Ep #179: When Your Old Self Shows Up at the Holidays: How to Stay Present

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, Episode #179. If your old self shows up the minute you walk into a family gathering before the turkey even hits the table, I’ve got you. Today, we’re talking about how the holidays can bring out your old habits and old roles and how to shift it.

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, where you’ll learn how to build both a strong body and a strong mind by eating, moving, and thinking. I’m your host Physician, Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach and Certified Life Coach, Carrie Holland. 

Hey, how are you? What’s new? What’s good? So, what’s good here? Well, when you hear this, it will be the day before Thanksgiving. And here, we are getting ready to run our very first family Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning, all four of us. And I’m actually pretty pumped about it. I even got a Thanksgiving tutu to wear for the occasion, which is very much out of character for me. And my kids are already mortified, and I won’t be surprised if they pretend not to know me come race day. And that’s totally fine. I will race in my tutu, living my best festive life, whether they claim me or not. I am choosing fun. They’re choosing mild humiliation, and it’s all just part of the holiday experience.

And so, what else is good here is that we are going to talk about something that affects every single one of us during the holidays. But we usually don’t name it. And that is the version of you that shows up when you’re back in an old environment. So, what exactly do I mean by that? Well, most people think the holidays are challenging because of the food. The casseroles, the pies, the grazing, the second dinner, the leftovers, all of it. And yes, of course, food is part of it, but that’s the surface layer stuff. Underneath the pile of turkey and the stuffing is the real challenge, or what really makes the holidays feel hard or chaotic or heavy. And that is the emotional environment that you’re walking into.

Meaning, you’re not just walking into your childhood home. You’re not just walking into Nana’s house, okay? You are walking into years of patterns, years of expectations, years of roles you’ve played, sometimes without even realizing it. Think about it. You walk in the door and you immediately smell the same smells. You see the same people sitting in the same chairs, having the same conversations, and then your brain quietly says to you, “Oh yeah, I remember what this is. I remember who I’m supposed to be here.” And without even noticing it, you shift.

You slip back into the role you’ve always played, often without missing a beat. Maybe that role is the helper or the peacekeeper or the fixer or the one who smooths everything over. Maybe you’re the good girl who keeps her mouth shut to keep the peace. Maybe you’re the cleaner upper. That is totally me, by the way. The one who jumps up to do the dishes because sitting around the table feels too vulnerable.

So, whatever your role was, your brain remembers it. And it tries to put you back into that role the second you walk through the door. And this, this right here is the part that no one talks about. The holidays don’t just challenge your eating habits. They also challenge your identity habits. They challenge the version of yourself that you worked really hard to outgrow. They challenge the boundaries you’ve been learning to set. They challenge the emotional regulation that you’ve been practicing for months, if not years. And they challenge all of that in an environment that cues up the oldest, most ingrained version of you possible.

So when you’re sitting at the table, wondering to yourself between bites of dry turkey, why am I like this around my family? Or why can’t I just stay in control here the way I can at home? Or why is this so much harder than it should be? Please know that it’s not because you’re weak or lack discipline or because you’re bad at holidays. It’s really because you’re confronting an old identity. One that feels so familiar and so deeply wired within you that your brain brings it out automatically without asking your permission.

And that, that identity pull is what makes the holidays feel so intense. So yes, the food matters, the schedule matters, the stress matters. But this right here, the way your old self tries to sit down at the table with you, that is the real root of many of your holiday struggles. And once you understand this layer, everything else, the food, the stress, the pressure, the planning, that all starts to make so much more sense.

So, why does this even happen? Why do you suddenly feel like a kid again when you walk into Thanksgiving dinner, even though you’re a full-fledged adult and maybe with your own kids in tow? So, once again, it goes back to your brain. Familiar environments trigger familiar behaviors. And your brain is always pattern matching. So that means the minute you walk into a house you’ve spent years in, whether that’s your childhood home, your grandma’s home, or your in-law’s home, your brain immediately scans the environment and goes, “Yep, got it. I know this dynamic. This is who we are here.”

And because your brain loves efficiency, and by efficiency, I mean taking the path of least resistance and doing the least amount of thinking possible, your brain pulls up the behavioral template you’ve been using in that environment for years. And before you’ve even taken off your coat, the script loads. This is where we stay quiet. This is where we help in the kitchen. This is where we keep the peace. This is where we don’t rock the boat. This is where we clean up instead of sitting through awkward conversations. It’s not intentional. It’s not conscious. It’s automatic.

