Ep #160: Self-Trust: Why Keeping Small Promises to Yourself Changes Everything

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, Episode #160. You know how it feels when someone breaks a promise to you? Now, imagine doing that to yourself over and over. Today, we’re talking about self-trust, what it means, why it matters, and how to rebuild it when you’ve spent years starting and stopping.

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, where you’ll learn how to build both a strong body and a strong mind by eating, moving, and thinking. I’m your host Physician, Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach and Certified Life Coach, Carrie Holland. 

Hey, how are you? What’s new? What’s good? So, what’s good here? We are talking about self-trust, a concept that truthfully does not get enough attention, but in reality is essential when you’re trying to change your habits and change your life. And if self-trust sounds like a nebulous, fuzzy word to you, like it did to me when I first started learning about it, I got you.

So, part of my goal is to make self-improvement, including the concept of self-trust, tangible to you. I’ve said it before, I will say it again here, but I’m not into nebulous. I don’t like speaking in vague, glittering generalities, and I definitely don’t like buzzwords.

And then, when I embarked on my own personal development journey, I had to commit to getting my hands dirty and really diving into new concepts and ideas that would help me grow and evolve. And I had to not let these concepts just be words. I had to actually try the things that I was reading and learning about.

And the more I did that, the more I did the work, the more I realized that self-improvement, personal development, self-help, or whatever you want to call it, it’s doable. It’s not just incense and sound baths, okay? It’s real, even for the most sarcastic, most edgy, most hardened, most scientific, most strong people out there.

But you have to be willing to engage with it in a real, meaningful way. You have to try something. You have to take something that you read or listen to or see. You have to take what you consume and actually go and apply it if you want something in your life to change.

And so, my mission, now three years in, is and still remains to make growth possible for anyone who dares to try it. Growth and evolution, they are not for the faint of heart. And if you’re willing to go with me on this journey, the least I can do is make it accessible, make it tangible, and make it actionable and realistic. And that includes the concept of building self-trust.

And so, here’s where we’re going today. We’re going to talk about what self-trust is and why it matters when you do the work of changing your life. We’re also going to talk about how you know if you don’t have it because there are some telltale signs, especially in your language, that give it away. We’ll also talk about why broken promises to yourself hurt more than you think.

And then, we’re going to talk about how you rebuild self-trust. And we’re also going to talk about the past and how it can interfere with your self-trust and what to do about that because that is something I run into very commonly in coaching. And then last, we’re going to talk about what self-trust actually feels like so you know what to look for. All right?

And so, before we get into it, I want to take one quick second to share that this episode marks the third anniversary of the podcast. And I am super proud to be here, now three years later, talking with you every Wednesday. And when I started this podcast three years ago, I had no idea how it would grow or what would come of it.

But what I did know was that I wanted to create something useful. I wanted this podcast to be a real, actionable resource for eating, moving, and thinking without all the fluff. No vague advice, no generic self-help speak, just practical tools to help you take better care of your body and your brain. Because I know you’re busy and your time is valuable. And my goal is to make every episode worth it and targeted toward what actually helps you move forward.

So, if you’ve been listening and if this podcast has helped you in any way, if it’s shifted your thinking or helped you feel less alone or given you tools to actually take action, I would love it and I would be so grateful if you could leave a review of the show on Apple Podcasts. I do not ask often because I prefer to just dive in and share what I want you to know, but your reviews help other people find this show. So, if you’re up for it, please go leave a quick written review. That would be awesome. And thank you again for being here with me. All right?

So, let’s go. So first, let’s talk about what self-trust actually is. Let’s get really clear on that before we even move on. So to keep this really simple, self-trust is your ability to rely on yourself. It means you have your own back. And here’s the kicker, it means that when you say you’re going to do something, you believe yourself.

So, have you ever committed to something half-heartedly? Have you ever told yourself or someone else they are going to do something, only to know in your brain that you weren’t fully committed to it? So I have. I’ve done it in my career, my fitness, my relationships. I have done it in multiple parts of my life, and I am not proud of it. And whether it was bowing out on writing, not following through on visiting people I said I would visit, backing down from a physical challenge, or having no intention of cutting down on certain foods like peanut butter, it doesn’t matter in what part of your life it is. When you don’t follow through, it feels yucky. It feels icky even saying it out loud to you, but I’m human and I’m very far from perfect, and I’ve been there. And I want to help you move past committing half-heartedly.

