate the best parts of our own childhoods or compensate for the painful ones. We think that if the holiday unfolds flawlessly, then we’ve done our job.

But here’s the truth. Your worth isn’t, nor has it ever been, tied to how well you do your holiday. You don’t need to prove your love or your worth through logistics or by executing a magazine-worthy Christmas, okay? But so many of us default to that pattern because it’s familiar and because it feels like the responsible thing to do, even though the people we’re trying to impress don’t actually need or expect any of it.

And then last, another reason why we tend to overcomplicate the holidays is because of the illusion that doing more will fix everything. December moves fast. And when life is already busy, the holidays tend to magnify that speed. So, we rush, we cram, we add, we pile more onto an already overflowing plate, thinking it will help us feel more prepared or more in control. And because the month moves so quickly, we start to think that the solution to being overwhelmed is to do even more with the belief that you’re getting ahead. When really, it’s exactly the opposite. The holiday swirl magnifies the false belief that we can outrun the pressure if we just try harder. But you and I both know how that story ends. It just makes you feel even more exhausted.

Because the more you do, the less you feel. Okay? Please really hear that. The more you do, the less you feel. And honestly, I think this could be a t-shirt every overachiever I know could wear, myself included. The more you add, the more the meaning gets diluted. The more tired you are, the more empty you feel. And what’s left after all is said and done, is a season that looks full on the outside, but feels strangely empty on the inside. And that emptiness can be confusing because on paper, you’ve done everything right. You baked the cookies, wrapped the gifts, kept up the traditions, showed up to the parties. So basically, you checked all the boxes, but the feeling is not there.

And that’s where so many of my clients start to wonder, what is wrong with me? Why doesn’t this feel better? Why don’t the holidays feel as magical as they’re supposed to? But there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not missing something. Often, you’re just trying to do so much in a short amount of time, and it can be totally draining. And here’s what’s important to remember. Doing more doesn’t create more meaning. It just leaves less room to feel it. And here’s why. This is what so many people miss. You can’t feel connected or calm or joyful when you’re too busy sprinting between all of the various holiday tasks you’ve taken on. You have to slow down long enough to experience the meaning that you’re working so hard to create. And I say that not from theory, but from experience, because I absolutely have been that person who tried to create meaning by doing more.

So when my boys were little, Adam and I both had to work Christmas Day one year. So, the boys spent the day with their grandparents. And so what did I do in my very loving but overachieving way, I completely overdid it. We wrote a letter to Santa asking him to come a day early. I bought piles of toys, so much plastic stuff, Melissa and Doug everything. And basically went over the top trying to make the day before Christmas feel magical because some part of me thought the way to make up for it was to do more. And it was totally unnecessary and they don’t even remember it.

And it wasn’t just that one year. I used to get totally sucked into the stress of holiday tasks, the elaborate elf on the shelf scenes, 12 different Christmas cookie recipes made from scratch, super fancy photo cards, matching pajamas for the Christmas morning photos, perfect everything. But none of it mattered. And while yes, all those things are nice, those aren’t the things I want to remember. What I prefer to remember from our holidays has nothing to do with the production of it.

Instead, I actually appreciate the slow mornings where no one has to go to school, no one’s working, and there’s no rush. I like all four of us being able to go to the downtown market in Grand Rapids on Christmas Eve and wandering the aisles for fun foods. I like the memories of us stopping at the soda shop and all four of us picking out random, interesting soda flavors like pumpkin pie or coffee flavored and coming home to try them. Or all four of us working on a puzzle. Even if we last only for a few minutes before we all get frustrated and break for a movie. Those are the things I prefer to remember. Not the tasks and not the pressure.

Over time, we’ve simplified our holidays. We bake one kind of cookie, if that, and if the kids want more, they can make them. We paired down the elaborate feast of seven fishes on Christmas Eve. And we still have a nice dinner, but we don’t make it into a production. We’ve cut the cousin gift exchange because it was just more stuff that we didn’t need. So the holiday now is simpler and it’s more meaningful with less run around. And I’ve learned, the more I simplify, the better the holidays feel. And while simplifying the traditions, the plans, and the pressure, that has been a huge relief for the holidays, it also made something else very clear to me.