Your brain is trying to protect you by falling back on what it knows has worked in that environment before. Even if what worked was you feeling small, drained, resentful, or even fake. So, it’s not that you’re regressing or overreacting. It’s your brain trying to match the environment to the behavior and firing the neural pathways it’s fired a thousand times before. Your brain is running an old playbook, one that it learned over decades. And that’s why these familiar environments feel so powerful. The space itself pulls up a version of you that was shaped in those rooms around those people in those exact dynamics. That is the external trigger. That’s the environment cueing your behavior.

But there’s a second layer to this too, and that comes from the inside. Because even if you changed the environment, even if everything looked different on the outside, your primitive survival brain has its own reasons for hanging on to old patterns. So now, let’s go internal. So your primitive brain, the part that’s wired for comfort, predictability, and avoiding anything that feels threatening, absolutely hates uncertainty. And the holidays, while they are fun, they are also full of uncertainty. You’ve got different schedules, different food, different conversations, different sleeping arrangements, unexpected comments, unexpected tension, unexpected emotions, unexpected everything.

Nothing is routine. Nothing is predictable. Nothing feels like your normal rhythm. And when your brain doesn’t know what’s coming next, it goes into safety mode. And so what feels safe? Doing whatever you’ve always done. Even if it’s unhelpful or outdated or even if it leaves you feeling irritated or small. Your brain thinks it’s protecting you when it pulls out old patterns that keep you quiet or have you eating to cope or leave you cleaning instead of engaging.

Your brain isn’t sabotaging you or giving you extra work. It’s really trying to anchor you in familiarity because uncertainty feels threatening. And here’s the problem. To your brain, familiar beats functional every single time. And that is why you can walk into Thanksgiving feeling grounded and calm, and 30 minutes later, find yourself scrubbing pans, nodding along to a conversation you don’t even agree with, or eating just to have something to do with your hands. So, again, you’re not regressing. Your brain is doing what it’s wired to do: anchor itself in safety by falling back onto the habits and identities that feel the safest.

And that brings us to the deepest layer of all, your identity. Because those reactions aren’t just habits. They’re old roles. They’re old versions of you that get activated the minute you’re back in the environment they were first formed. And the holidays are exactly when those identity patterns tend to show up the strongest. So, think about it. Every family system has unspoken roles. You might be the nice girl, the helper, the peacekeeper, the achiever, the quiet one, the fixer, the one who never complains. Whatever it is, those roles get etched into your identity early on. And because they’re tied to belonging and stability, they stick.

And when you walk back into the environment where that identity was formed, your brain says, “Right, this is who we are.” So, it’s not just about behavior anymore. It’s about identity. This is why you can be bold, articulate, confident, and powerful in your actual life, but you sit down at Thanksgiving dinner and suddenly you find yourself shrinking, pleasing, avoiding, cleaning, shutting down, or biting your tongue so hard it might fall off.

And again, this isn’t because you’re incapable. It’s really just your brain leaning on an old identity that used to keep you safe but is no longer helpful. Okay? So, now, once you’ve seen these three layers clearly, your external environment, your internal primitive brain wiring, and the even deeper layer of your old identity, the holidays start to make a lot more sense. Because these layers don’t just stay theoretical. They show up in how you move throughout the day. And that identity piece, the role that you’ve played for years, is often what drives the rest of your behavior. It shapes how you respond, how you cope, and what you default to when things feel stressful or emotionally charged.

And for most of the women I coach, these patterns tend to show up in the exact same places every single year. It shows up in the food, in the perfectionism, in the people-pleasing, in the overdoing and over-functioning. So, these aren’t just coming out of nowhere. They’re predictable responses being pulled up by your brain that’s trying to keep you safe in the only way it knows how.

So, let’s start with food because this is the most common place where old patterns show up during the holidays. And if food has ever been a coping mechanism for you, then walking into a stressful or emotionally loaded holiday gathering is going to bring some of that to the surface. And so many of my clients describe the exact same experience, and I’m guessing you can relate. They’ll say things to me like, there was so much food. I was doing fine, and then I went off. Or I don’t know what happened. Or the one I hear most often, I’ll just make good choices, which is usually code for I just don’t want to think about it.

