Ep #210: What if Nothing Is Missing? Why We Keep Looking for ‘The Thing’

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, Episode #210. If you’ve ever been convinced there was one thing you hadn’t figured out yet, like the right diet, the right plan, or the right strategy, let’s talk about it. Because what if there isn’t a missing piece?

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, where you’ll learn how to build both a strong body and a strong mind by eating, moving, and thinking. I’m your host Physician, Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach and Certified Life Coach, Carrie Holland. 

Hey, how are you? What’s new? What’s good? So, what’s good here? Well, today I’m going to pull apart something I see all the time, and it is not just with my clients. In fact, it might sound very familiar to you. So, to start, imagine something you’re struggling with. So that could be your diet, exercise, work, health, whatever it is that you’re struggling with. Think about it, and then ask if you’ve ever thought to yourself, maybe if I just find the right diet, maybe if I start the right workout plan, maybe if I finally find the perfect supplement, buy the right planner, get my schedule organized, maybe if I can find the thing I’m missing, then things will fall into place.

And at first go, it all sounds reasonable and logical. If you’ve been struggling and you’re not making the kind of progress you envisioned, then surely something must be missing. And I’ve got an example from a recent coaching client experience. I was working with a client who really wanted to lose weight, and every time we met, if things were not going as quickly as she hoped, her brain immediately went looking for an explanation. Maybe it was stress. Maybe it was sleep. Maybe it was the carbohydrates. Maybe it was that she just needed to lift heavier weights. Maybe it was something else that we hadn’t figured out yet.

And as we talked through this on multiple different occasions, and each time she came up with a different answer, I realized something. This client wasn’t really looking for an answer. She was looking for certainty. Because if she could just find the thing that was preventing her from making progress, then everything would feel more predictable, more controllable. And while this is just one client example, I think a lot of us do this. We spend years looking for the thing, the thing that will finally make weight loss easier, or the thing that will finally make us consistent or motivated. We’re looking for the thing that explains why we’re stuck, and that finally makes everything click.

But here’s what I want you to consider from the outset. What if the problem isn’t that you haven’t found the answer yet? What if the problem is that you’re so busy looking for a better answer that you’re actually overlooking what’s already right in front of you that is working? And that is where we’re going today. I’ve got some ideas that might make navigating your change just a little easier and so that you don’t feel compelled to constantly be looking for the next thing. My goal is to help you stop constantly questioning what you’re doing because I think often that constant questioning is doing way more harm than good.

So, let’s go. Now, let’s start with the obvious question. Why do we even do this? Why are we always looking for the thing that’s going to make everything else fall into place? And I think part of the answer is because we’re problem solvers, especially if you are listening to this podcast. Many of you are smart, capable, successful in your careers. You’re used to figuring things out. You find the reason why something isn’t working, and then you fix it. So, when there’s a problem at work, you solve it. Or when a carpool or schedule falls apart at home, you solve it. It’s in your blood to name the problem, find the answer, and fix things.

So, it makes total sense that if you’re trying to do something like lose weight, establish an exercise routine, build a business, find a new career, change a habit, it makes total sense that you would approach it the same way. You assume there must be an answer. There must be a reason. There’s got to be something that explains why things are not moving as quickly as you’d like. And in all honesty, sometimes there is. Sometimes you do need more information, and sometimes you do need a different approach. But I think where a lot of people get stuck is that they start treating their life like a puzzle. They become convinced that there’s a missing piece they just haven’t found yet. And if they can find it, then things will finally click.

I see this all the time with weight loss. Someone starts eating a little better. Maybe she started having more protein and fiber and veggies at her meals. And maybe she started exercising, but despite these changes, the scale is not moving as fast as she hoped. And here’s the funny thing. So those changes you made, the adjustments that you’ve made to your meals, like protein, fiber, veggies, or having real complete meals instead of piecing together a bunch of snacks and calling it lunch, or having a salad every day with dinner. All of those things, they are super helpful. They are going to make you feel better. Those are things that I would suggest to any human, whether they are trying to lose weight or not.

And the interesting thing here is that often a client will start doing some of these things, and if the scale doesn’t move fast enough, instead of asking, do I need more time, her brain immediately starts looking for another explanation. Like there’s got to be something else, like stress or hormones, or the workout, or not enough protein, or too many carbs, or poor sleep, or maybe it’s something else entirely. And again, those things can most definitely matter, but what often gets overlooked is the appeal of the search in the first place. Because as long as the answer is still out there somewhere, there is a reason you haven’t gotten the result you’re looking for yet. There can be this sense that you’re just one clue away from finally getting unstuck, and all you’ve got to do is find it.

