Ep #199: Why Deciding What to Do Next Feels So Hard

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, Episode #199. Today, we’re talking about a moment that seems really small, but it’s where so many people get stuck. It’s the moment where you’re trying to decide what to eat, whether to work out, or what the right choice is. And instead of deciding, you spin. So let’s talk through that.

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, where you’ll learn how to build both a strong body and a strong mind by eating, moving, and thinking. I’m your host Physician, Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach and Certified Life Coach, Carrie Holland. 

Hey, how are you? What’s new? What’s good? So, what’s good here? We are talking about something that comes up in coaching all the time that’s actually pretty sneaky. So what I’ve noticed after coaching hundreds of women around habits is that it’s not usually the big, obvious situations that end up tripping people up. It’s really the small ones, like times when something is just a little bit off, where your day ended up being just a little busier than you thought it would, or your schedule got thrown off, and now you can’t eat what you planned. Or you’re out to dinner looking at the menu, and you’re just not sure what to order. Or maybe you’re just straight up tired, and the workout you initially planned suddenly feels like way too much, like maybe doing an Iron Man.

And in those situations, the question is really not dramatic. It’s not some big, complex thing. It’s just, what do I do here? And what I see over and over again is that those moments, those small in-between moments, that is where everything starts to feel harder than it needs to be. That is when habits start to unravel. And it’s not because the situation itself is complicated. We’re talking about ordering dinner or doing a workout here, right? But it gets complicated because of what happens next. Because instead of just making a decision and moving on, there’s this pause. And in that pause, everything gets a little fuzzy.

You start thinking things like, is this the right choice? Is this good enough? Am I messing this up? Should I just hang it all up and start over again tomorrow? And then what could have been a simple decision about what to eat for dinner turns into this whole big ordeal. It becomes a big thing when it really doesn’t need to be. And that is what I want to talk about today, because in all honesty, it’s really not about the food and whether you ate 20 grams of protein or 40 grams of protein at lunch. And it’s also not about the workouts and whether you did a hit workout today or went for a walk today. This is about how you decide what to do when the conditions aren’t perfect and why that decision feels so much harder than it needs to be.

So let me make it super clear. Deciding in the moment when the conditions are not perfect, that is not hard because you don’t know what to do. Okay? I want to be sure to point that out. That is the part that’s really easy to miss. The women I work with, they are not lacking in knowledge. They are not confused about what’s generally helpful or not helpful. They’re not starting from scratch trying to figure out what’s healthy or what counts as a workout. They actually know all of that.

They know what a reasonable meal looks like. They also know that one off-plan meal doesn’t undo everything. They know that doing something for a workout is better than vegetating on the couch and skipping it altogether. None of this is new information. But in the moment when things are off, or when the plan didn’t work, or the day didn’t go as expected, it’s like all of that goes out the window. It all gets overridden. And what takes its place is not confusion, it’s actually self-doubt. Okay? That is huge. And that is the big distinction I want to shine a spotlight on. Okay? It’s not lack of knowledge, it’s not confusion, it’s self-doubt. It’s this feeling of, I don’t trust myself to make the call here and have that be enough.

So instead of just deciding what makes sense and moving on, there’s this whole extra complex layer that gets added on top of what could be a simple decision. So instead of just deciding what makes sense and moving on, there’s this whole extra complex layer that gets added on top of what could be a simple decision. So instead of just deciding, okay, I’m at this restaurant, and I know there’s all this greasy food on the menu, and everyone I’m with is ordering it, and I can just order a salad and throw some chicken on top of it, it gets a whole lot more complicated. Like, oh my god, I’m at a restaurant, and why can I have the french fries? And why can Susie get the fries and not gain any weight, but I do? And it really doesn’t matter if I have these fries or not. This isn’t going to work. I should just get whatever, and I can fix it next week.