So, when you have self-trust, you actually believe yourself when you say you’re going to do something. And not just in the big, dramatic moments. I’m also talking about the small, seemingly insignificant ones. Like when you say you’re going to go for a walk after dinner or prep your lunch for the next day or close the pantry instead of standing in front of it looking for snacks out of boredom. Self-trust is built in all of those tiny moments just as much as it is in the big moments.

Self-trust is not flashy. It is not loud, but it is powerful because over time, every one of your follow-throughs adds up. When you follow through, it sends a signal to your brain that says, I do what I say I’m going to do. And that right there, that’s the game-changer. So, it is not about being perfect. It’s not about always doing the most. It’s about making a plan and following through and keeping your word to yourself, not to prove anything to anyone else, but simply because you said you would.

Self-trust is a relationship with yourself. And for a lot of people, that relationship is on pretty shaky ground. So, we’re going to build a more solid foundation, and that foundation is self-trust, your ability to rely on yourself.

Okay. So now that we’re on the same page as far as what self-trust is, let’s talk about how to know if you don’t have it. And I know this may be a little backwards, talking about how to know if you don’t have something, but I honestly think it’s easier to come at it from this angle. Lack of self-trust comes through in your language and the way you talk. So if you start paying attention to your words, you’ll start to pick it up.

You might say things like, “We’ll see.” “I hope I stick with it this time.” “I want to try again, but I always fall off.” Or, “I’ve done this before, but it never lasts.” And all of these, they’re subtle, but I’ve heard them commonly from the women I coach, and these statements are self-doubt disguised as humility. And it’s a sign that you don’t trust yourself.

And so here’s the interesting thing. Often, we do this as a form of self-protection. If you say something like, “I hope it goes okay,” or, “We’ll see if I can do it,” you lower the bar. You hedge your bets. And then, it won’t feel as painful if you don’t follow through. So saying something like, “I hope so,” it creates an escape hatch and it lets you off the hook before you even get started.

It gives the illusion of being realistic or even modest, but in reality, it’s a way to avoid vulnerability. Because here’s one of the key takeaways I want you to hear. Often, you feel hesitation when setting goals because deep down, you don’t believe you’ll follow through.

And when you don’t believe you’ll follow through, you either don’t make commitments or you make really vague ones so you won’t feel disappointed when you bail. And here’s why this happens. Actually believing in yourself and then declaring that belief, that’s risky. Believing in yourself opens you up to the possibility of disappointment. And that may be a risk you don’t want to take.

And so for a lot of people, it feels safer to expect failure than to hope for success and not get it. Now I’m going to say that again because it’s just that important. It feels safer to expect failure than to hope for success and not get it.

But here’s the problem. When you talk like that, your brain listens. When you say things like, “I hope,” or, “I always fall off,” or, “We’ll see,” you train yourself to doubt before you even begin. And over time, doubt becomes your pattern. Doubt becomes your default. And it makes sense. If you’ve made promises to yourself over and over again and then bailed on them, of course, it’s going to feel shaky. If you’ve been stuck in a cycle of yo-yo dieting or starting and stopping workouts or going all in on something only to give up two weeks later, your brain learns an important lesson: I don’t do what I say I’m going to do.

And that becomes your identity. And that is where the damage is done. When you act in a way that’s inconsistent with who you want to be, your brain takes note. And breaking promises to yourself creates a subtle erosion. If you repeatedly say you’re going to do something and then don’t do it, your brain starts to form a new identity around that behavior. Nobody else might know that you skipped your workout or ate the thing you said you wouldn’t or didn’t follow through on your plan, but you know. And over time, that erodes your self-concept. It chips away at your belief in yourself. And then, you stop trusting your own word.

