Ep #138: Overcome Busyness: Strategies for Prioritizing Yourself

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, Episode #138. If you’re so busy you have no time for yourself, let’s talk about how to change that.

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, where you’ll learn how to build both a strong body and a strong mind by eating, moving, and thinking. I’m your host Physician, Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach and Certified Life Coach, Carrie Holland.

Hey, how are you? What’s new, what’s good? So what’s good here, we are gonna talk about being too busy today. So this episode, like many of the podcast episodes I write, is coming from a series of recent client experiences I’ve encountered. So even though it’s February and the holidays are long over and the buzz of the end of the year has quieted down and we’re well into a new year, well, now for many of my clients, they’re finding themselves busy yet again. But now, instead of the holiday busy, now it’s all the other life stuff that is making my clients busy, like work, kid activities, work travel, and maybe that’s you too.

And really, it’s not so much that being busy is the problem, but rather how you let that busyness impact your life. So think about it. There are probably women in your life who are insanely busy. I can think of one of my own clients. She has her regular daytime job, but she’s also building a side business in consulting when she’s not at her day job. She’s got multiple kids that she gets to and from school and their various activities. She speaks at conferences and travels all over the world.

When we come to our sessions and she tells me about all the things she’s doing, she doesn’t bat an eye. And here’s what’s most interesting. She does not sigh or shake her head and talk about how busy she is. She doesn’t even describe herself as busy. She just puts her nose down and gets things done.

Oh, and I should mention that despite her full calendar, she still gets her workouts in consistently. She finds time to prep her meals and food before her work weeks even start, even if that means squeezing it in between travel plans. She just gets it done. And you may know someone like this in your own life, and you may watch her in amazement and wonder how in the world she gets it all done. I know I do.

And on the flip side, you may also know other women in your life who are not as busy, but instead are in a perpetual state of busyness. And you know who I’m talking about.

She may not have as much on her to-do list, but it doesn’t matter because she just radiates busy. She may seem disorganized or chaotic and there’s almost a buzz-like quality around her and there’s always something going on for her and you know about it because she’s telling you about it. She’s telling you how busy her life is.

And that’s just it. Think about it. How often do you tell yourself or your friends or your family? How often do you declare, I am too busy? And if that is your constant refrain, what kind of impact is that having on your life? Because remember what we know about your words, your words create your world and your world creates your words.

So when you tell everyone you know and yourself that you’re too busy, that is the life you will have. You’ll prove yourself right and risk becoming overstretched and frantic and chaotic, and you will embody busy. Because what comes out of your mouth will come into your life.

So if you run around like a chicken with your head cut off all the time while declaring how busy you are, you’ve reinforced that. You are solidifying the identity of being someone who is too busy. And busy becomes who you are.

And sometimes we get to a point in our lives where we let our time and our schedules and our lives get so overrun that we ultimately become busy. You tell everyone and you tell yourself, I am too busy enough times that it becomes your identity. And that’s when it becomes a slippery slope because when too busy is what you believe about yourself, that is what you go and create.

And the problem here is not just your packed schedule. The problem is when too busy becomes your identity. And then it worsens when you identifying as too busy becomes a reason that you neglect yourself. Identifying as too busy may keep you from taking the steps necessary to change your habits and change your life.

And so what I wanna do today is dive into how your busyness is either helping or hurting you. So to be clear, not all busy is bad. As I mentioned earlier, you can be busy and get a lot of work done and not even identify as busy. And on the flip side, you can wear busy like a badge of honor and use that identity to keep you totally stuck right where you are.

So I want you to think about how you see your own busyness and decide if your perspective is moving you forward or keeping you stuck. Then I want to show you how being too busy may be one of your biggest barriers to taking better care of yourself. Then I wanna help you turn this around.

You do not have to run at top speed, chaotic and frantic through your day, only to end it with nothing left for yourself. That is a surefire way to burn out if you haven’t already. So instead, we need to figure out a way for you to fit yourself into your own busy life, because at the heart of it, that’s the problem.

The majority of the women I work with are so overly busy, taking care of everything and everybody, that they have exactly zero time left to take care of themselves, and that does not work. That will leave you feeling exhausted and resentful, and that’s no good.

