Ep #207: When Everything Feels Like an Obligation

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, Episode #207. If you’ve ever said yes to something you didn’t actually want to do because you felt like you should, let’s talk about it.

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, where you’ll learn how to build both a strong body and a strong mind by eating, moving, and thinking. I’m your host Physician, Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach and Certified Life Coach, Carrie Holland. 

Hey, how are you? What’s new? What’s good? So, what’s good here? Well, I just finished coaching middle school track season. And while it was a lot of fun and a lot of learning, I am a little tired. I think actually everyone was tired. The kids were tired, the coaches were tired, the parents were tired. Some of these track meets were four or more hours long, and there were a lot of them. So it was a bit of a haul. And towards the end, it felt like we were all crawling toward the finish line, but we did it.

And then, as I was looking forward to the season ending, another event got added to the calendar. This was nothing huge, just an end of season bonfire for the coaches. Just the coaches and their families. A totally normal thing, right? Not a big deal. However, my immediate reaction was, I can’t. I do not want to go. Like not even a little bit. And it’s not because I didn’t like the company, not at all. It was because I wanted to sit on my couch. I wanted to be home. I wanted one less thing on my calendar.

And then, almost immediately after that reaction, my brain started doing something interesting that I think you might be able to relate to. The dialogue went from I don’t want to go to, well, should I go? Aren’t I supposed to go? Am I a horrible person if I don’t go? Am I letting people down? What will people think? And suddenly, what started as a really simple preference to stay home became a much bigger, much more loaded, more complicated internal negotiation. It was this intense combination of feeling trapped and pressured and resentful all at once. And that’s what really stuck with me. It’s what I’ve been thinking about, and that is what’s fueling this week’s podcast.

Because if I’m being honest, this was not really about the bonfire at all. The bonfire was just the most recent example of something I see all the time, not just in myself, but in the women I coach too. And that is, we have a preference. We know what we want. Sometimes we know it immediately, like with zero hesitation. But instead of letting that preference matter, and instead of letting that be the thing we act on, we immediately start running it through the filter of what will everyone else think? What does everyone else want? What is expected of me here? What’s the polite thing to do? What’s responsible? What’s nice?

And when we do that, and especially when we repeatedly do that, we are no longer asking ourselves what we want. That pretty much gets worked out of the equation entirely. And instead, we end up asking ourselves what we’re supposed to do. And that’s really where I want to go today. Because I don’t actually think most women struggle because they don’t know how to make a decision. I think a lot of women struggle because they’ve been so busy saying yes to things they don’t really want to say yes to, but think they’re supposed to, that they have disconnected from their own authority. They’ve gotten so used to feeling obligated that they forget that they actually have a say in their own lives.

And that feeling of obligation can be super strong. It can be powerful enough that a simple invitation feels mandatory. It can be powerful enough that something completely optional starts feeling like a requirement. And I think most of us do this way more often than we realize. And I think one of the reasons this happens is because we’ve gotten a little blurry with our categories here, meaning we treat a lot of different things as if they’re the same when they’re actually not. So for example, an invitation is not the same thing as an expectation. And an expectation is not the same thing as an obligation.

So what’s the difference here? An invitation is simply an opportunity. Someone asks, someone invites you to something. You decide. That’s it. An expectation is a little different. That’s when there’s some social pressure attached to the request. So maybe people hope you’ll come. Maybe they’d prefer that you say yes. Maybe there’s a sense that this is what most people would do. But even then, an expectation is not automatically an obligation. And an obligation is also different. An obligation is something you’ve actually committed to. It’s a responsibility you’ve agreed to take on, either explicitly or implicitly. So maybe you promised you’d be there, or maybe it’s part of a role you’ve chosen to take on, or maybe it’s a commitment you made because it aligns with your values and the kind of person you want to be.

So obligations are real, and they matter, but they also are much narrower than most of us think. Meaning, not everything that someone wants from you is an obligation. Not everything that would make someone happy is an obligation. And not everything that feels uncomfortable to say no to is an obligation. I really want you to hear that. That is where so much of the confusion starts, because once we blur invitations, expectations, and obligations all together into one, that’s when it’s so easy to lose sight of the fact that you still have a choice.

And before I go any further, I want to be clear about something. Relationships naturally come with expectations. They come with responsibilities. They come with times where people need things from us. That is part of being a human in relationship with another human being. So as an example, my clients need things from me. My kids need things from me. My husband needs things from me. My friends need things from me. And I need things from them too. That’s normal. That’s healthy. That’s part of being connected to other people.

