Ep #209: The Problem with ‘That’s Just the Way I Am.’

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, episode number 209. If you’ve ever heard yourself saying, “That’s just the way I am,” let’s talk about it. Today, I want to challenge that sentence because sometimes what you’re calling your personality is actually just a pattern you’ve practiced for a very long time. And those are not the same thing.

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, where you’ll learn how to build both a strong body and a strong mind by eating, moving, and thinking. I’m your host Physician, Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach and Certified Life Coach, Carrie Holland.

Hey, how are you? What’s new? What’s good? So, what’s good here? Well, today, we’re going to pull apart a sentence. And that sentence is, “That’s just the way I am.” Because it’s a sentence I hear fairly often in coaching. I’ve also heard it from friends, family, and I have most definitely said it myself. And thinking about it, it’s actually a fairly limiting way to describe yourself. So, for me personally, for years, I told myself I wasn’t the kind of person who could stand on a stage and speak in public. My answer was always, I’m shy. That’s just the way I am.

And that pretty much shut the door on any sort of speaking. But eventually, I had to ask myself whether labeling myself that way was helping me. I also decided decades ago that because I was very by the book and very much a rule follower, that there was no way I could ever do anything outside the straight and narrow. I could never leave my work as a physician. I could never start a business. I could never do something off the typical path because I was a rule follower. And deciding, “That’s just the way I am,” held me back for years, along with fear and uncertainty, of course, too.

But before we go any further, please know that this is not a judgment. We all do this. This is just part of being human. We make assertions about ourselves. We know ourselves better than anyone, right? But I think sometimes deciding, “That’s just the way I am,” that can be doing way more harm than good. And you know how I feel about words and how you talk about yourself. So, today, we’re going to pull apart what’s happening when we say things like, “That’s just the way I am.” We’re going to talk about why we say it, why it is totally keeping you stuck, and how to tell the difference between something that is truly part of who you are versus something that might just be a pattern you’ve been practicing for a very long time. All right? So, let’s go.

First, let’s talk about why we even say it. Why is it so easy to chalk it up to something like, “That’s just the way I am,” or, “I’m just not consistent,” or, “I’m not disciplined.” We often make those statements, or really assertions of ourselves, without even thinking about it. But why do we do that? Well, so remember that your brain loves certainty. It loves efficiency. And maybe most importantly, your brain loves a simple explanation.

So, when you do something repeatedly, your brain naturally tries to make sense of it. Meaning, if you procrastinate and if you put tasks off often enough, eventually, your brain stops saying, “I procrastinated,” and instead, it starts saying, “I am a procrastinator.” Or, if you struggle with consistency, eventually, your brain stops saying, “I’ve been inconsistent lately,” and instead, it becomes, “I’m just an inconsistent person.” Or if you worry a lot, it becomes, “I’m an anxious person.”

And the reason we do this makes sense. Labels are efficient. They help us make sense of ourselves. They help us explain our behavior. They find patterns. And they give us an answer. And I think part of the reason we like labels so much is because they bring relief. So think about it. If you’ve been struggling with something for years, whether it’s consistency, procrastination, emotional eating, people pleasing, or really anything else, eventually, you want to know why. You want it to make sense, and labels are really good at giving us an explanation. Like, “I’m just not disciplined. I’m an anxious person. I’m a procrastinator.” Those explanations, they can feel oddly comforting because even though we don’t love the answer, we don’t have to wonder about it anymore. The uncertainty is gone.

And the problem here is that sometimes we become a little too attached to that answer. Meaning, what starts as a simple description of something we do, like, “Sometimes I put things off,” that becomes a description of who we are: “I am a procrastinator.” And once that happens, that’s when things get interesting because while your brain may like having a label, we have to be cautious when that label becomes limiting. Meaning, sometimes when we label ourselves, we stop asking questions. That label becomes the reason we stop looking for solutions. And sometimes those labels become the reason we stop believing that change is even possible.

And I think this is where so many people get stuck because having a label isn’t necessarily the problem. The problem is actually what happens next. Sometimes, “That’s just the way I am,” starts as an explanation. You notice a pattern. You see a tendency toward a certain behavior. You observe something about yourself that feels true, and that’s not automatically a bad thing. But sometimes, without even realizing it, the explanation becomes a conclusion. “This is who I am. This is how I’ve always been. This is how I’ll always be.” And once that happens, that’s when the conversation changes. Or actually, the conversation starts to end because the curiosity, it goes away. The troubleshooting stops, the experimenting ends, and the possibility of change gets farther and farther away from you. No good.