And when you really stop to think about it, that search for the answer gives us a lot of things. It gives us an explanation because if we can point to something like stress or sleep or some other missing piece, then there is a reason things aren’t happening in the way we expected, and we love answers. That search also gives us control because if we can identify the problem, then surely we can go and fix it just like we fix everything else, right? And then maybe most importantly, the search for the missing piece gives us certainty, or actually, I should correct myself. It’s the promise of certainty. We start believing that once we find the answer, we’re good. Things will make sense. We’ll know exactly what to do, and the struggle will lessen.

And honestly, that is why looking for the thing is so appealing. It’s not because we’re doing anything wrong and it’s not because we’re failing, it’s because searching feels a whole lot better than not knowing. And if you’ve ever worked on a puzzle, you know what this feels like. We look at our progress and think there’s got to be something I’m missing. There’s got to be another answer. There has to be one more thing I need to figure this out. But what if that’s not true? So to keep with my puzzle analogy here, what if the puzzle is actually coming together exactly the way it’s supposed to?

What if the issue isn’t that you’re missing a piece? What if the issue is that you just don’t like how slowly the picture is coming together? Because that is a very different problem. And I think that’s the problem that so many of us are actually dealing with. And I think this is where things get interesting because if searching for the thing was only about gathering information, most of us would stop once we had enough, but that is not often what happens. Instead, we keep on looking. We read another article, listen to another podcast, watch another video, find another book, and tweak the plan again and again and again.

So, what exactly is going on here? Well, I think there’s a sneaky false promise underneath all of this, and it sounds like this. If I can just figure this out, then I won’t have to feel uncomfortable anymore. Or, if I can find the answer, then I can finally stop having to deal with uncertainty and stop wondering if this is going to work. Or, if I can crack the code, I won’t have to wait so long for results. And the reason this even shows up is because the alternative to searching for the next answer is hard. The alternative is not knowing.

It’s continuing to show up without proof that it’s working. Meaning, you continue doing the workout when you’re not yet seeing the changes in your physique that you wanted. Or, you continue eating differently and keep going with your protein and your fiber and your salads before the scale even moves. Or, you put yourself out there before you know whether you’ll succeed. And that alternative is legit hard. That requires patience. It also requires discomfort and trusting something that you don’t have evidence for yet. And most of us do not love those things.

So instead, we keep looking because searching feels productive. It feels like you’re doing something. It feels like you’re taking action. It feels like you’re doing something to solve the problem. And that is the hidden promise underneath all of this. If I can just find the answer, maybe I won’t have to sit with uncertainty anymore. If I could just find the answer, maybe it won’t feel so uncomfortable anymore. But the problem is, life does not work that way. Change doesn’t work that way. Change means uncertainty, and that is part of the process. And that’s where this starts to get expensive and costing you loads of time and energy.

Now, if you’re listening to this and thinking, okay, that’s interesting, but I don’t obsess over protein or hormones. So, let’s zoom out for a second because this isn’t really a weight loss issue, it’s a human issue. Weight loss is just one place where it very commonly shows up. Think about your career for example. Maybe you’ve been feeling dissatisfied at work. Maybe you feel stuck or bored or even unfulfilled, and then your brain starts looking for the next thing. Maybe I need a new job or another certification, a different role, a different schedule. And to be clear, sometimes one or more of those things really is the answer, but sometimes we’re so focused on finding the next thing that we never stop to ask whether we’ve given the current thing enough time, attention, or effort.

Or think about exercise. Maybe you’re trying really hard to establish a consistent exercise routine, but you’re struggling. So then, you decide you need a gym membership. But you get the gym membership and you don’t go, and you feel like you’re wasting the money, so you buy a Peloton. And you get the bike, you get it all set up, and ride maybe two or three times, and then it starts to collect dust. And then you decide cycling maybe just isn’t your thing, and you decide it’s yoga instead. So, you join a hot yoga studio because you heard that hot yoga is good for loosening you up, but after a few classes, you stop going and decide it’s too hot for you, and maybe there’s some other kind of exercise that you should be doing instead.

Or, maybe it’s a relationship. Maybe you have a difficult conversation with your partner or your friend or family member, and instead of sitting with the discomfort of working through that, your brain immediately starts looking for the thing that will make it easier, like the perfect words or the right boundary or the perfect solution, the thing that will make the discomfort go away. What all of these examples have in common is that they assume the answer is somewhere outside of us. It is somewhere we haven’t looked yet or something we haven’t discovered yet.

And while sometimes that’s true, it’s not nearly as often as we think. Because so often, the thing standing between us and the result we’re looking for is not more or missing information. Instead, what gets in the way is our willingness to stay with a process when we don’t yet have proof that it’s working. And that is much harder to do. So now, let’s talk about what this costs you. Because at first go, searching sounds harmless, right? So looking for other answers sounds like you’re being responsible. And to be honest, there is nothing inherently wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with learning or being curious or making thoughtful adjustments when something legitimately is not working.

