Ep #173: How to Actually Believe You Can Change Your Habits

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, Episode #173. If you’ve ever wondered how to believe you can change your habits when your track record says otherwise, let’s talk about it.

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, where you’ll learn how to build both a strong body and a strong mind by eating, moving, and thinking. I’m your host Physician, Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach and Certified Life Coach, Carrie Holland. 

Hey, how are you? What’s new? What’s good? So, what’s good here? Today we’re talking about something that comes up all the time in coaching sessions. And that is, how do you believe you can break a habit when you haven’t actually broken the habit? So really, the question becomes, how do you believe before you believe? So, as an example, how do you believe you can stop mindless snacking when night after night, you find yourself in the pantry with your hand in the chip bag? Or, how do you believe you can become a regular morning workout person when you have snoozed through your alarm for decades? Or, how do you believe that you can actually lose the weight when every diet you’ve ever tried has eventually fallen apart?

So these are the kinds of questions that come up regularly in coaching sessions, and I want to help you pull this apart today. If you’ve ever thought to yourself, I don’t believe I can do it, you are not alone. So whether you’re trying to stop snacking, stop overeating, become a regular exerciser, or really whatever habit it is that you’re trying to change, it’s totally understandable that it’s hard to believe you can do it when you haven’t reliably or maybe even ever done it before. And maybe you’ve tried and failed so many times that you’re starting to wonder why even try. Clearly, I cannot keep this up.

And that is where the stuck feeling comes in. Because you want to believe that you can change your habits, you want to trust yourself, but your history is giving you all kinds of evidence that says otherwise. And so then, you feel trapped. You might feel like you’re caught in a loop. You tell yourself you’ll do better, but deep down, you don’t really buy it. And when you don’t believe in yourself, every slip up and every time you go back to the habits that you’re trying to break, it feels like proof. Proof that you can’t do it. Proof that you might not be cut out for this.

And so here’s what I want you to know. Belief in yourself does not appear out of nowhere. It does not fall from the sky, okay? You don’t wait for belief to arrive before you take action. It doesn’t work that way. Belief is something you build. And the way you build that belief is not by sitting around hoping and hoping that one day you’ll wake up confident and ready to tackle your habits. No, belief is built by taking action first, even when you’re doubting yourself and letting that belief catch up to you.

And that’s what we’re going to talk about in this episode. I’m going to show you how to start stacking proof that you can change your habits, even if you don’t fully buy into the idea yet. We’re going to talk about practical tools that you can use to expect discomfort, handle setbacks, and keep moving forward. And by the end, my hope is that you’ll see that belief is not magic. It is not reserved for anyone special. And instead, you can think of belief like muscle. And like any muscle, you build it one rep at a time. All right? So let’s go.

So I’ve had a number of clients tell me some version of the same story that goes something like, I don’t believe I can change. And when someone says that to me, I know that it’s never just that one sentence. I know that is the tip of the iceberg and there is a whole story underneath it. And if you don’t take the time to slow down and really look at what’s under the surface, that one sentence, I don’t think I can do it, that will keep running the show. And often, what’s underneath when you say I don’t think I can do this, is something more like, I’ve tried before. I’ve failed before. I always go back to old habits.

And here’s the thing. Maybe that’s true. Maybe you have failed before. Maybe you have gone back to old habits. Maybe you started a program, got super motivated, cleaned out your pantry, bought the new running shoes, set the early alarm. Maybe you did all of those things. And then two weeks later, you were right back to your old routine. So maybe you’ve lost the weight before, only to watch it creep right back up. Maybe you’ve promised yourself countless times that you were going to finally stop mindless eating after dinner. But every night you find yourself back in the pantry, chips in hand.