So, do you see? Instead of just ordering your food and getting on with it, there is an entire internal debate going on in your head that doesn’t need to happen. And then you start second guessing, you start over evaluating, you start making your decision mean something way bigger than what it’s meant to be. Like, this isn’t good enough, or I already messed this up, or this is why I never make progress, or what’s the point? And once that layer is there, the decision itself almost stops being the problem. Do you see that? Because now you’re not just asking what makes sense here. Now you’re trying to figure out what the right decision is, the best one, the option that won’t count as a mistake.

And that is when things start to feel heavier than they need to, because what could have been a quick, neutral decision now feels like it carries serious consequences, like it means something about you and whether or not you’re doing well or falling behind. And that is a lot of pressure to put on a single meal or one workout or one moment in your day. So instead of making a decision and moving on, everything slows down. There’s more hesitation, more mental gymnastics, and more energy going into something that realistically does not require that level of effort.

And when that happens over and over again in all of these small, everyday situations, like dinner, or restaurants, or at the gym, of course it feels exhausting, because every decision starts to carry way more weight than it was ever meant to. And when every decision starts to feel that heavy, you don’t just keep moving through your day normally, you start reacting to that pressure. And what I see over and over again is that when you don’t trust your decisions, you tend to fall into a few very predictable patterns. You might not even realize you’re doing it, but it shows up pretty clearly.

So for some of you, that pressure pushes you to go harder. So that means you tighten things up, you double down on your efforts, you try to be better. So instead of just ordering the meal and moving on, now you’re like, okay, I’ll just eat super clean the rest of the day, zero carbs, no fat, or I’ll just skip this and make up for it later. Or I need to go extra hard in my workout tomorrow. And these reactions are most commonly driven by guilt, even if you don’t call it that in the moment. It’s that feeling of needing to make up for what just happened, like you have to balance it out or fix it or do something to offset it. Guilt is what often causes you to push hard to compensate instead of just moving forward.

Now for others, it can go in the opposite direction. And that’s where the reaction is, well, shoot, what’s the point? And you opt out. It sounds like if I can’t do this the way I planned, and if this isn’t going to be perfect, why even try? And that’s where you see the screw it energy come in. It’s not because you don’t care, but because it suddenly feels like it doesn’t matter.

And then there’s a third pattern I see. And this is the one I see the most with my clients, and that is you spin. You think about it, you analyze the heck out of it, you go back and forth and back and forth. Should I do this? Should I not do this? Is this too much? What’s the best option? What is the right decision here? And a lot of mental energy ends up going into trying to figure it out. But at the end of the day, nothing actually happens. And that’s the tricky part about overthinking. It feels like you’re doing something because it takes effort, energy, and time, but you have nothing to show for it at the end of the day. No decision, no action, just a lot of mental back and forth.

And all three of these patterns, pushing harder, opting out, and overthinking, they all look different on the surface, but they’re all coming from the same place. And this is the part that I think is really important to understand, because it’s not actually that you’re afraid of choosing the wrong thing. It’s not really about the food or the workout or whether you followed your plan perfectly. What I find that many of you are trying to avoid is how you think you’re going to feel. And this is where I’ll slow things down a little bit with clients because it’s not always obvious right away.

So as an example, we’ll be talking through something, like going out to dinner or a day that didn’t go according to plan. And they’ll say something like, well, if I can’t stick to it, then I’ll probably just end up eating whatever. And instead of jumping to fix it, I’ll just stay there for a second. And I’ll ask, okay, and then what? And we just keep following that because it usually sounds something like, okay, then I eat whatever, then I’ve kind of messed up, and then I think this isn’t working. And if you follow that all the way through and keep asking yourself, and then what? Not in an annoying way, but just in a curious, open way, if you follow that all the way through and keep going, it almost always lands in the same place.

I’ll feel disappointed. I will feel frustrated. I’ll feel like a failure. And that’s it. There it is. That’s the thing you’re trying to avoid. It’s not the decision itself, it’s the meaning you’re attaching to it and the feeling that comes with it. Remember, it always comes back to your feelings. And when you don’t want to feel that, when you don’t want to feel disappointed or frustrated or like you’re failing, you start trying to control the situation in a way that keeps you from having to feel that way. Do you see that?