And to take it a step further, I want you to be running your day instead of the day running you. So remember, you are not a machine. You are a person. You’re an adult. You are in charge here. Your schedule and your day and your time and your life, you drive the bus, okay? You’re in charge. And I really want to empower you to see it that way. And I wanna empower you to manage your time in such a way that you are not an afterthought, okay?

And I’ve got some ideas for how you can put yourself back in the driver’s seat and make space for yourself in your own life. All right, so let’s go.

So first, I want you to consider this. What does busy mean to you? What does that actually mean? Does that mean that you have a to-do list that is 420 tasks long? Does that mean that you have big projects coming and procrastinate and wait until the 11th hour to get things done and then you get super busy? Does that mean that you overcommit and put too many things in your calendar and not prioritize yourself? What does busy actually mean to you?

So in the work I do, I found that your perspective on busyness is variable and largely depends on how you view yourself and your relationship with time. And so here are some of the different faces of busy.

Okay, so first there is reactive busy. This is where you are constantly reacting to other people’s needs. So if this is you, you may feel like you’re always on call for your family, your work, or your friends, and you may be constantly reacting to their requests or problems. And Often, you do this at the expense of your own time and priorities.

So this is when you spend the moment you wake up until the moment your head hits the pillow, taking care of everyone else. So you get up early to get your kids ready for school. Then you go to work and handle your boss’s request, deal with coworkers, projects, clients, deadlines, emails. Then you race home to manage the evening chaos that’s dinner, homework, after-school activities, or whatever, only to end the day exhausted, rinse and repeat.

But you are nowhere to be found in this equation. Nowhere in that 24-hour span are you making time for you. And that’s because you’re constantly responding to external demands and needs. And when that is your life, you almost definitely feel busy, but it’s the kind of busy that’s being commandeered by other people. It’s busy without any meaningful time for yourself or your goals. Instead, you’re operating as a back-end call of everyone else in your life.

And I would say that this is the most common scenario I run into. Most of the people I work with were too busy. They are too busy because of this. They are so busy taking care of everyone else that they run out of time and space for themselves.

So next is low value busy. So another way that you might be too busy is when you overload yourself with tasks that do not move you forward. So this is where you get stuck in the small, insignificant stuff that could be done at a later time or even omitted altogether. But instead, these lower value tasks come at the expense of doing the really big, important stuff that will move you forward.

So I’ve got an example from a client session even earlier this week. So I have a client who is killing it at work. She was recently promoted, she’s taking on a lot more responsibility at her job, and she’s just crushing it. And while career advancement is one of her goals, she also has the goal of consistently exercising.

And when we started working together, she was not exercising with any regularity and she was feeling the effects of it. She was stiff. She was sore. She felt winded going up and down the stairs. She did not feel good in her body and she didn’t want to feel that way anymore. So she decided it was time to start exercising.

And with that goal in mind, she committed to herself that she would take a midday walk. She was going to step away from her desk, get outside, and go for a walk to break up her day and get some exercise. And while she made this plan, she did not follow through. Instead, every day when it was time to go for her walk, there was always something else. There was another email to write, another document to edit, another call to make, or a social media account to check. And that time that she set aside to get her walk in completely evaporated.

And it is really, really easy to get stuck in low value tasks like email or social media. It’s really easy to get your time eaten up by one little thing. But the problem is, if you let your time get swallowed by enough little things, you have no time left for yourself. And all those little things may make you feel busy, but what’s really happening is you’re busying yourself with tasks that are not moving you forward.

And I would say at the heart of this, it’s a time management issue combined with a mismatch priorities issue. And we’ll talk more about how to manage this in just a little bit.

Another way that busyness shows up in your life is when you overcommit yourself. So if you say yes to too many asks of you, you will eventually reach a point at which you have a completely loaded calendar with zero time left for yourself. And what’s worse is that often those things that are filling up your calendar are not even things that you want there in the first place.

So you may be saying yes to an extra project, an extra committee, or a volunteer position out of a feeling of guilt or out of a desire to make someone else happy. And this happens often with my people pleasers. You don’t want to disappoint your boss. You don’t want to upset your coworkers, your kids’ school, your family, whoever it is. So you say yes and take on too many requests and end up overcommitted. But what overcommitting really gets you is a calendar filled with tasks that do not line up with your most important priorities. So you are in fact busy, but that’s by way of a stuffed schedule full of things that are taking away from your energy instead of moving you forward towards your goals.