So when you say, I don’t believe I can do this, I want you to really hear me. That’s not just some flimsy excuse. That’s the lived experience and the evidence your brain is stacking against you. You’ve tried, you’ve failed, and that feels like undeniable proof that you are doomed to fail all over again. And this is common and it’s also where so many people get stuck. They look backwards at their track record and think, well, if I’ve never kept it up before, why would this time be any different? And if you want the honest truth, if you keep approaching it that way, then you’re right. It won’t be any different. That is why the belief feels impossible because you’re trying to believe in never failing again. And that is an impossible bar. You have set the bar way too high for yourself.

And so here is where I want to help you shift things. The goal isn’t to believe that you’ll never fall off. The goal is to believe that you can get back up. So really think about that. The goal is to believe that you can get back up when you fail. And maybe that sounds a little backwards or a little glass half empty, but I honestly don’t think so. I think it’s being realistic. So think of it this way. If your belief is built on never failing, then the second you miss a workout or eat the cookie or skip over your meal plan, what happens? You’ve shattered your belief. But if your belief is built on resilience, like I get back up, I don’t stay down, then every time you slip, you’re actually proving your belief true by recovering.

So this is huge. So if you zoned out, rewind 15 seconds and listen to that part again, because honestly, that alone is your key. The goal is to start proving your belief true by recovering. That’s it. So let me give you a picture of this. Say you’ve struggled with late night eating. You tell yourself, this time, I will never eat after dinner again. And for a few nights, you do that. You nail it. Then, one night after a super stressful day at work, it is too much and there you are with your spoon in the ice cream carton at 10:00.

So if your belief is I’ll never mess up again, then that one bowl of ice cream is the end of the story. You failed. You blew it. The streak is broken. So then, you might as well just keep going and keep breaking your streak. And many of you do exactly this. But on the flip side, if your belief is, even if I mess up, I can recover, then the story changes. So you had that ice cream last night. Yep. But today, you’re back on track. That one bowl of ice cream before bed does not mean that the week is shot and you keep on mindless eating. When you believe that you’re capable of recovering, that means one choice does not erase who you are becoming.

And that is what resilience looks like. It’s not about flawless execution, it’s about bounce back speed. So the faster you get back up and get on with your program, the more evidence you build that you can change, even if you’ve failed before. So, once you start to see that belief is not all or nothing, that it’s not about never failing again, but about getting back up faster, then the next question becomes, okay, so how do you actually start believing in a new version of yourself when you’ve never seen that version before? Because this is where a lot of people get tripped up.

It’s not just that they don’t believe in their new habits yet. It’s also that they don’t believe in their new identity yet. You might be trying to build new actions on top of an old story about who you think you are. But when the story in your head is, I’m someone who always quits, or I’m just not disciplined, or I’m lazy, or I’ve never been consistent, then every time you try something new, that identity just pulls you back like gravity. It can be really hard to move past it.

So, how do you shift that without forcing yourself to believe that who you are becoming feels fake or totally far fetched? So, here’s where a lot of habit change breaks down. You’ve probably heard this before. You have to believe you are the kind of person who can change her habits. You have to believe you are the kind of person who can eat healthy. You have to believe you are the kind of person who can maintain an exercise routine. And I agree with all of that in theory. But in practice, it is just not that simple because if you’ve spent years believing that you aren’t that person, you can’t just snap your fingers and suddenly declare, I’m healthy, I’m consistent, I love broccoli, I love working out at 5 a.m. It’s going to feel totally phony.

And the minute something feels fake, your brain checks out. You cannot build lasting belief on top of something that you don’t actually believe yet. So instead of forcing a new identity that doesn’t fit, you can think of identity as a spectrum. So on the one end, you have where you are right now. And maybe that is inconsistent, frustrated, or doubtful. But then on the other end, there’s the identity that you’re working toward. Someone who follows through. Someone who keeps her promises to herself. Someone who takes care of her body because she wants to, not because she has to. Someone who is healthy.