So I’m not suggesting that we should just move through our lives refusing every request or acting like nobody is allowed to expect anything from us. That is not the point. The point is that just because someone wants something from you, it doesn’t automatically mean that you are required to provide it. And just because something is expected, doesn’t mean it has to happen. And just because you could do something, it doesn’t mean you should or that you have to. Those are different. But somewhere along the way, many of us blurred them all into one. And as a result, we start treating requests as requirements. So someone asks us to volunteer, we feel obligated. Someone wants us at an event, we feel obligated. Someone might be disappointed if we say no, we feel obligated. And after a while, everything starts to feel mandatory. Everything starts to feel like something we have to do.

And when you operate that way, your life starts feeling super heavy because now you’re taking on things that may not have been yours to carry in the first place. And once you start looking for that evidence of obligation, you will see it everywhere. You’ll see it in volunteering, school events, family gatherings, helping friends, taking on extra work, answering your texts immediately, being available all the time. It’s everywhere.

And you know what’s interesting? Most of the time, nobody is actually forcing us to do these things. Nobody is standing over us demanding that we say yes. And yet, it still feels mandatory. Why? Because obligation has a language that is all its own. So maybe you’re familiar with it, and it sounds like, I should, I have to, they need me. It would be selfish not to. What will people think? I can’t say no. I have no choice.

And when those are the thoughts running through your brain, of course, it feels like an obligation, and of course, everything feels mandatory. But if you really slow down and listen to the language, because you know how I feel about your words, something interesting starts to show up. Because when “I choose” becomes “I have to,” something shifts. Or when “I’d like to help” becomes “I guess I have to help,” something shifts. Or when “I could go” becomes “I really should go,” something changes. And what changes is that we stop seeing ourselves as people with choices. And instead, we start seeing ourselves as people with assignments. We become people with obligations. And we start to become people who exist to respond to everyone else’s needs, requests, and expectations first and foremost.

And I think that’s why this can feel so heavy, because when everything becomes an obligation, your life starts to feel like one long to-do list. It’s one more thing, one more commitment, one more place to be, one more person who needs something from you. And eventually, you stop asking yourself a key question. Do I actually want to do this? And now that I just said that, before anyone freaks out, I’m not saying that wanting to do something should be the one and only criteria. There are lots of things I do that I don’t necessarily feel like doing in the moment. I don’t always feel like getting up early or doing paperwork or driving my kids all over Southwest Michigan. But that’s not what we’re talking about.

What I’m talking about is when your preferences and your needs stop mattering all together. When the decision is made before you’ve even considered what you want. Because somewhere along the way, obligation became your default answer. And I think that’s where many women can lose themselves because they’ve spent so long prioritizing everyone else’s expectations that they’ve stopped consulting themselves. And I think this is where we have to talk about the cost of this, because yes, obligation most definitely costs you time, but it also costs you energy. And ultimately, it costs you peace, because it can create serious resentment.

And most of us don’t like admitting we feel that, but honestly, I think it’s often sitting right under the surface. Because here’s what happens. Here’s the cycle. You say yes. You don’t really want to, but you do it anyway. And you show up, you smile through it. You help or volunteer or attend the thing or take on the extra responsibility. You do what feels expected of you. And maybe no one around you even realizes that there was a decision being made, but internally, you feel it, and you’re already paying for it because you’re doing something or being somewhere that you don’t want to be.

And afterward, you feel exhausted or irritated or frustrated or resentful. And then you wonder why life feels so heavy and why everything feels like so much work and why you’re constantly looking for a break and why you’re fantasizing about everyone leaving you alone for a whole five minutes. And I think sometimes we assume the problem is that we’re doing too much. And sometimes that really is the case.

But I think there’s something else going on that I want to highlight. Sometimes the exhaustion isn’t coming from the amount of things that you’ve got piled up. Sometimes it’s coming from the disconnect. Meaning, you’re spending a significant amount of your life doing things you don’t actually want to be doing. And all of that feels very different. Because doing something hard, but it’s something that aligns with your values, that feels one way. Doing something hard that you’ve chosen on purpose, that feels one way. But doing something because you feel trapped or pressured or guilty or obligated, that feels completely different.

That creates tension. You’re physically doing the thing, but mentally you feel a strain. You feel resistance because you don’t want to be there. And that resistance is exhausting. It is exhausting to repeatedly override yourself. It’s exhausting when you keep sending yourself the unconscious message that everyone else’s wants matter more than your own. And eventually, something starts pushing back. That’s where resentment often comes from. Not because you’re selfish, not because you’re a bad person, but because there’s some part of you that knows you’ve been abandoning yourself all in the name of obligation.

And I think that’s why obligation feels the way it does. It’s rarely about one single event. It’s often the accumulation of lots of little things, like saying yes when you meant no, over and over again, until one day, you’re not really mad about a bonfire, you’re just mad about all of it. And now, I want to talk about the thing we don’t talk about very often. I’m going to pull this out. Because when people hear an episode like this, the advice is often pretty straightforward, and it often sounds like just say no, set a boundary, protect your time, prioritize yourself.

