Ep #171: More Isn’t Always Better: How to Feel Like You’re Enough

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, Episode #171. Today, we’re talking about the paradox of enough, why doing more doesn’t always give you better, and how learning sufficiency might be the strongest choice you can make. If you’ve ever ended the day completely exhausted, but still told yourself you should have done more, this one’s for you.

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, where you’ll learn how to build both a strong body and a strong mind by eating, moving, and thinking. I’m your host Physician, Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach and Certified Life Coach, Carrie Holland. 

Hey, how are you? What’s new? What’s good? So, what’s good here? Well, today, we’re going to talk about the idea of enough, the idea of sufficiency. Most of the women I coach think the problem is that they are not doing enough, that they should be working harder, eating cleaner, exercising more, or just showing up better, and doing all of that on four hours of sleep. And they are so very hard on themselves. And even when they do put in effort, they cut themselves down and tell themselves and me that it’s not enough. So they’ll tell me things like, “I should be more disciplined. I only worked out twice this week. I need to be doing more. Or, I didn’t get enough done this weekend.”

And maybe you’ve said the same things to yourself. Maybe, at the end of a super long day, where you worked, took care of your family, juggled the after school shuffle and dinner, and still folded a load of laundry, at the end of all that, instead of giving yourself credit for it, you laser in on the one thing you didn’t check off your to do list. And you dismiss the fact that you even showed up at all. And that right there is the trap. So, if you don’t see it, let me spell it out for you. The real problem is not that you’re not doing enough. The real problem is that you don’t know when enough is actually enough.

So, if you can relate to feeling completely wiped out and running around like a crazy person, but still thinking to yourself, I should have done more, this episode is for you. So today, we’re going to break down sufficiency and how you can help yourself get off the hamster wheel, define what is truly enough, and finally let yourself believe it. And that last piece, actually believing it, is key. Because here’s the thing. This is not just your personal quirk or a little voice in your head that we’re talking about here. Insufficiency is baked into how we live. We have been taught that more is always better. More hours, more effort, more output, more praise. And for women, especially, that means more hats to wear, more people to take care of, and more responsibilities overall.

So, it’s no wonder that slowing down or even stopping feels super uncomfortable. And it’s also no wonder you’re left thinking that you’re not doing enough, even when you’re running yourself into the ground. So, why does this even happen? Why does the whole idea of enough feel impossible? Well, culturally, we have been marinated in hustle. From the time we were kids, we have been sold the idea that productivity is the ultimate proof of your value. Think about it.

Good grades get you praise. Gold stars mean you’re doing it right. You learn early on that if you want recognition, you’d better keep churning and keep producing. And that does not go away when you grow up and become an adult. Instead, it just morphs into promotions, titles, pay raises, bigger houses, nicer cars, and fancy vacations. And all of this sends your brain the message, worth equals output. So, if you’re not constantly producing, you are falling behind.

And that’s when rest starts to feel dangerous, like you’re wasting your time. So, taking even a brief pause, it feels like you’re being flat out lazy. And that belief runs so deep that for many women, even the idea of enough feels totally foreign. It’s like something other people might be able to get away with, but not you. And add to that the added pressure of social media, where it’s a highlight reel of people doing and showcasing more, more workouts, more promotions, more trips, more perfectly packed lunches for their kids. And when you start scrolling through all of that, of course, it feels safe to slow down, because that doom scrolling is giving you all kinds of evidence that everyone else is doing more, so you’d better pony up and do more, too.

And if you’re an overachiever, which I’m guessing many of you listening are, then proving yourself becomes a way of life. And that’s where doing more is way more than just a habit. It’s your identity. It’s who you are. More. And that feels like protection. If you’re always doing more, no one can accuse you of slacking. And with time, more becomes like an insurance against failure or proof that you deserve to be where you are. And here’s the kicker. Your brain does not help your cause. Your brain is wired to move the goalpost.

So that means you get the promotion and after a few weeks, you’re already thinking about the next title. Or you run the race and now it has to be faster or longer next time. Or you lose 10 pounds that you were aiming for, and now it’s got to be 15. And it’s your brain. Your brain will always find what’s missing, what you didn’t do, and what could be better, and then wave it in your face.