And you don’t have to be all the way there to start living in that direction. So you can say other things to yourself like, I’m learning to act like someone who follows through. I’m practicing showing up like someone who takes care of herself. I’m figuring out what consistency looks like for me. I am working towards becoming a healthy person. And these are small but more believable steps. You’re not faking yourself out. You’re not pretending to be someone you’re not. And those beliefs don’t require 100% confidence. They just require willingness. Willingness to show up even when you don’t feel like it. Willingness to try again even after you’ve messed up and fallen off. Willingness to see what could happen if you stopped deciding in advance that it won’t work.

And that’s what I want for you. It is not blind optimism, but willingness. Because willingness is quiet, but it’s also steady and it’s powerful. Willingness is what gets you moving when your belief still feels really far away. So identity work is not about pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s about being willing to act like the person you want to be, even if you’re not her yet.

So when I left medicine to start my coaching practice, I did not have unwavering belief that it would all work out, far from it. I had a lot of anxiety, self-doubt, and hundreds of reasons why it wouldn’t work. But I also had a tiny bit of willingness, maybe like 5% willingness to try. And so every time I took action, like coaching a client, writing a post, sending an email, or recording a podcast, my willingness grew. My willingness got a little stronger. And over time, that willingness turned into belief. And that’s what this looks like in real life. You don’t have to believe 100%. You just have to be willing to act on the 5% or maybe even the 1% of you that believes change might be possible.

So, if you can’t yet confidently say, I’m a healthy person, that’s okay. Start with, I’m willing to act like a healthy person today. Because every time you do that, you’re giving your brain a new story to tell about who you are. And then you can start collecting the proof that your brain needs to turn that willingness into actual belief. Because your brain isn’t going to believe a new story just because you say it. You can repeat sentences and affirmations to yourself all day long, but if your actions don’t line up with your affirmations, your brain will call BS on you every time.

And that’s where so many people get stuck. They say they want to believe they can change, but they’re waiting for belief to show up first. They’re waiting to feel ready before taking action, but belief doesn’t work that way. You don’t think your way into believing. You act your way into believing. And the way you do that is by stacking small, consistent wins, tiny pieces of evidence that remind your brain, hey, look, I’m doing this. This is how I’m changing.

And here’s the truth. Every time you follow through, even in a small way, you teach your brain something new about who you are. You make a better lunch choice when you could have grabbed takeout. You get yourself out the door for a walk instead of sitting on the couch. You stop after one cookie when before you would have eaten six. You pick yourself up after an off the chain weekend and get back to your plan Monday morning instead of waiting two months to restart. All of those choices matter. Those choices are how you retrain your brain to see yourself differently.

Because right now, your brain may have a long track record of you starting strong and stopping early. It has evidence of you wanting change but not sustaining it. And that story has been repeated for years, so of course it feels true. But every time you follow through, even just a little, you interrupt that story and you give your brain something different to work with. And you start rewriting the narrative from I never stick with anything to I’m someone who keeps trying. That’s huge. And this is where most people underestimate themselves. They think that belief is built on the big wins, like the 20 pound weight loss or the marathon or the perfect week of meal prep. But that’s not how it works. Your belief in yourself is built in the small, unglamorous, boring moments when you do the thing you said you would do.

That is how you grow your self-trust. You follow through, not perfectly, but consistently enough that your actions and your intentions start matching up. And the more that happens, the more believable your new identity becomes. You don’t have to keep convincing yourself with pep talks because your behavior does the talking for you. So if you’ve been waiting to feel confident before you get started on your habits, flip it around. You don’t take action because you believe. You believe because you take action. Do you see that?

That is what creates the shift from I hope I can do this to I know I can do this. And to be clear, doing something new and unfamiliar will bring with it its own kind of discomfort. So, once you start following through more consistently, even if it’s a little, something interesting and very predictable happens. You start to feel a little better about yourself. You start to build momentum. But right around that time, something else happens too. Your brain starts to freak out because it’s not used to this. Your brain is used to the familiar, the late night snack, the skipped workouts, the all or nothing swing. It knows these patterns and even if they don’t help you, they feel safe.