So, it becomes less about the action you didn’t take and more about the belief that you’re someone who doesn’t follow through, that you’re flaky, that you’re unreliable, that you’re not serious. And that identity can be incredibly hard to shake once it sets in. So, we’re not just talking about missed workouts or unmade lunches here. We’re talking about how those small, broken commitments shape how you see yourself. They shape your identity, and identity is so powerful because once you adopt an identity, your brain works really hard to prove it true. And that’s how the cycle perpetuates and how self-doubt gets wired in deeper and deeper.

But here, remember what else we know about identity? The principle applies in reverse here too. And what that means is every time you take action, even a tiny one, that aligns with the person you want to be, you’re reinforcing that identity instead. You’re essentially showing your brain, “Hey, this is who I am now.”

So every time you follow through and get your workout done, every time you make your lunch and bring it to work like you said you would instead of getting takeout, you show your brain who you are becoming by your actions. That is the shift. That is how you undo self-doubt and start building trust again.

All right. So now that we’ve talked about what self-trust is, how to spot if you don’t have it, and why breaking promises to yourself is such a big deal, let’s take it a step further. So if after hearing this, you’re thinking to yourself that you want to work on improving your own self-trust, let’s talk about how you actually do that. I’ve got a few ideas for you.

So first, make smaller promises. Okay? I want you to really hear that. Make smaller promises. If you’ve been saying that you’ll work out five days a week and never do, how about we start with two? Or one? Or five minutes of stretching? If you say you’re going to cook all of your meals at home and then proceed to get takeout every night instead because you don’t give yourself time, how about we aim for a ready-to-go salad from the grocery store instead? And the goal here is not to go big. The goal is to go believable. I want you to get very real with yourself and make promises that you can actually keep.

And please really hear me when I say this. I know so many of you are high achievers. You’ve been successful in your career, your education, your family, all of it. You are used to doing hard things and you have high expectations of yourself in so many parts of your life. So, it makes total sense that you would aim super high and expect a lot from yourself when it comes to habit change too.

But change, especially when it comes to long-standing habits and patterns you’ve established, this is not just about grit. It’s not just about pushing harder. It’s about meeting yourself where you’re at right now. And sometimes that means scaling way back in order to build something sustainable.

So if you tend to overestimate how much you can take on and change, not because you’re lazy or unmotivated, but because you’re human, I want to offer this to you gently and out of sincere respect. Your brain needs wins, okay? Your brain needs to see success.

And you create those successes and those wins by starting small and building momentum, not by trying to muscle through huge change and then beating yourself up when it doesn’t stick, okay? Please remember that starting small, it is not a weakness. It’s a strategy, a super useful strategy when we’re dealing with humans and behavior change.

Next, the next thing that you can do to rebuild your self-trust is to only commit to what you believe. Okay? So this means getting very real with yourself and being realistic about what you feel you are currently capable of doing. So let me slow down here for a minute because here’s something important I want to address. If you’re someone who struggles with belief altogether, let’s talk about that.

If you’ve lost faith in your ability to follow through because you’ve let yourself down so many times, I hear you. This is not uncommon at all. And I say that because I’ve seen it. Many of my clients come to me with very little belief in themselves. They want to change. They want a different lifestyle and a different view of themselves, and they want it so very badly. But when it comes down to it, they don’t actually believe it’s possible for them.

And if that’s you too, here is what I want to offer you. You do not need full-on belief to get started. You only need a crack in the door, okay? You only need a tiny sliver of possibility to work with, all right? So if you cannot at this moment say, “I believe I can do this,” that’s fine. And that’s totally normal. So instead, try this: “I’m willing to see what happens if I try.” And that’s enough. That is your starting point.

And the goal here is to stretch your belief slowly. Start with something that feels just slightly like a stretch, something that does not send your nervous system into full-on rebellion, okay? So instead of a 45-minute HIIT workout, think one short 5-minute walk. Or instead of salads every day for the next week, how about skipping takeout one night this week? Whatever it is, make sure you believe you can do it. If it feels shaky or too big or if there’s a gut reaction inside you that says, “No way I’m going to do that,” scale it back.

Remember, you are not trying to impress anyone. No one is watching. You are doing this to build something solid. You’re doing this to build a better relationship with yourself. And that starts with goals that are small and believable. Self-trust does not require big and flashy. It requires honesty and consistency. And if you’ve got even just a flicker of willingness, that is all we need to get started. Start with something you can believe, no matter how small. “I can walk for five minutes.” “I can eat a vegetable at dinner.” That’s it. Commit to what you actually believe. That is how you begin to clean up your relationship with yourself.