And it’s not because you’re lazy or you don’t care, or that you don’t want something different for yourself. It’s because you’ve already decided you know the answer. And when you’ve decided you know the answer, there’s not much left to look at, is there? It becomes the end of the conversation. And what’s even more interesting to me about this now is just how disempowering it can be. Because if something is simply who you are, then what exactly are you supposed to do about it? If you’re just an anxious person, then what options do you have? If you’re just bad at consistency, then why would you approach consistency any differently? If you’re just someone who doesn’t like confrontation, then what is the point of working on confrontation or setting boundaries? So do you see what happens? The label starts to make the situation feel fixed, like it’s permanent or unchangeable. It’s outside of you and therefore out of your control, right? No. And I don’t think most people do this intentionally.

I think most people do it because they’re frustrated. They’ve struggled, they’ve tried to change, they’ve had all kinds of setbacks. And eventually, they arrive at the conclusion that this must just be who they are. But what if that’s not true? What if what you’re describing isn’t your identity at all? What if it’s just a habit or a pattern or a belief, a way of coping? Because if it’s one of those things, then you’ve got something to work with. There is something else to learn there, something to change. And that is a very different conversation.

And this is one of the reasons I find coaching so interesting. Because when someone comes to me and says, “I’m just bad at consistency,” or, “I’ve always struggled with follow-through,” or, “I’m an emotional eater,” one of the first things I usually do is start asking questions. Like, always, in every situation? Or has that been true all of your life? Or is there any evidence that doesn’t fit with that? Because one thing I’ve learned from coaching is that people tend to be far more absolute in their description of themselves than reality actually supports.

So, for example, someone will tell me she’s bad at consistency. Okay, let’s look at that. She’s been showing up to work for 20 years. She’s raised kids. She’s managed a home. She’s paid bills. Now she’s caring for aging parents. She’s gotten kids to practices and appointments and school activities. She’s gotten through years of training to be where she is in her career. So that’s interesting to me because that doesn’t sound like someone who is incapable of consistency.

Instead, it sounds like someone who is struggling to be consistent in one particular area of her life. And those are not the same thing. Or let’s talk about this. How about, “I’m just not a confrontational person?” Really? Is that always true? Have you ever advocated for your kid or had a difficult conversation at work, sent an uncomfortable email, or stood up for something you believed in? So, maybe the more accurate statement is that you’re capable of confrontation under certain circumstances. And do you see the difference here?

One statement is absolute, the other is specific. One sounds like identity. The other sounds like a problem that can be solved. And that is why when I hear assertions like this that women make of themselves, one of my first jobs is to start looking for exceptions, because exceptions are important. They tell us that the story may not be as universal or as permanent as we think it is.

And often, when we start digging, we find that the conclusion, “I’ve always been this way,” isn’t exactly true. What’s usually more accurate is, “I’ve been doing this for a long time.” And that may sound like a small thing, but it’s actually huge because one suggests permanence, meaning always. And one suggests repetition or a behavior. And if something is a behavior or an action, instead of a character assessment, that can be executed differently.

And I want to point out one other cost to all of this. Because once you decide something is true about yourself, not only do you stop questioning it and start accepting it as fact, but then you also go out into the world looking for the evidence to support it. So let’s use consistency again here as our example because it comes up so often. If you’ve decided that you’re bad at consistency, what happens? Suddenly, every missed workout matters. Every skipped walk is evidence. Every day you plan to meal prep and didn’t is proof. And your brain notices all of it and uses it to reinforce your story. It’s saying, “See, here we go again. I knew this. This is exactly what we do.”

And what’s even more interesting is that while your brain is out collecting evidence that you’re inconsistent, it often straight up ignores the evidence that doesn’t fit that story. So, it ignores the times you did follow through. It minimizes the habits that you’ve already changed. It overlooks the commitments that you have kept. And it essentially ignores the areas of your life where you are consistent. Because once the story is established, your brain filters for proof to back up that story. Because remember, your brain loves to be right, and it especially likes to be right about you. And we all do this.