And while all of that applies and is certainly true, that is only a very small part of this story. Because if it was as simple as saying no, most of us would have solved this problem already. So the issue isn’t that we don’t know how to say no. The issue is what comes after we say no. Because saying no often comes with feelings, like guilt. And that alone can be a hard stop for many people. There is the yuck of discomfort, disappointing someone, feeling selfish, feeling misunderstood, feeling like you’re not being the nice person. And that is the part we miss.

When someone says, hey, just set a boundary. What they’re often overlooking is that boundaries can feel terrible, at least at first anyway, especially if you have spent years being the one who always says yes, or being the one who always keeps everyone happy. So of course, saying no is going to feel uncomfortable. You’re doing something different and you will feel it. Other people will notice and you will feel it. And I think that’s why so many people stay stuck. Not because they don’t know what they want, but because they don’t want to feel what comes when they actually act on what they want.

And so instead of feeling the guilt or the discomfort, we comply. We go, we volunteer, we help, we take it on. Not because we necessarily want to, but because we’re trying to avoid the discomfort that comes with not doing it. And here’s what I’ve realized, at least for myself lately, and I’m guessing this might apply to you too. A lot of what we call obligation is actually an unwillingness to feel guilt. That’s it. I don’t want people to be disappointed. I don’t want people to think negatively of me. I don’t want to feel selfish. So instead, I ignore everything my gut is telling me and I do the thing. And it’s no good.

But avoiding those feelings comes with a legitimate cost. Because every time I avoid disappointing someone else, I end up disappointing myself. And that has a cost too. It’s a cost that many of us have been paying for years without even realizing it. So then maybe the question actually isn’t, how do I stop feeling guilty? And instead, the question is, am I willing to feel guilty sometimes? Am I willing to feel uncomfortable? Am I willing to disappoint someone? Am I willing to be misunderstood? Because if the answer is no, then obligation will always win out, always. And not because the thing is actually mandatory, but because avoiding those feelings has become more important than honoring what you actually want.

And I think this led me to a realization I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. And that is, many of us spend years, if not decades, trying not to disappoint other people. And in the process, we repeatedly disappoint ourselves. It’s easier to disappoint yourself. It’s just you, right? And you can handle it. And that is true to a point. We absorb the discomfort so someone else doesn’t have to. We carry the guilt so someone else doesn’t feel bad. We override our own preferences to make sure no one is inconvenienced or upset. We talk ourselves out of what we want. And we do it again and again and again, until eventually, we don’t even notice we’re doing it. It just becomes normal.

But here’s the problem with that. Every time you ignore yourself, you’re sending yourself a message. You’re teaching yourself that your wants matter less. Your preferences matter less. And that everyone else gets a vote on how your time and energy are spent before you even have a chance to think about it. And eventually, that catches up with you. That is how you write yourself out of your own life. And that does not feel good.

Okay, so if you’re hearing yourself in any of this, I want to offer you something simple to start managing it. I want to offer you a simple question. Not an easy question, but a simple one. So the next time you’re trying to decide whether to do something, pause for a second and consider this. If nobody was disappointed, or if nobody judged me, or if nobody had an opinion about this, what would I choose? And then, really think about your answer. Because honestly, I think for many women, the answer will come surprisingly fast. Meaning, you know. You know whether you want to go. You know whether you want to volunteer. You know whether you want to take on the extra thing. You know.

The problem is usually not a lack of clarity. It’s everything that gets layered on top of that clarity, like the guilt, the expectations, the fear of disappointing people, the fear of looking selfish. And so with that, here’s another question you can ask yourself. Am I doing this because I genuinely want to? Or am I doing it because I’m afraid of what happens if I don’t? That is the money question right there. That is most often where your truth lives. Because those are two very different reasons to do the exact same thing. One comes from choice. The other comes from fear. So one feels aligned and the other feels like an obligation.

And the reason this matters is because I’m not actually trying to convince you to say no. I want to be really clear on that. Ultimately, you may decide to do the thing. You may decide to go to the event or help or show up. But I think it’s worth knowing why you’re making that decision. Because there is a very big difference between I don’t really want to go, but I’m choosing to because this relationship matters to me, versus, I don’t want to go, but I feel like I have to. Those may look the same from the outside, but they will feel very different on the inside. One feels like a choice, the other feels like force.

And I think that’s an important distinction because after listening to this, I don’t want anyone walking away thinking the answer is to start saying no to everything. That’s not what I’m suggesting. Because not all obligations are bad, not all obligations are draining, and not all obligations create resentment. There are plenty of things in my life that require time, energy, effort, and sacrifice that I don’t resent at all. Like showing up for my clients, or coaching middle school track, or spending time with my kids carting them all over the place. Those things take energy, they’re not always convenient, and there are certainly days when I don’t feel like doing them. But they feel different because they’re aligned with the kind of person I want to be. They matter to me and they reflect what I value.