And that’s where this gets dangerous, because when you are constantly declaring that what you do is never enough, it’s not just about your to do list anymore. It’s about you. If nothing you do is ever enough, eventually, you start to believe that you are not enough. And why does this happen? Well, your brain likes to take the external and make it internal. Meaning, when you minimize your wins by saying something like, I only worked out twice, your brain does not separate that from your identity. It doesn’t say, oh, wait a minute, she only means her workouts. No. Your brain generalizes and makes this a global assessment. And it turns, I didn’t do enough, into I am not enough.

And that belief, I am not enough, it is crushing. It keeps you hustling for sure, because the only way you know how to fight it is to keep producing. It keeps you chasing in the hope that maybe the next accomplishment will finally fix the way you feel. But here’s the truth, it won’t. And that’s why enough matters so much. Because until you redefine it for yourself, you will just keep running yourself into the ground trying to prove something that can’t be proven because you don’t believe it.

And here’s the irony. Most of us believe that if we just add more, more effort, more hours, more restriction, more reps, or more miles, we’ll finally get to that elusive place where we feel satisfied. But what actually happens is that pursuit of more often ends up giving you less. So I’ve got a number of examples of this. I have a client who is an athlete, triathlons, Iron Mans, marathons, the whole deal. So for her, being active is not just something she does. It is part of who she is. And then, she got injured. But instead of slowing down, she doubled down and kept training through the pain because in her mind, rest was equivalent to weakness, and pulling back meant that she wasn’t doing enough. And you can probably guess what happened here. She broke herself down even further. She pushed so hard that she ended up not being able to exercise at all, like zero, nothing.

And for someone whose identity is built on being an athlete, not being able to exercise or do any movement at all can be totally devastating, as it was for her. And in this case, more training gave her less movement. And the harder she pushed, the more she hurt, and the longer she had to stop. So more, in this case, was most definitely backfiring. I have another client who is insanely successful in her career. She has earned herself loads of titles and promotions and recognition, all of it. And from the outside looking in, it looks like she’s killing it. But what you don’t see is the cost. She gets up at the crack of dawn to get her day started, and she’s out of the house before her kids even wake up.

She’s often at work late and has to hurry home to see her kids for a few minutes before she crashes. And when work gets especially stressful, which it often does, her workouts are the first thing to go. Healthy meals get exchanged for takeout. She’s making a big paycheck, sure, but most often, she runs on fumes until she hits a wall, at which point she swings into overcorrection, where she’s being super strict with her diet and following a rigid and unsustainable workout schedule, only until she burns out again. It is a vicious cycle that we are working really hard to unpack.

So, even though on paper, she has more prestige, more power, more money, in reality, she has less of herself, less peace, less health, less time to breathe. And I get it because I have done this too. When I left medicine, my goal was to start a coaching practice, and I did. Then, my goal was to fill my coaching practice. I did. Then, my goal was to start doing more speaking. And I did. But in that process, here’s what also happened. I started scheduling clients back to back to back with zero breaks and no lunches. I scheduled people into times that I had blocked so I could write. I squeezed in sessions on days I was supposed to be off. And ultimately, I worked myself right back into the burnout that I thought I left behind in family medicine. And like my clients, I was hitting all the goals, more, more of everything. And also like my clients, I wasn’t satisfied. I was exhausted. And underneath it all, I carried a constant fear that if I slowed down, everything I built would collapse. And what I showed myself was that more did not give me better, it just gave me burnout, once again.

And if you have ever fallen prey to this idea of more, here is how more backfires in every which way. So, in your body, more workouts, more miles, more weight on the bar, that all adds up. And without recovery, which so many of my clients do not recover, that can lead to injury, fatigue, and setbacks. Pushing your body too hard can leave you injured and sidelined, just like it did with my super athletic Iron Man client. More can also backfire on your wellness. So think about it this way. More restriction, more rules, more clean eating, all of that can backfire and turn into cravings, binges, and some serious shame spirals. Because the tighter you grip to something that is unsustainable and unrealistic, the harder you will fall once you let go.