Sometimes, the reason we overdo the holidays has nothing to do with cookies or toys or matching pajamas. Sometimes, we’re trying to create a feeling we didn’t have growing up. Sometimes, we want our kids to have the holidays we wished we had. Sometimes, we’re trying to make up for something that hurt. And so all the overdoing is actually a form of compensating, a way of trying to fill a space that cannot be filled by more doing. And then, when you strip away the overdoing, when you take away the logistics and the rushing and the noise, those deeper emotions become a lot easier to see. Because once you stop trying to outrun the season, you finally have a second to notice what’s underneath it. And for many of us, that’s where the pain lives, even if you don’t talk about it and even if no one else knows it’s there.

That’s why it makes so much sense that the holidays can stir up disappointment. There is so much build up in December, so much cultural and societal pressure, so many expectations for how you’re supposed to feel. And then the season comes and goes, and for so many of the women I work with, it doesn’t land the way they hoped. Not because anything went wrong, but because the emotion they expected doesn’t always match what the reality they lived. And when those two things don’t line up, it can create a really confusing mix of feelings. That’s why you can love your family and still feel a little sad or empty. You can genuinely enjoy parts of the holidays and still feel a bit off when it’s over. And I know that feeling well because it happens to me almost every year. There’s a part of the holidays that brings up its own yuck, even when everything looks fine on the outside.

For me, part of that yuck comes from the reality that we don’t spend the holidays with my side of the family. My parents, they are not in the picture. And my sister has adult kids with multiple family commitments of her own. So most years, we spend the holidays with Adam’s family, who I love and enjoy being around. But there’s still just a little sting. It’s a reminder of what I don’t have. And in a season that is so tied to family and nostalgia, it hits a little differently. And I want to be clear about something while I’m sharing all this. The sting I’m describing does not mean I’m ungrateful. It doesn’t cancel out the parts of the holidays I love. It just means I’m human. It means I have a history that’s layered. It means my family story is complicated. And honestly, I’m certain I’m not alone in that.

I think so many women feel this but don’t say it out loud. And it becomes a quiet tug between what you have and what you wish you had. And for a long time, I tried to solve for that by doing more, by creating the right kind of holiday, or the more complete version, or the version I thought would finally make that sting go away. But eventually, I had to realize something really important. I was expecting the holiday to fill a hole it could never fill. No amount of effort or tradition or magic was ever going to rewrite the parts of my story that felt painful or complicated. And when I stopped silently looking for my holiday to do that, when I finally stopped expecting the holiday to fix something it was never designed to fix, that’s when the pressure lessened. The disappointment made more sense and letting go of those expectations also opened up space in my brain for a very different perspective, a more realistic one, one that allowed me to actually see the holiday for what it is instead of what I thought it should fix or prove.

And that’s what I want to offer to you today. If any of this speaks to you, or if you hear yourself in any of this, I want to share with you a way to let the holiday be what it is without turning it into something it was never meant to be. Because when you stop expecting the holiday to deliver a specific feeling or repair a specific wound, you can finally see it for what it is. A day. A meaningful day, yes, but still just a day. You can simplify what the holidays are supposed to mean. Remember, this season is not a performance review. It’s not a test of whether you’re a good parent, partner, friend, or daughter. You don’t earn gold stars for exhaustion. You don’t have to prove anything with the number of dishes you make or how pretty your table settings are. And the holidays are definitely not a measure of your love or worth.

At the end of the day, the holidays, really any holiday, is simply a time to be with your people, whoever your people are. And when you let it be that simple, you see very quickly that people remember moments, not the production. Kids will remember how they felt. They’ll remember the laughing, the downtime, the time you spent with them, undistracted. They will not care about how coordinated your holiday card was or how many cookies you baked. And it’s allowed to be that simple.