And while we are talking about over committing, let’s also just spend a minute talking about scattered busy or multitasking, because this is yet another way that being too busy might be showing up in your life. So I’m gonna be honest and just put it out there. No one is good at multitasking, really. You may believe that you can write a phenomenal report while listening in on a completely unrelated Zoom meeting and simultaneously clean out your email inbox, but something is going to suffer. Okay, you’re gonna miss an important piece of information shared in the meeting, or you may omit something from your report, or you might delete an important email. Because multitasking just does not work for most humans.

And honestly, the biggest problem with multitasking is that it takes away your full focus. You may think that you’re being super productive, when in reality you’re stretched too thin and decreasing your overall effectiveness. And what this all adds up to is that you feel like you’re constantly doing, but you’re making slow progress because you’re not really focused on any one task in front of you. And plus, it’s exhausting.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m trying to send a work email and help my kid with his homework and carry on a conversation with my other kid. That doesn’t go well. And I usually end up doing a terrible job of all three, and it wastes my time and it wastes my kids’ time. And I would be better off attending to each one of these tasks individually instead of trying to do all three simultaneously and not doing any of them well. Multitasking really is not the answer and I find more often than not it perpetuates your busyness without increasing your effectiveness.

So if multitasking isn’t the answer, what is? So the key is in how you define and approach your busyness. Not all busyness is the same, and recognizing the type of busy you’re experiencing can help you make changes to be more productive. So when we’re talking about busy, recognize that there is a big difference between being busy and being productive.

So sometimes being busy can feel like you’re expending a ton of energy, but you’re running in circles. You may be using a lot of brain energy being busy or being overwhelmed and thinking about being busy. But when push comes to shove, you’re not giving the tasks at hand the focus and attention they need in order to actually finish them. And that is when you start using phrases like, working on something. I’m working on this project. I’m working on this outline. I’m working on this PowerPoint. But what does working on something actually mean? Did you think about it? Did you write something down? Did you doodle for a minute and then check Facebook? What does working on something actually mean to you?

So contrast that with being productive, which is as it sounds. When you’re productive, you might be busy, but the key feature that differentiates being busy from being productive is that you’re getting stuff done. You may have a full schedule, but you’re intentional, you’re focused, and you have results to show for your efforts. And that’s just it. You’ll know what kind of busy you are when you look at your results.

Busy without results usually means you’re spinning. You’re thinking about being busy. You’re getting anxious about being busy. You’re going in circles being busy, but you don’t have anything to show for it other than overwhelm and exhaustion. But productive, on the other hand, means you’ve got results. You’ve got something to show for your time and energy. You may have a lot to do, but you get it done. You produce results. And this distinction is critical. Busyness without progress is exhausting. Productivity, even when you’ve got a full schedule, is empowering and those feel very different.

And that brings us to an important point. Busyness is not just about how much you have on your plate and how many things are on your to-do list. Being busy is also about how you engage with your time, whether you feel in control of it or overwhelmed by it. And that distinction leads me to this fundamental truth, and that is busy is a choice.

So I know I may ruffle some feathers when I say that, but I will stand behind it. Busy is a choice. Everything that found its way onto your calendar actually did not just find its way onto your calendar.

At some level, you had to allow it to be there, okay? You are an adult, and as such, you’ve got authority over your life, your time and your schedule. So if you are overscheduled, I would encourage you to think about the choices that resulted in you being overscheduled. And most importantly, please know that you absolutely have the capacity to change your schedule.

And no, it’s not going to be easy, of course not. I’m not gonna pretend that you can snap your fingers and suddenly clear your calendar overnight, no. But I would argue that if you are so busy that you are not fitting into your own life, then something has got to give.

So sure, you can choose to keep going and let your calendar dictate your days, and you can throw your hands up in the air and shake your head that you don’t know what to do, and you can continue on in the swirl of being too busy. You could go on for decades, letting your days run you. But I’m guessing that’s not what you want.

So if you don’t want to feel like your day is running you, and you don’t want to feel like your schedule is running you into the ground, change it. Now notice I didn’t say overhaul, okay? You don’t have to walk away from your life and start anew. No, but instead, get curious. Ask yourself the question, what is the smallest, tiniest change you can make to start giving yourself more time? What is possible in your situation?