The next thing you can do is track your follow-through. I do not care how small it is or how insignificant you might think your changes are, track it. Make a visual. Use a checklist. Use a calendar. Write it down. Watch yourself keep your word. You are looking for and highlighting the evidence that you are someone who does what she says she’ll do.

And here’s why this matters. Your brain believes what it sees repeatedly. If you’re not used to following through, then your brain has evidence that you quit, that you break promises, that you don’t finish. So, we have to start showing it something new. And that’s where tracking comes in.

Tracking your follow-through gives your brain tangible proof that things are changing around here, that you are changing. You’re showing yourself that change is no longer just an intention floating around in your head. Now, it becomes a documented action. And when you see that visual cue, whether it’s a checkmark on your calendar, a journal entry, or a streak on an app, that reinforces your new identity.

And it tells your brain, “Hey, look, I showed up, even if it was for five minutes, even if it wasn’t perfect.” And those wins become an important part of the story you tell yourself about yourself. So the goal of tracking your follow-through is to build credibility with yourself. And credibility is what becomes confidence.

Think about it. Think about how your belief in yourself grows. It does not grow from a really well-done pep talk that you give yourself. Your belief in yourself grows when you accumulate evidence, when you show yourself that you can do hard things. All right?

And last, the next thing you can do to help yourself build more self-trust is to pay attention to your language. And that means you replace words like, “We’ll see,” or, “I hope,” with, “I have decided.” And I know that may be small, and it may be subtle, but let me point this out. Language matters. Your language matters a whole lot.

So remember that your words create your world. So the words you use, they are not just sounds. They are signals to your brain about how serious you are. So as an example, when you say something like, “I hope I can do it this time,” what you’re really saying is, “I don’t believe I will.” Think about it. “I hope I can do it this time.” That language, it’s passive. It does not spell decisiveness and it doesn’t convey seriousness.

Instead, it leaves the door open for quitting. It suggests you have no control over your actions and that success is something that might happen to you if the stars align. But that is not how change works. It takes more than hoping and seeing.

So now on the flip side, when you say, “I’ve decided I’m no longer eating takeout for dinner anymore,” that, that is decisive. There is no guessing there. There’s no wondering what you intend. When you say, “I’ve decided,” you are claiming authority. You’re telling your brain, “I’m in charge here.” And that is exactly what we’re looking for, for you to be in charge.

And while that shift in language may seem small, don’t underestimate it. It’s actually super powerful. Your brain takes direction from your words. And over time, what you say becomes what you believe. And then what you believe becomes how you act.

So yes, changing your words really can change your life. And this is where you begin to rewire your identity. Not by pretending everything’s perfect, but by deliberately using language that reflects your agency and ownership.

When you choose words that signal confidence and commitment, you’re sending your brain an important message: “I am someone who follows through.” Words like, “I’ve decided,” or, “I’m doing this,” clarify your intent and they strengthen your belief. And when you use this language over time, it shapes how you see yourself, not as someone who tries, but as someone who commits. And that shift, that shift is huge. All right?

And now, I want to address something else that comes up and frankly gets in the way. And that is your past. And what I mean by this is you may really want to change. And at the same time, you might also be thinking, “But I’ve tried so many times and I always quit. I always fall off. I can’t sustain it.”

And here’s the thing. That might be true. Maybe you do have a long track record of making plans and not following through. Maybe you have had trouble sustaining change and keeping up new habits in the past. And I’m not here to argue with your history. But at the same time, here’s the other thing I know to be true. Your past is data. It’s information, but it is not your destiny. Your past does not predict your future unless you allow it.

So here’s something to know. Your brain loves to use the past against you. It wants to remind you of all the times things didn’t work before. Not because your brain is trying to sabotage you, but because it’s trying to protect you. If you believe you’ll fail again, you won’t try. And if you don’t try, you don’t have to risk feeling disappointed, let down, or embarrassed. So your brain plays defense. It uses your past as proof that you should not get your hopes up.