But there is most definitely a cost to constantly searching. Because every time we convince ourselves that the answer is somewhere else, we become a little less willing to stay with what we’re already doing. We start questioning things before they’ve had a chance to really work. We abandon things prematurely, and we start over, and then we start over again. So, we get incredibly good at beginning, but not very good at continuing. And then we wonder why nothing seems to stick. This happens all the time with health and weight loss. Someone starts making changes. They’re eating better, planning ahead, getting workouts in, maybe even sleeping more, and maybe they’re even feeling better.

But because the scale isn’t moving as quickly as they hoped, they start wondering if they need a different approach. And then they’re changing the plan. And it’s not because the plan isn’t working, it’s because they didn’t like the speed of the results. And the problem here is that every time you restart with a new thing, you reset the clock. You never get to see what might have happened if you stayed the course a little longer. And this happens in lots of areas of our lives. We jump from planner to planner, course to course, strategy to strategy, job to job. And the underlying theme is the same.

We’re convinced that the answer is somewhere just beyond where we are right now. And sometimes it’s true, but sometimes the search for the answer becomes the reason you never get one. So I want you to really hear that. Sometimes your constant search for the answer becomes the reason you never really find one, and it can cost you years and tons of frustration. Because you’re so busy gathering information that you never actually spend enough time applying it. So you become super knowledgeable, but not necessarily effective. You know what to do, but you just haven’t done it long enough to see what happens. And that is a very frustrating place to be.

Because it feels like you’re working hard. You’re reading, thinking, researching, planning, and all of that feels like forward movement, but none of those things are the same as practicing. None of those things are the same as repetition. And more often, all of that reading and thinking and planning distracts you from doing the boring work that actually gives you the results you want. So think about it. Searching is exciting. Implementing is boring. A new workout system, exciting. Going for another walk today, boring. A new diet, exciting. Repeating the same healthy breakfast for six months, boring.

And here is the common denominator. Every time you go searching for the thing, you get to avoid the discomfort of repetition, but it still feels like you’re doing something. And I think that’s one of the biggest risks of constantly looking for the thing. The search itself starts to feel like progress, but it’s often false progress. Because sometimes the most productive thing you can do is stop searching for something new and just keep going. So, with that said, let’s go in a different direction here and consider a different possibility.

What if the answer you’re looking for is not hidden? What if there isn’t some piece of information that you’ve somehow missed? What if you’ve already found it? Because when I think about health and weight loss, most people already know quite a bit. They know a lot. Meaning, most people know that eating more protein is probably helpful. They know that moving their body is helpful. They know sleep is important, that planning ahead is easier than trying to wing it. They know that drinking less alcohol is generally helpful, and they know that strength training is a good idea. You probably know all of this already.

So, most people are not starting from zero, but despite knowing all of that, we still find ourselves looking, searching for the next thing or the better thing or the missing thing. Why? Because I don’t think we’re always looking for more information. I think sometimes we’re looking for a faster path. We’re looking for a path that guarantees results or a path that doesn’t require so much waiting. And that is when it gets uncomfortable. Because what if the reason you’re not getting the result you want isn’t that you’re missing information? What if the reason is that process just takes longer than you’d prefer?

What if you’ve already identified the habits that would help you, but you just don’t like how repetitive they are, or how ordinary they are, or how long it takes for those small habits to add up to something that’s more plainly visible? So think about it. If I told you there was a new supplement, a new app, or a new program that would finally solve your problems, that would be exciting. But what if I told you the answer was to keep eating your protein, keep going for your walks, keep planning your meals, keep getting your workouts in, and then keep doing those for months and years. That is not nearly as exciting.

But here’s the thing. Excitement and effectiveness, they are not the same thing. And I think many of us get stuck there. We’re searching for something better while overlooking what’s already working. And again, not because it’s wrong or ineffective, but because it’s slower, simpler, and less dramatic than we’d like it to be. And sometimes the thing standing between you and the result you want is not another answer. Sometimes it’s the willingness to keep doing the answer you’ve already found.

Now, one other thing I want to point out here. I want to make sure I make an important distinction because I don’t want you to hear this and think that you should never change course, no matter what. Sometimes adjustments are absolutely appropriate. Sometimes something genuinely is not working. And sometimes you learn new information that really matters and a different strategy is necessary. And that is not what we’re talking about here. What we’re talking about is the difference between optimization and avoidance.

So, optimization looks like, okay, I’ve gathered some evidence. I’ve given this a fair shot. I’ve learned something, and based on all of that information, an adjustment makes sense. Avoidance, on the other hand, that sounds different. So avoidance sounds like this is taking longer than I wanted. This feels uncomfortable. I’m not seeing results fast enough. I don’t know if this is working. And instead of sitting with those feelings, we immediately go looking for a new plan. So, optimization comes from evidence. Avoidance comes from discomfort. And admittedly, it can be hard to tell the difference, which is why I think one of the most useful questions you can ask yourself is this.