And more can also backfire in your career. More projects, more roles, more hours. That all may sound great and give you external recognition, but too much strips away your capacity for self care, for joy, and for being present. So, you might gain power and money and prestige, but you lose yourself. And here’s a big takeaway that I want you to hear. Your brain equates more with control. More feels like the way to guarantee your results and prove you’re enough. But the truth is, more often puts you in conflict with your body, your values, and especially your sanity. More often takes you away from what you actually want. And the worst part, constantly chasing more keeps you on a hamster wheel because every time you add more and it doesn’t work, you assume the answer is even more. So you push harder, tighten up your rules, and squeeze yourself thinner and thinner, and all you get is more of the same misery, muddied by the idea that if you only pushed harder and do a little more, then everything would be all right.

So at some point, you have to ask, this pursuit of more, what is it and at what cost? Because if chasing more is actually giving you less, less health, less peace, less joy, then maybe it’s not working. And here is where this gets really sneaky, because more doesn’t just backfire in your schedule or your workouts or your nutrition, it also backfires in your identity. So here’s what I mean by this. For most overachievers, effort equals worth. You have been conditioned to believe that the harder you work, the more valuable you are. So, if you’re not constantly pushing, constantly producing, or constantly proving, you might feel like you’re falling short.

And when that belief becomes your operating system, stopping feels unsafe. Rest feels like weakness, and doing enough feels like quitting. So really stop and think about that for a second. If your whole life to this point has taught you that worth comes from output, then it makes total sense that stillness would feel threatening. So of course, slowing down would feel like you’re doing something wrong. I see this all the time in my clients, and honestly, I’ve lived it myself.

If my client takes a rest day, her brain screams, you’re falling behind. If she says no to a project, her brain says, oh, but you’re not pulling your weight and you’re going to lose out on that promotion. And if she actually lets herself stop at enough, her brain immediately jumps in with, you’re settling, you’re being lazy. It is a really nasty system of self talk that becomes a fast track to full on burnout. And maybe this resonates with you. Maybe you cannot remember the last time you actually rested without guilt. Or the last time you sat on the couch without pulling out your phone or laptop to catch up. Or the last time you finished a workout and thought, that’s good, instead of, I should have pushed harder.

And that’s what happens when effort equals worth. Your brain wires itself to believe that if you stop pushing, you lose your edge. You’ll lose your identity. You’ll be exposed. And here’s the part that’s really hard to admit. Doing enough feels like quitting because deep down, you don’t trust that who you are without all that extra proving is already valuable. So let me say that again. When you believe your worth is tied to your effort, you stop trusting yourself. You stop trusting that you’re inherently enough. So, you compensate. You overdeliver. You overtrain. You over schedule because the alternative, just being, is unbearable.

And that is why enough feels so uncomfortable. It is not about the workouts or the to do list or the titles or the projects, it’s about your identity. And in this case, resting is not just resting, it’s putting your worth on the line. And that is scary, like really, really scary. But here’s the truth. Stopping is not quitting. Rest is not weakness. Letting something be enough, it is not laziness. Declaring enough is actually a radical act of self trust. It’s trusting that you don’t have to prove yourself every minute of every day in order to deserve to exist.

And I will admit that I was sweating when I was writing this out. I feel like I am fully exposing myself here because this right here is my hidden narrative that I guess is not so hidden anymore. This is me. This is my fear. It is the fear that if I slow down that everything I’ve built and all that I am is going to fall out from under me. And so, I push harder. And I know I’m not alone. I see it. It shows up in the way you talk to yourself, when you say things like, I should be doing more. I only worked out twice this week. I didn’t get X, Y, Z done. That language is subtle, but it’s powerful. And all of those shoulds that you don’t think twice about saying, they all pile on the pressure. Only dismisses what you actually accomplished, and focusing on what you didn’t do takes away from everything that you did do.