But here is what’s actually happening. Your brain is already overstimulated. You’re dealing with unfamiliar schedules, louder rooms, more emotion, different routines, and a whole lot of input. And when your brain is in that state, it’s not thinking about your long-term goals. It’s not trying to help you savor your meal mindfully. It’s just trying to find something familiar really fast. And food is one of the easiest ways for your brain to find safety in the moment. So, of course you eat more. Of course, you graze. Of course, you feel drawn to every carb that passes within 3 feet of you. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re human. And your brain is defaulting to whatever coping strategy has worked in that environment before. Even if what worked was mindless snacking, stress eating, cleaning your plate when you’re already full, and saying yes when you want to say no, but turning down food feels awkward.

So, this is your environment, your primitive brain wiring, and your old identity all colliding at once. And food is often the first place it shows up. And again, these patterns don’t stay contained to food. When you feel like you’re slipping into your old version of yourself, it also shows in how you move through the entire day, especially in the places where you already tend to over-function. And for so many of my clients, that shows up as holiday perfectionism.

So, what does that mean? Well, some of my clients love the fantasy holiday versions of themselves. The one who bakes the perfect pie, sets the perfect table, buys all the right gifts, handles the kids, manages the travel, keeps the schedule, helps in the kitchen, diffuses the tension, and does it all with a smile like she’s hosting a real simple photo shoot. And then they beat themselves up whenever they can’t deliver on their unrealistic expectations.

So again, this is not weakness. This is not being dramatic. It’s the identity script running in the background. It’s the one that says, “I’m the one who makes everything perfect. I’m the one who makes everyone else feel comfortable.” And maybe you’ve lived that role for years, and your brain thinks it’s still required. And when things feel out of control, as they often do during the holidays, your brain tries to regain control in the only way it knows how. And that’s exactly where perfectionism steps in. It’s your brain’s way of saying, “If I can’t control the room, I’ll control the experience.” And that’s when you end up bending over backwards to try and make sure that everything is perfect.

And perfectionism usually doesn’t travel alone because once you’re trying to control the experience, people-pleasing usually shows up right behind it. And this is the part where you start managing everyone else’s comfort instead of your own, often without even realizing you’re doing it. And this one is sneaky. It shows up fast, and it shows up subtle. It sounds like, “It’s fine. I can do it. I’ll take care of that. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. I didn’t want to say no. They’ll be disappointed if I don’t.” These thoughts often feel so automatic that half the time you don’t even register them as choices. They just feel like obligations.

People-pleasing shows up so quickly that you often say yes before you even have had time to notice you don’t want to. Or you override your own preferences because keeping the peace feels like the safer option. Or you run yourself ragged, making sure everyone is fed, warm, settled, entertained, comfortable. And then wonder why you feel completely depleted by the end of the night.

And again, this is your old identity running the show. This is the identity that learned somewhere along the way that being agreeable keeps the room calm, that your job is to smooth things over, that it’s easier if you absorb the discomfort than for someone else to feel it. It’s the identity that believes your needs can wait until everything else is handled. And the holidays totally amplify this because you’re surrounded by people who still see you in that role and a brain that has practiced it for years. So, of course, that version of you shows up real fast. That identity is the one that has been rehearsed the most.

But here’s the part I really want you to hear. None of this is a character flaw. It’s really a pattern, a really old one that makes perfect sense once you see all the layers beneath it. And the good news is once you see that pattern clearly, you’re in a position to change it. And if you’re hearing yourself in any of these patterns, good. That means you’re paying attention. And once you see these patterns for what they are, you’re no longer trapped by them. You’re not doomed to repeat every old holiday habit forever. You can choose a different way to show up.

So, first, make some decisions ahead of time, okay? And if you’re thinking this smells of planning, you are onto me. I know I say it repeatedly here on the podcast, but it’s only because it’s just that essential. Whether that’s how much pumpkin pie you’re going to have or how you’ll respond when your brother-in-law tries to engage you in political discourse, have a plan. Honestly, this is everything. And why is it everything? Why do I make such a big deal out of planning? Well, when you decide ahead of time how you want to handle your day, what you want to eat, how you want to move, what you’re willing to say yes to, what you’re absolutely saying no to, you take yourself out of autopilot. You put yourself in charge and you give yourself agency. You are not at the effect of what your Aunt Susie says to you.