So, if you want to make the rest of this season feel lighter and more enjoyable, I want you to try something really simple. Choose one thing you truly care about. Just one, not 10, not everything, just one thing. Maybe it’s a particular meal. Maybe it’s watching a favorite holiday movie with your coffee, or having one real conversation with someone you care about. Pick the thing that would actually matter to you. Not the thing you think you’re supposed to care about, but the thing that would genuinely feel good and let that be enough.

And then, let the rest be whatever it is. And please hear this. You don’t get extra credit for making the holiday harder than it needs to be. No one is handing out awards for exhaustion. No one is scoring you. And good enough is not cutting corners. Good enough is actually what keeps you sane. That’s preserving your energy. It’s choosing what’s meaningful over what’s performative. And I promise, both you and the people around you will feel the difference. And people will see the version of you who is present instead of stressed and overextended.

And here is where I want to offer you something that is both realistic and relieving. Expect an emotional dip, okay? Let that be normal. Let it be part of the season instead of a sign that something needs to be fixed. Feeling a little sad or a little off doesn’t mean the holiday was a failure. It doesn’t mean your family is the wrong kind of family. It doesn’t mean you’re missing something that other people have. It means you’re experiencing a season that carries a lot of weight and history and expectations. And you’re allowed to feel all of it. And here’s the good news. When you stop trying so hard to produce a perfect experience, you give yourself space for real moments to happen, like the quieter, more ordinary, more human ones. Like me and my husband dancing around in our kitchen to Linus and Lucy last weekend and him declaring that he could feel his dopamine rising, and letting that be a mental picture moment I can remember 20 years from now.

Because the more you let the holidays be simple and imperfect, the more room there is for connection and ease and actual joy. Like real joy, the kind that shows up when you’re not trying so stinking hard. So, you don’t have to force magic for it to exist. You don’t have to outdo yourself for the season to be meaningful. You don’t have to earn rest or joy or fun. All of those things are allowed and available to you simply because you are here participating in your own life. So, let the season be exactly what it is. Nothing more, nothing less. And in doing that, you may find that the real meaning shows up in the simple moments when you finally give yourself permission to stop performing and just be. And that’s really what I want you to take away from this episode.

You don’t have to earn your place this season by doing more, performing harder, or proving anything. The holidays, they will be what they are. And you get to decide how you show up for them. Not by squeezing more in, but by allowing yourself to experience what’s already here and right in front of you. So, as you move through this week, and maybe even through the next few hours, I hope you give yourself permission to let the holidays be simpler than what your brain insists they should be. I hope you give yourself permission to choose what matters most to you, even if it’s just one small thing. And I hope you let the rest fall where it falls without making it mean anything about you or your worth or your family.

And more than anything, I hope you let yourself feel whatever you feel. The joy, the nostalgia, the sting, the sad, the relief, the quiet, the exhaustion, all of it. All of it is part of the human experience. And when it comes up, let it. The holidays, they have never needed your perfection. They really only need you, the real, human, messy you, who is tired and trying and learning and showing up anyway. When you stop overcomplicating the holidays, you make room for the parts that actually matter, like presence, connection, and even tiny moments that can slip right past you when you’re too busy orchestrating the whole production.

So, let this be your reminder that you don’t have to force anything. You don’t have to perform. You don’t have to work yourself into the right holiday mood. You’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to enjoy yourself, even if your kitchen is a disaster or the wrapping paper is still all over your living room. And you’re allowed to just be. All right? And if this episode helps you breathe a little easier or took even an ounce of pressure off your shoulders, please share it with a friend who might need the same reminder. Happy holidays to you. Thank you again for hanging out with me and I’ll catch you again next week.

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You’ll also find strength training tips to help you train smarter and see real results. My goal is to help you get strong and this strength-training guide will help you do it. Go to CarrieHollandMD.com/build strength and check it out.

Thank you for listening to the Strong Is a Mindset podcast. If you want to learn more about how to build both a strong mind and a strong body by eating, moving, and most importantly, thinking, check out CarrieHollandMD.com.