If you decide you’re bad with money, you’ll notice every impulse purchase, but it’s easy to ignore the times you said no. If you decide you’re socially awkward, you will remember every weird thing you said in a conversation and you’ll forget the times where you were witty or made everyone laugh. Your brain loves being right, even when being right doesn’t help you. And that is how labels can become really problematic. Because eventually, the label stops describing your behavior and starts directing your attention. So you’re not just objectively observing what’s happened, you’re building a case for yourself. You’re gathering evidence for a verdict that you have already decided. And over time, that story gets stronger and stronger. Not necessarily because it’s true, but because it’s the only evidence you’re paying attention to.

So, if these labels aren’t always telling us the whole story, then what are we actually looking at? Because when somebody tells me they’re lazy, inconsistent, undisciplined, anxious, or bad at follow-through, I start to wonder what else there is to the story. And maybe what they’re describing to me isn’t a personality trait at all. Maybe it’s a habit or a learned behavior, or fear, or a coping mechanism. Or maybe it’s a skill they never learned. Or maybe it’s a belief they’ve repeated so many times that it feels like a fact. So take emotional eating, for example. Someone might tell me, “I’m an emotional eater. That is just the way I am.” But maybe that’s not actually who they are. Maybe they’ve learned to use food to cope with stress, and over time, food became comfort, or maybe food became relief, or it was a way to unwind after a hard day. Those are learned behaviors, and learned behaviors can be changed. Or what about difficult conversations? So someone might tell me, “I’m just bad at confrontation.”

But maybe that’s not the absolute truth. Maybe they grew up in an environment where conflict felt totally unsafe. Maybe disagreements led to criticism. Or maybe speaking up had consequences. So, of course they’re avoiding difficult conversations. That makes total sense. But that is very different from saying, “This is just who I am.” Or what about being indecisive? I have a lot of people tell me that they overthink and they can’t make decisions. But maybe they’re not naturally indecisive at all. Maybe they’re trying so hard to make the perfect decision that they never make one at all.

So do you see the difference here? When we call these things personality traits, they feel fixed. But when we look at them as patterns instead, they become something you can actually work with. And that’s important because many of the things we think of as personality are actually just behaviors we’ve practiced repeatedly. They’re habits, beliefs, coping mechanisms. They’re strategies that made sense at some point in our lives. And over time, they became automatic and familiar and normal. They became, “That’s just the way I am.”

But familiar and permanent are not the same thing. And this is where your opportunity is because deciding that something is your personality basically shuts the door. It is the end of the conversation. But deciding that something is a pattern or a habit or a learned behavior, now you’ve got something to work with because now there’s room to ask questions. There’s room to experiment and room to mess up and try again. Because learned patterns, they are not stuck. They can be changed, and that is a very different way of looking at it.

So, now, let’s make this practical. Because if you’re listening to this and thinking to yourself, “All right, Carrie, fine. I do this. I have some labels that I have been using on myself for years.” But how do I know if what I’m describing is actually who I am, or if it’s just a story I’ve been repeating about myself for who knows how long? Well, I’ve got some questions for you to help you pull this apart.

So, first, if you find that you’re assigning yourself labels, the first thing you can ask is, “Is there any evidence that the opposite might be true?” I really love this question, though it’s a hard one because it requires that you be willing to prove yourself wrong. But let’s get back to consistency as an example here. If you tell me you’re bad at consistency, which is something I hear all the time, can you think of a single example where you weren’t? Like just one. Maybe you consistently showed up for your kids, or consistently paid your bills, or maybe you’ve exercised consistently before. Maybe you’ve been consistently successful in your career. And if the opposite has ever been true, then what you’re describing is not a fixed trait. It’s a pattern. And patterns most definitely can change.

So, another question to consider is this one. “Am I describing who I am or what I do?” There is a difference. So, if you say, “I’m an emotional eater,” okay, maybe. But what if a more accurate statement is, “Sometimes I use food to cope with my emotions.” Notice how different those feel. One sounds like an identity. It is describing you as a person. The other sounds like a behavior or something you do. One feels permanent, the other feels changeable. And I think that accuracy is important here because remember, the words you choose shape what you believe is possible.

So, if you tell yourself, “I’m an emotional eater,” you’ve turned a behavior into a fixed part of who you are. But if you tell yourself, “Sometimes I use food to cope,” you’ve described something you do, not someone you are. And that distinction matters because behaviors can change. And while identities can also change, they can feel much harder to challenge. So, we’re really focusing on the behavior here instead of the person because focusing on the behavior really gives you more to go with.