So every time you say those things, you slowly but surely tear yourself down and minimize your own effort. And here’s a kicker. Your brain doesn’t keep those negative thoughts compartmentalized. It doesn’t say, oh, she’s just talking about her workouts, or she only means today’s to do list. No. Your brain generalizes. It takes, I didn’t do enough, and quietly morphs that into I am not enough. And that’s a trap. You start by minimizing your actions, and then before you know it, you’re minimizing yourself. And then, that’s where the shame creeps in.

So shame doesn’t say something like, you didn’t finish the report. Shame says, you’re the kind of loser who doesn’t finish anything. You are the problem. That’s what shame says. And it shifts from what you did or didn’t do to who you are. And that’s where it gets really ugly. Because once shame takes hold, that fuels the cycle. Because the only way you know how to fight it is by doing more. Push harder, hustle harder. And I see it in my clients all the time. They are accomplished, smart women, but despite this, they can’t stop hearing their inner voice telling them you are still not enough.

They think that maybe if they add another workout or one more committee or one more project, they will silence that inner mean voice, but it never works. That is the identity trap. When your effort equals your worth, you never arrive at done because no amount of doing will ever be enough to prove your being. That is why sufficiency matters so much. It’s not about settling, it’s about detaching your worth from your effort. It’s about recognizing that what you did is enough and that you are enough.

So if the trap then is that effort equals worth, what is your way out? Well, the way out is to redefine what enough means. And let me be super clear here. Enough is not settling. It is not laziness. It’s not giving up on yourself. But be ready because that is exactly the story your brain’s going to feed you because it thinks the only way to keep you safe is to keep you hustling. So, declaring enough really is a radical act of self trust. Enough means you saying, I believe that what I did today matters and that my small steps add up. I trust that my value does not depend on me proving anything to anyone.

And then, think about what that really means. It means you stop measuring your worth in calories burned or boxes checked or hours logged or miles run. It means you look at the one thing you did today, whether it was a walk you took at lunch or the dinner that you cooked at home instead of ordering out or the boundary that you set at work. And instead of brushing that off as not enough and ripping yourself apart for it, you let that be a win. So enough means acknowledging your effort instead of dismissing it or ripping it to shreds. And enough is also deciding that the 80% you gave on a hard day still counts, if for no other reason than it kept you moving forward.

And here’s the other thing about redefining enough that is super powerful. Enough shifts the focus from what is missing to what is present. It moves the focus from lack to sufficiency. And when you let yourself call it enough and actually believe it, you give yourself space for being satisfied without having to push harder. And that’s what makes you declaring your enoughness so radical. Because in a world that is constantly telling you to do more, be more, go hard or go home, choosing to stop and say, this is enough, that is defiance. It’s a declaration that you’re already worthy without the endless hustle that runs you into the ground.

And this here is where permission comes in. For many of my clients, the hardest part of sufficiency is not the action, it’s permission. Many of them don’t even consider giving themselves permission to let small be enough. Their brains are wired to believe that if it isn’t perfect, if it’s not big, it’s pointless. And when that is your operating belief, you never get to feel satisfied. So, we have to practice permission. That means permission to do a 15 minute workout instead of 30. Permission to grab a salad from the salad bar instead of meal prepping six tupperware perfect lunches. Permission to close your laptop at 6 p.m. instead of pushing until midnight. And none of those choices mean you don’t care. They just mean you’re choosing sufficiency over self destruction.

And here’s the reframe that will help you do this. Small does not equal insignificant. Small is how change actually happens. One skipped soda, one early bedtime, one salad, one no to a committee that you don’t actually want to be a part of, that’s it. Small acts, that is how your sufficiency builds. And to be clear, this also takes bravery. Because this will most definitely feel uncomfortable at first. Your brain will freak out on you. It will want to shame you back into hustle mode. And that is normal because that’s what our brains do. But when you practice sufficiency, that’s when you answer back. Really, it’s having your own back. And that’s when you start practicing self talk that sounds more confident, where it sounds like, I decide what’s enough. Not my boss, or the scale, or my to do list, or anything else for that matter. Me. That is where your agency comes in. That is sufficiency.