This is where those patterns come in. You push harder, you opt out and disengage, you spin and overthink and make zero decisions. And it’s not because those are the best options, but because they serve a purpose. They all protect you from feeling something uncomfortable. They keep you from having to feel your feelings. And once you see that, it starts to make so much more sense because now it’s not about trying to eliminate those feelings or avoid them completely, because you can’t. You are going to feel disappointed sometimes. You’re going to feel frustrated. You’re going to have times when you feel like you failed.

That is part of this work. And the problem isn’t that those feelings show up, is that when they do, they start driving your decisions. And this is where the real skill comes in, because the skill you’re missing here is not discipline, and it’s definitely not knowing how to decide. It’s being able to look at a situation as it is, when your plans change, when time is tight, or when things are not ideal, and still make a choice without spiraling about it. So whether you’re caught off guard with spontaneous dinner plans or you’re at a party and there is food everywhere, or you’ve only got 15 minutes for a workout when you were planning to have 40, you can look at what’s actually going on, take into account your time, your energy, what is realistic, and you choose something that makes sense. And then you move on. Zero drama.

That means you don’t turn it into a whole analysis. You don’t make your choice mean anything about how you’re doing. There’s no scorecard. You don’t have to try to get it exactly right. You just decide. Because right now, what’s happening is that every decision is getting run through a lot of noise, second guessing, pressure, guilt, overthinking. And it’s turning something that could be pretty simple into something that feels way more complicated. And when you get better at knowing how to decide, there’s a shift. The pressure comes off, because you don’t need it to be perfect. You don’t need to feel 100% confident. You don’t need to be certain that it’s the best possible choice. You just need to make a decision that meets you where you’re at and then keep going from there.

And to make this a little more concrete, I want to give you something really simple to come back to when you need it, because when things feel off, when your plan didn’t go the way you thought, or your day goes sideways, or you’re just not feeling it, you don’t have unlimited options. It’s actually much simpler than your brain makes it. When you’re not sure what to do and you’ve got a decision in front of you, you’ve got three choices. You can stay the course, you can adjust, or you can pull back. That’s it. So let’s talk through these.

So first, you can stay the course, meaning you keep doing what you plan to do, even if it’s not perfect. You don’t overreact, you don’t tighten things up, you just follow through as best you can. So that might look like you go out to dinner and you order something similar to what you would have eaten at home. That’s it. Second, you can adjust. And honestly, this is where most of your growth actually comes from. This is where you take the plan and make it fit the reality of your day. So maybe your workout becomes shorter or lower intensity because you’ve got zero energy. Maybe dinner isn’t what you planned, so you piece something together that works, like a protein and a veggie instead of exactly what you had written out.

And then third, you can pull back. And this one matters more than most of you think. This is where you recognize, okay, my bandwidth is low today. So instead of forcing it, you do less, you simplify. And that may mean you walk instead of run. Or maybe it just means you focus on the next meal in front of you and making that healthy, and you move on. And that’s it. Those are your options. Stay the course, adjust, or pull back.

And honestly, the real work is not figuring out the perfect option out of those three. It’s really being able to look at your situation and ask, what actually makes sense for me right now? Because most of you are asking a very different question. And that question is, what is the best? What is the right choice? What should I be doing? And that is where you get stuck, because best depends on perfect conditions, and most of the time, life is not going to give you that. So instead, we’re going to shift the question. So it’s not what’s best, it’s what keeps me in this. And that means you’re looking for the option that helps you stay consistent given the day you’re having, the energy you’ve got, and the reality of whatever is sitting in front of you.

Your answer takes into account the fact that you’ve only gotten five hours of sleep last night, or you’ve got a dog that’s puking all over your carpet, or a car is broken down, or you missed a work deadline and are now scrambling to get a project done. You’re looking for an answer that keeps you engaged, but also keeps your real life in the picture. And sometimes staying the course is the answer. Other times, adjusting is the answer. And then other times, pulling back is what makes the most sense. And none of these are wrong.