And notice what I just said, what is possible? And I say those words on purpose. I have worked through this. I have worked through my own busyness. I worked through my own overcommitted, frantic state, and I have done it with many, many clients. And often, overcoming the activation energy to start changing your schedule is the hardest part because it feels impossible.

You may have been living your life in an over-scheduled, overly busy rhythm for so long that anything else feels impossible to you, but it’s not impossible. So please hear me, please really hear me. It is possible to change your schedule. And while it is not easy, it does require a willingness to get curious. You have to be willing to consider what else might be possible in your life. And this is instead of immediately declaring, “I don’t know.”

So I know it’s easy to say, and it may feel true, but “I don’t know” is the biggest stealer of your progress there is. So declaring “I don’t know” shuts down the conversation before it gets started. It keeps you from getting creative. It blocks you from your own wisdom. And really, it keeps you stuck right where you are.

When you declare you don’t know how to change your schedule, you slam the door shut on change, okay? Or when you tell me that changing your schedule to create time for yourself is impossible, then I know we’ve got work to do. And that’s when we have serious, open, honest conversations about priorities, flexibility, and discomfort.

Because here’s what I want you to know. You can absolutely make time for yourself. It is possible. You can make time for your goals. You can make time to exercise or meditate or make a lunch for yourself instead of resigning to take out. But no one is going to just give that time to you. That time is not going to just happen. You have to make it happen.

And you might be thinking, she has no idea what my life is like. I’m the primary breadwinner and I have to work this many hours and we have a car and a mortgage and a tuition and this is impossible. No.

So you are right. I do not know your unique individual situation. I do not know all of the things that are on your calendar. I do not know all of your responsibilities. I do not know all of the things that chip away at your time. Everyone has a story and I do not know yours.

But what I do know is that if you feel like you’re drowning and have no time for yourself, we need to look at your time management, your commitments, and your priorities. Because yes, you could go on and continue to be a machine and do everything for everybody, but doing that will leave you completely fried, resentful, exhausted, overwhelmed, and possibly even physically ill. And it doesn’t have to get to that point.

You can do something about being too busy now, but it means taking ownership of your time and your schedule. It means getting really clear on your priorities. And it also means making yourself a priority. Because honestly, if you don’t make yourself a priority, why would anyone else?

If you cannot declare that you are worth your own time, then why would anyone else? If you’re not willing to make yourself a priority. Correction, if you do not give yourself permission to make yourself a priority, then change is not gonna be possible. You will always be chasing your tail. So you have to put yourself first. And it’s not a matter of being selfish. It’s a matter of self-respect. It’s a matter of self-compassion. Give yourself permission to prioritize your needs and do it even if it feels uncomfortable.

I will help you. That’s one of my goals for showing up here every week. I want you to know that it is possible to change your life, but it’s gonna feel icky first before it feels better. But I got you, okay? I got you and you can do this. And it may be that you have some hard conversations at work, at home, or both in order to do that. This is not an overnight change, let me be clear. But if you are sick and tired of feeling like a machine, if you’re always putting everyone else in front of you, now is a good enough time to change that. Good enough, that’s all we need. We just need you to decide that now is a good enough time to get started and I can help you with the rest, but you have to decide that it’s worth it to you.

Now here is where things get even more interesting. So busyness isn’t just about time management. Sometimes it’s a shield, a defense mechanism. Sometimes you use busy to protect yourself from having to do the real deep, hard, vulnerable work of changing your life. And then you become a victim of your busyness. It is easier to go through the grind of an insanely busy workday, the after-work shuffle of family, pets, kids, activities, etc. and over-scheduled weekends than it is to fix it. It is easier to busy yourself with the surface level stuff and to keep up with the current rhythm that you have than it is to shake that up and try something different. It is easier to stay on the hamster wheel. It’s safe, even though you may be busy as heck, and you may not love it because you don’t have time to think, let alone time to go for a walk or exercise or cut up a vegetable. It’s what you know.