And this is so important on a day like Thanksgiving when there are triggers and indulgences and emotions flying at you from every direction. So, please do not walk in thinking, “I’ll just make good choices or I’ll figure it out.” Because while that sounds lovely, that is not going to help you when you feel triggered by your cousin’s off-handed comment. Things don’t just work out, especially in a highly stimulating environment. Your brain will always default to what’s easiest and most familiar in the moment. And if you’ve spent years coping with holiday stress by overeating or people-pleasing or trying to smooth everything over, those are the choices your brain will reach for first.

But having a plan interrupts all of that. It gives your brain a direction to follow when everything feels chaotic and unpredictable. And a well thought out plan keeps you from slipping into old habits. And your plan, it does not have to be perfect or rigid or complicated. All you’re doing is giving yourself a blueprint so you don’t have to make multiple emotional decisions while you’re in the middle of a moment.

Because here’s a key concept to consider. Without a plan, everything becomes reactive. So you end up reacting to the food that’s handed to you, the stress in the room, the awkward conversation, being put on the spot, or the emotions of the people around you. And when you’re reactive, your brain is not thinking about your goals. It’s thinking about how to get you out of discomfort as soon as possible. And that is when overeating and over-functioning sneak in. So, make some decisions. Decide both what you will do and how you will think. Remember, you need both if you want an effective plan. You need the strategy, but you also need the mindset to back it up. Decide what your plan is going to be around food. And decide how you’re going to talk to yourself when things get stressful.

And remember, having this plan is not about nailing it with pure perfection. It’s really about supporting yourself and giving yourself something steady to go to so you don’t get swept up in the noise of the day. So, having a plan is you deciding, “Hey, this is how I want this to go,” instead of letting the environment decide for you. So, even the simplest, smallest plan is better than just hoping that willpower carries you through, especially on a day when willpower is already in short supply. Okay?

Now, here’s your next tool, and that is floor habits. You may have heard me talk about floor habits in the past. And if there’s ever a time to lean on the floor version of your routines, it’s the holidays. Because here’s the truth, your full routine is probably not happening over Thanksgiving. You’re likely not getting in your full workout or hitting your exact protein targets or eating at your normal times or having your usual structure to the day. And that’s okay. The point of floor habits isn’t to replicate a normal Thursday. It’s to keep yourself focused and grounded enough so that you don’t feel like you’re starting from square one come Monday.

So, your floor habits are the simplest, smallest actions that will help you feel like you. So maybe that’s going for a walk. Maybe it’s having water before you go for coffee. Maybe it’s eating a real breakfast with protein instead of saving up your calories all day. Maybe it’s going outside just to breathe some outdoor air. None of these things take much time or effort and none of them need to be perfect. But these floor habits do keep you secured in a routine just enough so that you’re not getting swept away by the intensity of the holiday.

And here’s what I love about floor habits and why I talk about them all the time. They are available to you no matter where you are. So, by nature, they are designed to be the smallest things you can do that still keep you in the game. So, you don’t need your equipment, your kitchen, or your usual schedule. You just need the willingness to do something, really anything that supports you and keeps you moving forward, even if it’s in millimeters, okay? So on a day like Thanksgiving, your floor habits, they are your anchor. And when your days get busy or emotional or overwhelming, you have that anchor to return to that tells you, “Hey, I’m still in this. I’m not hanging it up.” All right?

Now, another tool you’ve got to get you through the holidays is boundaries. And when I say that, I don’t mean dramatic, confrontational, walk out of the Thanksgiving dining room kind of boundaries. Instead, I mean calm, neutral, simple boundaries that help you protect your energy and stay connected to yourself. Because you know the minute you walk into a house full of people, the requests and the comments start rolling in. Things like, “Can you do this? What do you think about this topic? Do you want some of this? You should stay longer. Why don’t you eat more?” And before you know it, you’ve said yes to things that you didn’t want to and have gotten totally fired up about comments that you normally wouldn’t tolerate. And you’re wondering why you feel resentful, overstressed, and completely drained. But that’s where boundaries come in.

So, boundaries are not about shutting people out. Really, they’re about staying in alignment with what matters to you even when there are loads of other opinions, emotions, and expectations swirling around you. And when you use your boundaries, sometimes it might look like saying, “I’m good, thank you,” or, “I’m not going to talk about politics today,” or, “I’m just going to step outside for a minute.” And you don’t need to explain or justify. All you’re doing is stating your limit.