All right. So now that we’ve fleshed this out, let’s talk about how you actually practice sufficiency, especially when your brain is doing everything it can to convince you that what you’re doing is not enough. So, how do you train yourself to believe that what you did is, in fact, enough? Well, first, make some decisions in advance. Decide ahead of time what enough looks like for you in eating, moving, and of course, thinking. And really what you’re doing is creating your minimum standard. And your minimum standard is your floor, not your ceiling. So, maybe that means for eating, your enough line is I have one protein and one veggie at every dinner. And if you do that, that is enough. And you don’t have to produce a 17-step meal plan to prove yourself. Or, maybe for moving, your enough line could be, I will move my body three times this week, even if it’s only 10 to 15 minutes. And if you reach that, you did enough. Or for thinking, maybe it’s I’ll shut my laptop down at 6 p.m. three nights this week and let that be enough.

And the point here is not to aim low. Remember, you’re not lowering your standards, you’re lowering your entry point. You’re giving yourself a goal that is reachable instead of setting the bar so impossibly high, there’s no way you can hit your target. So you’re giving yourself a clear, reachable finish line that you can actually cross. Because without one, your brain will just keep moving the goal post and you will never feel done. All right? 

So, another tool you’ve got to help you practice sufficiency is a checkpoint. So, whenever you feel the pull to dismiss your effort, try running it through this filter. Ask yourself, if I repeated today every day for a year, would I respect where it takes me? So I really, really love this question because it zooms out and takes you out of the all or nothing trap. Because one skipped workout won’t derail you, but a full year of never moving your body might. One day of imperfect eating, it will not matter, but a year of never planning a meal will. And on the flip side, one short walk, one salad, one boundary. Take that one thing and repeat it over and over, and that adds up to huge change. So, this sufficiency check helps you see that enough is not at all about one perfect day. Instead, it’s about small, sustainable patterns repeated over time that you can live with and that move you forward.

All right? So next, another tool that you’ve got to help you with sufficiency is your mental rehearsal. So I talk about this with clients all the time. And basically, what this boils down to is that you’ve got to be ready for your brain to wig out on you. So that means I don’t want you to be surprised or caught off guard when your inner critic gets super loud and starts shouting, you’re not doing enough. I want you to expect it, be ready for it, and plan for it. And here’s how you can do that. You picture the situation in advance. So, imagine you’ve got a super crazy evening with work and the kids shuffle. You finish a short workout instead of your usual 45 minutes. You grab a salad bar dinner instead of cooking at home. You check three things off your to do list instead of 10 that you planned. And then you’re finally shutting down for the night, and imagine what your brain will do.

So, most likely, it will offer up something like, that wasn’t good enough. You should have done more. You stink. But now, instead of going down that road, when you practice a mental rehearsal, you are ready for this to happen. And instead of agreeing with yourself, which takes you even farther down a shame spiral, now, you’ve already practiced and decided ahead of time how you will answer. And maybe that answer looks like, this is what I did and this is enough. Or maybe it’s I did my best with what I had today. Or maybe it’s I’m going to show up and keep rolling tomorrow and this is okay. Whatever it is, the idea here is to rehearse your response so that when the negative self talk creeps up, and it most certainly will, you’re ready. And you don’t have to argue or spiral. You just answer back with the truth.

All right? And then one other tool I want to offer you is a pause. So, this one, admittedly, is uncomfortable, but it’s actually pretty powerful. So here’s how it works. When you feel the inevitable urge to keep pushing, you practice stopping on purpose. So, that means you take a pause before you send one more work email. You pause before you add on another mile to your run. You check in with yourself before rewriting that presentation for the fifth time. And in that pause, you ask yourself this question, what would it be like to stop here and let this be enough? I know. And I said it, but this one is definitely uncomfortable.

Many of you don’t like to slow down, let alone pause or ask yourself these kinds of questions. But really think about that one for a second. What would it feel like to stop here and let this be enough? Because quite honestly, most of the time, nothing bad happens. Meaning, the world does not fall apart. No one comes knocking on your door to take your titles away from you because you didn’t stay up late and write another email. You don’t suddenly lose all your cardiovascular fitness if you walk for 10 minutes instead of run for 30. Nothing horrible happens. In fact, what does happen is that every time you practice this, you teach your brain an important lesson, that stopping is in fact safe, and that enough does not equal failure.