And so therefore, it’s familiar, it’s comfortable, and it’s safe. You are safe. As long as you stay busy and keep up with the grind, you are safe. And that’s all your brain cares about, at least in the short term anyway. But deep down inside you, there’s a little voice. It’s a little voice and it’s quiet, but it’s persistent. And that little voice is telling you, hey, this isn’t working. This schedule and this pace and this rhythm that you’ve created, it’s not working. But you’re so busy, you keep ignoring it. Or at least that’s what I did for years.

Because busyness gives you a safe, familiar routine. It keeps you from going out of your comfort zone. You don’t have to think so hard when you’re overly busy. You become a machine. You just churn. You get stuff done. You don’t stop. You are all action, lots and lots of doing, but no thinking. And at the heart of it, you’re really avoiding the meaningful, harder work that actually does have the potential to change your life.

And there’s more. If you’re a perfectionist who’s too busy, you may use that busyness as a reason to procrastinate getting started because you’re concerned that you may not get it just right, so you don’t start at all. Busyness is a way for you to avoid discomfort. It’s a way to avoid failure. You can’t fail at exercise if you’ve made yourself so busy that you don’t even start. You can’t fail at your diet if you’re so busy that you don’t even try to plan your meals. Your busyness becomes a reason to put off starting. And as a result, you stay safe in the confines of your comfort zone for years. You stay too busy, but at the same time, you avoid discomfort, you avoid trying, and you avoid failure. And you also avoid making any progress at all on your habits. It’s a super slippery slope.

And so here is what I want you to know. I want to shout this from the rooftops, and I want to make sure you hear me on this. You are in control of your schedule. You really are in control, okay?

Remember what I said a few minutes ago about that little voice inside you, that little voice that is telling you what you’re doing is not working. So remember what Brianna Wiest said in her amazing book 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think. She said, the universe whispers until it screams.

So you do not have to wait until the universe is screaming at you, okay? You don’t have to let your life get to that degree of chaos to start changing it. If you do not have time for the things in your life that really matter, that is your sign to re-evaluate. If you are fried, how can you stop spending time on things that don’t matter? Please really think about that for a minute. It cannot all be important because if everything in your life is important, nothing is important, okay? So you get to decide.

Please remember that time doesn’t just happen to us. You create a schedule. You create a rhythm at home. You create your life through all the decisions you make, including how you spend your time. And over time, that life and that schedule become habit. And more importantly, there is a big, big difference between reacting to life and feeling like your days are happening to you versus proactively creating your life and making your days work for you.

So think about how you spend your time. Think about how busy you are in your current life and then think about what it is that’s driving your busyness. Are you busy because of external demands from work, friends, your kids’ school, family, or something else? Or are you busy with activities that provide meaning and that you’ve chosen? Those two types of busy will feel very different.

And then next, think about your commitments. What are you committed to? Are those commitments things that you feel passionate about? Are all of those commitments necessary? Are there obligations that you’ve taken on out of guilt or out of habit? How did the things on your calendar, the things that take up all your time? How do they get there? And do they have to stay there? What possibilities do you see when you look at your calendar and how you spend your time? And where is there a possibility for change?

And how do you even figure this out? Okay, so you can start by doing a simple time audit. If you have never done this, I highly encourage you to try it out.

And all that means is you record how you spend your time. If you took 30 minutes to exercise, you write it down. If it takes you 40 minutes to get ready for work, write it. If you spend 10 minutes on Facebook after lunch, write it down. If you watch an hour of TV before bed, log that. And the goal is to log how you spend the minutes of your day. And I know this may seem super basic, but honestly, it’s a key step that so many people skip.

But think about it this way. It’s really hard to change where your time goes if you don’t know exactly how you’re spending it in the first place. And if you’re thinking, I already know where my time goes, I hear you. But I would guess that if you were to write it down honestly, you might find that you spend more time on social media than you think. Or maybe you spend more time on Netflix than you think. Or maybe you’re spending more time commuting than you think.

And if you’re willing to collect this data for yourself, it might help you find where you can adjust your life to fit in more of the things that are important to you. So I cannot tell you how many women I’ve worked with who have identified their phones and social media and TV and driving as a huge time sink. And if that’s the case for you, there’s an opportunity there.