And the thing I tell my clients all the time about boundaries is this. Your boundary does not need to be perfect in order to be effective. You don’t have to get it exactly right. You don’t have to say it beautifully. You don’t have to anticipate every single thing someone might say back to you. You just have to give yourself permission to honor your needs and act on them. Because when you do, the day will feel different. It will feel calmer, less chaotic, and less emotionally draining.

All right. And this last tool I want to offer you is my favorite. And that is bring the present version of you to the table. Because if you’ve ever walked into a family gathering and immediately felt like you morphed into a younger, quieter, smaller version of yourself, you know how strong your old identity patterns can be. It happens fast. It can feel automatic, like your adult self just shrinks back and lets the old you take over. But here’s the thing. The version of you that shows up automatically is not the only option available. You don’t have to default to the older version of yourself just because your brain recognizes the environment. You get to choose who walks through that door, okay?

So, here’s what I want you to try. Before you walk in, like literally, while you’re in the car or putting on your coat or walking up the driveway, take 10 seconds and remind yourself who you are today. Not the version of you who used to sit quietly and shove meatballs in her mouth to avoid conflict, speaking from experience here. Not the version of you who tried to keep everyone happy. Not the version of you who cleaned up the entire kitchen so she didn’t have to engage. I mean the version of you who exists right now. The one who’s been doing the work. The one who’s been building awareness, setting boundaries, working on her habits, following through, and showing up for herself. The version who’s been growing and changing.

So, imagine her. Feel how she carries herself. Think about how she responds and also what she doesn’t respond to. Think about what she says yes to, and just as important, think about what she politely declines. That’s the person you want making your decisions. Let that person walk through the door, not the old version of you who shows up automatically just because the environment is familiar.

And here’s what I love about this. When you consciously bring your current version of yourself into the room, everything gets easier. Your choices become clearer. Your boundaries feel calmer. Your habits feel more doable. And you’re not working against yourself the whole day. Instead, you’re working with yourself. And when you let that version of you take the lead, you leave the holiday feeling steady and proud instead of depleted. You leave feeling like you stayed true to yourself instead of sliding back into a role that no longer fits you. So this, this is the version of you that you want at the table. Not the one who learned to survive the environment years ago, but the one who has grown beyond it.

So, that is what I want you to take with you into the holiday season. Not the idea that you have to white knuckle your way through Thanksgiving or micromanage every bite of food that you take or be on your best behavior so no one gets upset. That, that’s the old script talking. The one you’ve probably acted out for years without even realizing it. But this year, you get to do it differently.

Remember that the holidays don’t have to be chaotic or draining or something that you just have to get through. You’re allowed to enjoy food without going off the rails. You are allowed to show up without turning yourself into the cleaner upper, the peacekeeper, or the emotional manager for the whole room. You’re allowed to not take responsibility for everyone’s mood. You are allowed to take care of yourself, even on a day that is traditionally about taking care of everyone else. Because holidays don’t have to be the time you abandon yourself. They don’t have to be a blur of overeating, overthinking, and overdoing. They don’t have to pull you back into an outdated version of yourself that you have worked so hard to outgrow.

You can decide ahead of time how you want to show up. You can lean on the floor version of your habits. You can say no without following it up with an apology. You can bring the present day you, the adult, focused, strong version of you to the table. And when you do, things shift. You will leave your gathering feeling like you stayed true to yourself instead of feeling like you shapeshifted into someone you don’t even recognize. You will leave feeling calm instead of drained. And you’ll leave proud instead of resentful.

So, as you head into this holiday, please remember this. You are not obligated to replay the same old patterns. You always get to choose how you show up and you always get to choose how you leave. And I hope you choose the version of you who knows she can handle anything, even in old rooms, even with old triggers, and even when the stuffing is dry and the conversations get weird. All right?

And if you want support with your habits, your mindset, or just figuring out how to actually apply this work in your real life, let’s talk. Check out my website, send me a message at www.CarrieHollandMD.com/contact, and let’s talk about what you want, what’s getting in the way, and how coaching will help you move forward. Happy Thanksgiving to you. Thank you again for hanging out with me, and I’ll catch you again next week.

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Thank you for listening to the Strong Is a Mindset podcast. If you want to learn more about how to build both a strong mind and a strong body by eating, moving, and most importantly, thinking, check out CarrieHollandMD.com.