Am I changing course because I’ve learned something, or am I trying to escape the discomfort of uncertainty? Because if we’re being really honest, sometimes the urge to change direction has very little to do with the plan itself. Sometimes the real issue is that we’re just tired of waiting. We’re tired of being patient or not having proof or wondering whether our effort is going to pay off. And those feelings are completely normal, but those feelings are not necessarily evidence that you need to start a new strategy.

In fact, some of the best decisions I’ve made in my own life and some of the biggest transformation I’ve seen clients create, those happened because someone stayed with a good plan long enough to see what it could really do. Not forever and not blindly, but long enough to collect real evidence because there is a big difference between making an intentional adjustment versus constantly abandoning yourself. And if you can learn to tell the difference, you’ll save yourself a lot of unnecessary frustration.

So now, if you’re listening to this and wondering, okay, so what do I do when I catch myself starting to look for the next thing? Here is what I want to offer you. Here are a few questions to consider. So first, ask yourself, what evidence do I actually have that this isn’t working? And notice I didn’t ask whether you feel like it isn’t working. I asked what evidence you have because those are not always the same thing. This is where my client got stuck for a while. The scale wasn’t moving as quickly as she wanted. So, her brain kept assuming something was wrong. But when we looked at the bigger picture, there was actually quite a bit of evidence that things were changing. Her eating habits were different. Her awareness around food, hunger, and fullness, that was changing. Her consistency was changing. Some of her clothes were fitting differently. So for her, the evidence and the conclusion weren’t actually matching up.

So, before you go searching for another answer, ask yourself, what evidence do I have that this isn’t working? The second question to consider is, have I actually given this enough time? And I know that is not a very exciting question. None of us want the answer to be more time, okay? I totally get that. But sometimes that is the honest truth. Sometimes the problem isn’t that you’ve chosen the wrong path. Sometimes it’s just that you’re in the boring, uncomfortable, messy middle. That’s the part where you’re putting in effort, but the result hasn’t fully shown up yet. And I want you to get very honest with yourself about whether you’re giving yourself enough time for real change to happen.

And you can even think of it this way. Think of how long you’ve had the habit you’re trying to change, or how long you’ve been at your current weight, or how long you’ve been inactive and not exercising. And then think about how long you’ve been working on changing it. I use this example all the time. If you have been eating a certain way for years, three or four or even eight weeks of paying attention to your fiber and protein and veggie intake, that is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. We are talking years versus weeks here, and these things do not happen quickly, okay?

And then one other question that I actually think is the most important of all is this one. Am I looking for a better strategy or am I looking for reassurance? Because those are not the same thing. You can look at it this way. A better strategy solves a problem. Reassurance solves a feeling. And if we’re not careful, we can spend months or even years looking for answers when what we’re really looking for is reassurance and relief from uncertainty. We want someone to tell us we’re on the right track. We want proof that our effort is going to pay off. We want a guarantee before we’re willing to keep going. But most meaningful change does not come with a guarantee.

At some point, every one of us has to decide whether we’re willing to keep going before we have all the proof we’d like to have. And I think that’s where the real growth happens. The growth doesn’t happen when you find the perfect answer because there isn’t one. The growth and the change, that happens when you stop insisting on certainty before you’re willing to continue. And you keep showing up and doing the work for as long as it takes.

So, as we wrap up, I want you to think about an area of your life where you’ve been searching. Maybe it’s your health or your career or a habit you’re trying to change, or maybe it’s something else entirely. And just consider this possibility. What if you’re not as far away as you think you are? What if the answer is not hidden? What if there isn’t a missing piece? And what if you’ve been so focused on finding the next thing that you’ve overlooked the progress that’s already happening?

Sometimes growth does not look the way we expect it to. In fact, most times it doesn’t. Sometimes it shows up in a very subtle way, like a different choice or a different reaction than usual, a little more consistency, a little more awareness. So it’s small, but it’s important. But you’ll only see it if you’re really looking for it. And maybe that’s the reminder here. Maybe before you go looking for another answer, take a minute to look at the one you’ve already got right in front of you. You might discover that what you’ve been looking for actually isn’t something new at all. It’s just a clearer view of what’s already there.

And if you want help with this, let’s go. When you coach with me, we figure out where to focus your energy so you can stop spinning your wheels and start making real progress. Check out my website, send me a message at www.CarrieHollandMD.com/contact, and let’s talk about how coaching will help you stop looking for the missing piece and keep building on what’s already working. Thank you again for hanging out with me and I’ll catch you again next week.

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Thank you for listening to the Strong Is a Mindset podcast. If you want to learn more about how to build both a strong mind and a strong body by eating, moving, and most importantly, thinking, check out CarrieHollandMD.com.