And because of that, making choices to do those things does not feel as heavy or daunting or as loaded as some of the other obligations I’ve encountered. So these are responsibilities I’ve consciously chosen because they matter. Now compare that to something you do primarily because you’re worried about what people will think if you don’t. That is different. That’s where obligation starts becoming performative. Meaning, you’re not necessarily doing it because the thing itself matters to you. You’re doing it because you’re trying to protect an identity.

Maybe you’re trying to be seen as a good daughter, a good friend, a good teammate, a good employee, a good person. And here’s what’s tricky. From the outside, those two situations can look identical. In both cases, you show up. In both cases, you help. In both cases, you say yes. But internally, they are completely different experiences. Because one feels chosen and the other feels required of you. One feels aligned, the other feels performative. One expands your life, the other drains it.

So that is why this conversation matters. The goal is not to eliminate obligations. The goal is to be more intentional about which obligations you choose to take on. And maybe to notice when you’re saying yes to protect your image instead of because it genuinely matters to you. Because those are the obligations that create the most resentment. Because somewhere deep inside you, you know you’re not really doing it for the reason you think you are. And I think that’s what this really comes down to. Authority. Not authority over other people, authority over your own life. That really is my goal for you.

It was my goal for me when I started on this whole self improvement journey. And now that I feel I have authority over myself, I want everyone else to have it too because it feels so much better. I want you to feel like you have authority over your own life. And that might mean adjusting how you respond when people ask things of you. So what does that look like in your real life? How do you put yourself back in charge instead of feeling like you’re simply responding to obligations? Well, it looks like a pause. I know, not dramatic, but useful.

It looks like a pause between the request and your response. A pause before you automatically say yes. A pause before you immediately volunteer. A pause before you commit to something just because you feel like you should. So that pause gives you space and it gives you a chance to ask, is this something I actually want to do? Does this match up with my values? Am I choosing this or am I trying to avoid feeling guilty? And even if you ultimately decide to do whatever it is that’s asked of you, my goal is that you do it consciously. You do it by choice.

And while that may be a very small shift, it actually matters. Because obligation thrives on autopilot. Choice, on the other hand, that requires awareness. And sometimes reclaiming authority over your own life doesn’t mean you blow it all up and make a bunch of different decisions. Sometimes it’s about making the same decisions, but you do it intentionally instead of automatically. So if there’s one thing I hope you take from this episode, it’s not that every obligation in your life is somehow a problem or that you need to start saying no to everything. And the question isn’t whether you’ll have obligations. We already know the answer to that one.

The question is whether you’re choosing them consciously. Because I think many of us spend a lot of time reacting to what everyone wants from us without ever really slowing down long enough to decide what we want from ourselves. But honestly, that’s where your agency, that’s where your authority starts. Not in having fewer responsibilities, not in withdrawing from people, not in becoming selfish, but by becoming more intentional, more aware, and more deliberate. Agency comes from recognizing that every request of you is not a requirement and feeling guilty for doing what you want to do does not automatically mean that you’ve done something wrong.

In fact, one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that guilt is often a very poor compass. Sometimes guilt is just what shows up when you do something differently than you’ve always done. Sometimes it’s the feeling that shows up when you stop making yourself the automatic sacrifice. And if you are so willing to feel just a little bit of that discomfort instead of organizing your entire life around it, you will find that there is so much more freedom on the other side than you ever expected.

And if you want help with this, let’s go. When you coach with me, we identify the patterns keeping you stuck, like obligation, guilt, and constantly putting yourself at the bottom of your own list, and we work on helping you make decisions that feel more intentional and aligned with the life that you actually want to live. Check out my website, send me a message at www.CarrieHollandMD.com/contact, and let’s talk about how coaching can help you stop leaving yourself out of the equation. All right? Thank you again for hanging out with me, and I’ll catch you again next week.

—

Hey if you want to build muscle but don’t know where to start, I’ve got you covered. Head over to CarrieHollandMD.com/buildstrength and download my free guide to help you maximize your strength training. Inside, you’ll find the essential exercises for building muscle, plus simple one, two, and three-day workout plans you can follow with just dumbbells and a bench.

You’ll also find strength training tips to help you train smarter and see real results. My goal is to help you get strong and this strength-training guide will help you do it. Go to CarrieHollandMD.com/build strength and check it out.

Thank you for listening to the Strong Is a Mindset podcast. If you want to learn more about how to build both a strong mind and a strong body by eating, moving, and most importantly, thinking, check out CarrieHollandMD.com.