This is what making a decision when it’s hard actually looks like in real life. It is not dramatic. It’s not extreme. It’s deciding to walk when you planned to run because you’re exhausted and that’s what makes the most sense that day. It’s going to a party, having something reasonable from the buffet, and not turning it into a whole internal debate. It’s saying no to something you actually want to do because you know you don’t have the capacity for it right now. It’s small decisions like that. Nothing perfect, nothing wild, nothing dramatic. It’s just you making a call and moving on.

And here is the very real truth about where this all goes sideways. Because when I spell this out, you might be thinking to yourself, yes, this makes sense. Stay the course, adjust, or pull back. Three options, easy, no problem. But in real life, it’s not always that simple. And it’s because most of the women are not making these decisions from a place of clarity. They’re making them from a place of legitimate pressure. And that pressure sounds like, I have to, I should, I need to be better, or I’m supposed to, fill in the blank. And that voice feels super convincing in the moment. It feels responsible, like you’re doing the right thing.

But the truth is, that’s not clarity, that’s pressure. Because when you’re choosing from a place of I have to or I should, you’re not actually looking at your situation and deciding what makes sense. Instead, you’re reacting. You’re trying to meet a standard, you’re trying to avoid guilt, you’re trying to prove something. And when that’s the force behind your decision, it pulls you right back into the same default patterns. You push harder than you need to, or you swing the other way and disengage entirely, or you get stuck in your head trying to figure out the right move. And it’s because you’re not actually choosing. You’re responding to pressure. And those are two very different things, because when you’re actually choosing, there’s a level of ownership there. There’s intention, there’s purpose. You’re looking at what’s in front of you and deciding, even if it’s not perfect.

But when you’re responding to pressure, that’s reactive. It feels tight or urgent or even a little bit forced. And that’s the difference. Clarity feels steady and controlled. Pressure feels like a push. And when you start to see that, when you can recognize the difference between actually choosing versus just reacting to pressure, that gives you a little bit of space. There is space to pause and step back into the reality you’re in instead of immediately jumping headfirst into the story your brain is spinning.

And with that reframe, the goal shifts. Habits, health, fitness, whatever your goal is, it’s not about getting it exactly right, and it’s not about making the perfect decision, because there isn’t one. Not when your day doesn’t go as planned. There’s just the next decision. And what matters most is that the decision keeps you in it. It keeps you showing up for your next meal, your next workout, or your next day without drama and without starting over.

And that might seem small, deciding what to eat, deciding what exercise to do. But this, right here, this is where self-trust is built. It’s not built in a perfect plan, but in small, imperfect decisions made over and over again that ultimately keep you moving forward. And if you really zoom out, this is a lot simpler than we’ve been making it. This is not about having days with zero misses. It’s not about getting every food or exercise decision exactly right. It’s really about not turning one moment or one choice into something bigger than it is. It’s about being able to look at what’s in front of you, make a decision, and keep moving. That’s it. Because you do not need to get it right every time. You just need to keep showing up. And that might just look like picking up wherever you left off without making it mean anything about you. That is what makes progress possible.

Alright? And if you want help with this, let’s go. When you coach with me, we don’t just decide what to eat or what workout to do. We decide what you’ll do when things aren’t perfect and keep moving. Check out my website, send me a message at www.CarrieHollandMD.com/contact, and let’s talk about how coaching will take the pressure off your decisions so you keep making progress. Alright? Thank you again for hanging out with me, and I’ll catch you again next week.

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You’ll also find strength training tips to help you train smarter and see real results. My goal is to help you get strong and this strength-training guide will help you do it. Go to CarrieHollandMD.com/build strength and check it out.

Thank you for listening to the Strong Is a Mindset podcast. If you want to learn more about how to build both a strong mind and a strong body by eating, moving, and most importantly, thinking, check out CarrieHollandMD.com.