And then the last one, which is actually my favorite, is, “Is this belief helping me?” And I think this question is one that often gets overlooked. Because something can feel true and still not be useful. So, for example, maybe you have truly struggled with consistency for years. Okay, now what? Is continuing to tell yourself that you’re an inconsistent person, is that helping you become a more consistent person? Or is it keeping you stuck? Is calling yourself indecisive helping you make decisions? Is calling yourself bad at boundaries helping you set better boundaries? No.

And my point in bringing this up is that sometimes the most important question isn’t whether a belief is true. Sometimes the more important question is whether it’s useful. Because the goal here really isn’t to argue with reality. No. The goal is to stop telling yourself stories that make changing your life even harder than it needs to be.

So now, after all of this, you may be wondering, well, what am I supposed to do instead? And honestly, it starts with paying attention to your language. It starts with awareness. It always starts with awareness. So, that means the next time you hear yourself saying, “This is just the way I am,” pause and see if you can come up with a more accurate description. So, instead of, “I’m just an emotional eater,” maybe try something like, “Emotional eating is something I’m struggling with.” Or, instead of, “I’m always inconsistent,” maybe try, “Consistency is something I’m working on.” Or instead of, “I’m just not a confrontational person,” maybe try, “Difficult conversations are something I’m learning to handle.”

And notice what’s happening here when you do this. The goal is most definitely not toxic positivity. I’m not asking you to pretend your struggle doesn’t exist. I’m also not asking you to ignore reality and fake it till you make it. I’m not asking you to tell yourself that everything is easy when it isn’t. The goal really is to leave yourself room for change. You’re leaving the door open. Because when you say, “That’s just the way I am,” conversation’s over.

The door is closed, slam shut, and the verdict has been delivered. But when you say, “This is something I’ve struggled with,” or, “This is something I’m working on,” now there’s somewhere to go. Now there’s room to learn, room to practice something different, room to improve, and you leave yourself an opening. And you leave yourself the possibility that the future doesn’t have to look exactly like your past. That is huge.

And when you keep doing that and choose words to describe yourself that reflect the kind of person you want to become, something cool happens. You start to believe it. You look for evidence to prove those words true. You find ways that you are becoming more consistent. You find evidence of days when you did not emotionally eat. You prove to yourself that you can in fact handle a difficult confrontation. And that’s why how you talk about yourself and how you talk about your life, it matters.

Sometimes that small shift in your language is enough to change the entire direction of your conversation. Because instead of deciding who you are, you leave room to become someone different. And it’s a reminder to your brain that a pattern, it is not a life sentence. So maybe the takeaway here isn’t that every belief you have about yourself is wrong. Maybe some of them are true. Maybe you have struggled with consistency. Maybe difficult conversations don’t come naturally to you. Maybe you spent years people pleasing. Maybe you’ve used food, alcohol, work, achievement, or staying busy as a way to cope. You don’t have to deny any of that.

But what I’m encouraging you to question is the certainty, the certainty that this is just who you are, or the certainty that just because something was true in the past, it has to be true in the future too, or that because you’ve repeated a pattern for a long time, it has to be permanent. Because one thing coaching has taught me is that people are often much less fixed than they think they are. We are capable of change. We can learn, we can adapt and practice new skills and challenge old beliefs. Because one thing coaching has taught me is that people are often much less fixed than they think they are. We are capable of change. We can learn, we can adapt, and practice new skills and challenge old beliefs and think and live differently than we did before. And most of that starts with being willing to question the stories that we’ve accepted as straight-up fact.

So, the next time you catch yourself saying, “That’s just the way I am,” pause and ask yourself, is that really who I am? Or is that just the explanation I’ve been using? Because the answer to that question might reveal possibilities about yourself that you haven’t considered, and that is a really great place to start.

All right? And if you want help with this, let’s go. When you coach with me, we look at the beliefs, patterns, and stories that are directing your choices, and we figure out which ones are helping you and which ones are keeping you stuck. Check out my website, send me a message at www.CarrieHollandMD.com/contact, and let’s talk about how coaching will help you challenge old patterns, build new ones, and create results that actually last. All right? Thank you again for hanging out with me, and I’ll catch you again next week. —

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Thank you for listening to the Strong Is a Mindset podcast. If you want to learn more about how to build both a strong mind and a strong body by eating, moving, and most importantly, thinking, check out CarrieHollandMD.com.