And then next, after your time audit, start thinking about where you can create more time for yourself. If you are in your car constantly shuttling kids around, can you condense that? Can you carpool? Can you stop using social media before bed to give yourself more time to read or meditate? Is a virtual committee meeting possible instead of in-person so you can cut down on the time you’re driving in your car? Are there commitments in your life that no longer make sense for your current life goals? Where can you cut back?

And honestly, what this is going to boil down to is two things, deciding what you really want and then saying no to the other things that get in the way of that. And ooh, I know, this is where it gets sticky. But I wanna be real with you and share with you what most commonly comes up when I help women change their lives and their schedules and prioritize themselves.

When you know what you really want, whether that’s related to your health, relationships, career, or personal growth, then you’ve got a guidepost. And in all fairness, that may take some time for you to decide. You may need time to clear your head and get clear on your priorities and what you really want, and I can help you do that. Because you may find that you’ve got competing priorities that require you to decide. How can you excel at your career and find time to exercise? How can you spend quality time with your kids and still get to bed at a reasonable hour?

And admittedly, these aren’t always easy questions to answer, but these in particular are two of the most common examples that come up for my clients, and we work through them. Because in order for my clients’ lives to change, these are the sort of things that we have to address. And so once you know what is truly important to you, you can use that information to evaluate your schedule and your time commitments and see where you are losing time to activities that aren’t contributing to your goals. And then you’ve got some choices to make.

And that may mean saying no. It may mean stepping back from commitments that no longer align with your personal mission. It may mean disappointing people because you’ve changed your mind. And here’s what I want you to really think about. It is okay to change your mind. Please give yourself permission to change your mind, okay? People do it all the time.

If at one point, a certain committee or position, activity or volunteer role aligned with your priorities, but now it doesn’t, give yourself permission to act on it. And if your immediate response to that is a visceral one that feels like a pit in your stomach that arises at the thought of disappointing someone, I got you, I hear you. But here’s the other thing to consider. How long are you going to keep disappointing yourself in order to not disappoint someone else?

I had a coach who pointed that out to me very clearly once. She explained that every time I said yes to a commitment, I was giving my time to someone else. That hour committee meeting that I’m not super excited about, that’s an hour I just said no to myself. That’s an hour I just said maybe later on my goals. That’s an hour I just said no to myself.

That’s an hour I just said maybe later on my goals. That’s an hour I just said no to being with my kids. All to be on a Zoom call for something that does not really excite me or move me forward in the first place. And when she put it that way, I woke up. And to put it very simply, when you say yes to things that don’t matter, you are saying no to yourself. That is the takeaway.

So please let’s work on that. Start saying yes to yourself more often. In my own life now, I’m very careful with what I say yes to and I would encourage you to do the same because your time is valuable and precious and I want you to feel empowered to use it in a way that feels true to you and saying no can be one of the most powerful tools that you’ve got to give yourself space for what’s important.

So here is what I want to leave you with. If you are too busy, please remember that busyness is a choice and you are in control of your schedule. Take ownership of your time. Determine where your time is going and if you’re satisfied with that. Commit to doing the deeper work to fit yourself into your life instead of being an afterthought. Consider your boundaries and where you might need to say no or I changed my mind.

You do not have to overhaul your life overnight. Small changes in the way you spend your time will have a huge impact. Honestly, the only thing between you and your goal is your willingness to make time for it. So imagine what would be possible if you give yourself the same energy and dedication that you give to everything else. You deserve that and you are totally capable of making that happen.

And last, give yourself permission to do this work. Okay? Be willing to let it feel uncomfortable as you prioritize yourself. It is most definitely part of the process. You have the power to change how you experience your schedule, and you have the authority to take control of your life. All right?

And if you want help with this, Let’s go. When you coach with me, you will make decisions and take action to create less busy and more purpose in your life. Do not wait for the perfect time to change your life. You can start now. Check out my website, head to CarrieHollandMD.com/contact. Tell me what’s making you too busy and let’s change it. All right, thank you again for hanging out with me and I’ll catch you again next week.

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You’ll also find strength training tips to help you train smarter and see real results. My goal is to help you get strong and this strength-training guide will help you do it. Go to CarrieHollandMD.com/build strength and check it out.

Thank you for listening to the Strong Is a Mindset podcast. If you want to learn more about how to build both a strong mind and a strong body by eating, moving, and most importantly, thinking, check out CarrieHollandMD.com.