And here’s what ties all of these tools together. Agency. Each of these tools is about you deciding what is enough. You draw the line. You set the standard. You answer your brain. And you give yourself permission. That is what makes this so powerful. Because when you are so bold as to declare what’s enough, you stop outsourcing your worth to your to do list or your boss or your scale or your social media feed. And that, right there, that is extremely liberating. And here’s something else I want to add. Most women do not come to sufficiency willingly. Most women don’t just wake up one morning and think, hey, you know what? I think I’m going to just start trusting myself today. No.

Usually, sufficiency happens after they hit a legit wall. I have seen this play out over and over again. The triathlete who pushed through her injury until she literally could not exercise at all. The professional who said yes to so many projects and roles at work that she had absolutely nothing left for her family or her health. The woman who over restricted her food until she ended up binging and feeling 10 times worse. Each of them, in one way or another, believed that more was the answer until more was what finally broke them. And maybe you’ve been there, too. Maybe you’ve gotten sick or burned out or injured after pushing and pushing, and only then did you stop. Maybe you found yourself staring at the ceiling at 2:00 a.m., exhausted, but also wired, wondering how much longer you can keep running on fumes, while simultaneously wondering how you’re going to get through your endless to-do list in the day ahead.

So that moment, when you’ve done all the more you can possibly do and it still isn’t enough, that’s when you hit your turning point. That is when sufficiency stops sounding like a nice frill and becomes a necessity. Because here is the really hard truth. Here’s the reality. You cannot out hustle the belief that you’re not enough. Really hear that. You cannot out hustle your belief that you’re not enough. No amount of proving will fix that for you. The only way out of not enough is to stop moving your goalpost. The way out is to intentionally choose sufficiency. And I want you to hear this loud and clear, too.

Sometimes, the bravest, strongest thing you can do is stop. For real. So sometimes, being strong looks like saying no. Sometimes, it looks like taking a rest. Sometimes, it looks like calling what you did enough, even when your brain is freaking out on you to do more. And when you declare and really believe that you are enough, that is when everything shifts. Because when you can stand tall in that discomfort and say, this is enough, I am enough, you are no longer trapped by the endless pursuit of more. You’ve stepped off the hamster wheel and you’ve broken the cycle. You are standing firm and standing still in who you are.

So, here’s what I want to leave you with today. Strong women do not prove themselves by endlessly piling on more. They don’t measure their worth by how many boxes they can check, or how many calories they can burn, or how many hours they can grind without sleep. Strong women prove themselves by knowing when to stop, by choosing sufficiency, by saying, this is what I did and it is enough. And if that makes you cringe, or if that feels uncomfortable, good. That means you’re doing it right, and it means you’re breaking a pattern. That means you’re rewriting the belief that your effort equals your worth.

So, here’s your challenge this week. Pick an area, eating, moving, or thinking, and deliberately practice sufficiency. Decide ahead of time what enough looks like, and then be so brave as to let yourself stop there. Say it out loud to yourself if you have to. This is what I did and it is enough. Then, notice how your brain wants to argue with you because it will definitely want to argue with you, and practice answering it back. Because remember, more isn’t always better. Sometimes, more is what burns you out, breaks you down, or steals your joy. And sometimes, enough is the strongest, bravest choice you can make.

And if you want help with this, if you’re tired of running on the hamster wheel of never enough, let’s talk. This is the work I do every day with my clients, helping smart, capable women finally feel satisfied in their bodies, their habits, and their lives. Head to my website, check out www.CarrieHollandMD.com/contact and let’s talk about how coaching can help you redefine what’s enough. All right? Thank you again for hanging out with me and I’ll catch you again next week.

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You’ll also find strength training tips to help you train smarter and see real results. My goal is to help you get strong and this strength-training guide will help you do it. Go to CarrieHollandMD.com/build strength and check it out.

Thank you for listening to the Strong Is a Mindset podcast. If you want to learn more about how to build both a strong mind and a strong body by eating, moving, and most importantly, thinking, check out CarrieHollandMD.com.