But here is the problem with that. When you let your past dictate your present decisions, you stay stuck. You keep repeating the same patterns, not because you’re incapable, but because you’ve been dragging the past with you into every new attempt at change. You haven’t given yourself the chance to start fresh without the weight of old failures or expectations dragging you down. And when you carry that baggage, when you approach change anticipating that you’ll fail again, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and history repeats itself.

So, to truly move forward, you have to allow yourself to let go of the old story and approach your next attempt as a new chapter, not a repeat of the last one. And so how do you do that? What do you do instead? Well, you look at your past objectively. You ask, “What worked? What didn’t? Where did you overcommit? Where did you ignore your own signals and intuition? And what were the circumstances that made follow-through difficult?”

And here’s the part that a lot of people skip, the reflection. So often, we jump from one plan to the next without ever stopping to evaluate what actually happened. We treat each attempt like a brand new start when in reality, there is a gold mine of information in your past if you’re willing to look at it with curiosity instead of criticism.

And this means asking yourself better questions. Like, “Where did I set unrealistic expectations? Where did I push too hard, too fast? Where did life get in the way, and what could I have planned better?” And to be clear, this is not about blaming yourself. It’s about learning from yourself. And there is a big, big difference.

So when you collect that data and then you really sit with it, you give yourself the opportunity to do things differently next time. You’re respecting reality and honoring your limits. You’re taking yourself seriously instead of jumping headfirst into the next fad, just to hurry up and try something else. And then, you take that data from your past without judgment and use it to build a better plan, a more honest plan, a plan that fits who you are right now, not who you were six months ago when you were trying to white-knuckle your way through change.

And most important, if your past is keeping you from building self-trust, and if it’s keeping you stuck, please remind yourself of this. “I am not that version of me anymore. I’m not repeating old patterns. I am choosing a new way forward.” Or my favorite, “I am becoming someone different.” And then you practice believing it. All right?

And finally, what does self-trust actually feel like? Well, to keep it very simple, it feels like peace. It feels like showing up, but without arguing with yourself. It feels like deciding ahead of time and then following through even when no one is watching because it matters to you.

Self-trust feels like integrity. It feels lighter because when you trust yourself, you don’t have to spend hours negotiating in your head. You don’t second-guess, you don’t waffle or wrestle with every decision. You simply do what you said you would do because you trust your own word. And that kind of consistency takes the mental load off your plate.

It is one less thing to spiral about. You don’t constantly have to wonder, “Will I actually follow through this time?” because you already know the answer. You know you’ll show up because that’s what you do now. It’s how you do.

And no, self-trust, it does not require perfection. It requires honesty. It requires alignment. And it requires that you treat your word to yourself like it matters because it does.

So, if you’ve struggled with self-trust, please know that you are not alone. And please know that you are not broken. You are not doomed. You just haven’t practiced keeping your word to yourself in a way that is sustainable and believable. But that, that all changes now.

Make smaller promises. Commit to what you actually believe you’ll do. Track your follow-through. Choose language that shows you’re serious. Use your past as information and remind yourself of who you are becoming, a stronger version of yourself. All right?

And if you want help with this, let’s go. When you coach with me, you practice showing up for yourself, not just once, but over and over until that becomes your new identity. Check out my website, send me a message at www.CarrieHollandMD.com/contact. And let’s talk about how coaching will change how you see yourself and what you believe you can do. All right?

Thank you again for hanging out with me. I’ll catch you again next week.

Hey if you want to build muscle but don’t know where to start, I’ve got you covered. Head over to CarrieHollandMD.com/buildstrength and download my free guide to help you maximize your strength training. Inside, you’ll find the essential exercises for building muscle, plus simple one, two, and three-day workout plans you can follow with just dumbbells and a bench.

You’ll also find strength training tips to help you train smarter and see real results. My goal is to help you get strong and this strength-training guide will help you do it. Go to CarrieHollandMD.com/build strength and check it out.

Thank you for listening to the Strong Is a Mindset podcast. If you want to learn more about how to build both a strong mind and a strong body by eating, moving, and most importantly, thinking, check out CarrieHollandMD.com.