So, when you start doing things differently around here, your brain sounds the alarm and says, whoa, this feels weird. This is uncomfortable. This is not what we do. Let’s go back to what we know. And if you’re not ready for that, it can throw you off track completely. And that’s why this part is so important, learning to expect discomfort before it happens. And here’s what I’ll tell my clients so they’re prepared. Change, it is not supposed to feel good right away. It’s supposed to feel different.

So, think about what we know about habits. Every new habit asks your brain to do more work. It’s asking your brain to break an old pattern and build a new one, and that takes energy. And your brain does not like using extra energy. It likes efficiency. So your brain will try to talk you out of doing the new habit by sending you a wave of discomfort. And that discomfort might feel like resistance, something like, I’m too tired. I’ll start tomorrow. One bite of this cake not going to hurt.

Or that discomfort might take the shape of doubt when your brain says, this probably isn’t going to work. Or, sometimes that discomfort even comes in the form of guilt when your brain starts telling you, this is taking time away from my family and that means I’m a terrible person. So, whatever form it takes, the discomfort you feel is not a sign you’re doing it wrong. It’s actually the opposite. That discomfort is actually a sign your brain is rewiring. So, instead of being surprised by it, plan for it. Expect it to show up and be ready for it. And here’s how you do that.

Visualize the moment of discomfort before it happens. I do this with clients all the time. So, imagine yourself at 9 p.m. after your worst day ever, standing in front of your pantry. Or imagine it’s 6 a.m. and you’re staring at your alarm clock that just went off. Then, name what you’re thinking, whatever it is, spell it out. I deserve this. I’ll do it later. I don’t care right now. Then, decide in advance how you will respond. Have your response already ironed out. So maybe your response when it’s 9:00 and you’re standing in your pantry about to start that evening graze, maybe your response to I deserve this is no. I really don’t need that tonight and I want to feel proud tonight when I go to bed.

Or maybe your typical response at 6 a.m. when you’re staring at your alarm is I don’t care about exercise right now. I just want more sleep. So knowing that, maybe your advanced response that you’ve got ready to go can be something like, just start with the warm up and see how I feel. That’s it. Just have it ready. Because when you’ve already rehearsed the situation in your head and when you’re ready with a response, it’s easier to handle it in real time when that discomfort or when that mental back and forth begins. You’re prepared for it. You expected it. You have a response ready.

And here’s what often surprises people. That discomfort usually is not as bad as you expect. Most of the time, the discomfort peaks and passes within a few minutes. It’s actually not such a big deal. But because you feared that discomfort, you avoid it. And by avoiding it, it becomes this big, scary thing that you keep avoiding. But by avoiding the discomfort, you also never give yourself the opportunity to see that you can in fact handle it. And this here is one of the most empowering parts of habit change. Once you realize that you can sit through an urge or a craving or a wave of resistance without acting on it, then you see how capable you really are. And that ability to stay with the discomfort instead of escaping it, that’s the money right there. That is strength. That is what allows your belief to grow because if you can feel uncomfortable and keep going anyway, you can do pretty much anything.

And once you understand that progress comes from walking through discomfort and not around it, the next question is, how do you keep going? And that’s where consistency comes in. So, once you realize that you’re not in danger with your new habit, it’s just your brain resisting change, you’re in a much better space to keep going. But there’s another trap that sneaks in here, especially for my high achievers, and that trap is your timeline. Because once you start doing the work and things don’t change fast enough, your brain jumps straight to why isn’t this working yet? And that question, or really that pressure to hit a result by a certain date, can undo weeks of effort when that day comes and goes and you haven’t gotten it exactly perfect.

This is one of the most common reasons people quit. It’s not because they’re incapable, it’s because they’re impatient. So, here’s the truth. You’ve probably been living a certain way, eating a certain way, moving or not moving a certain way and thinking a certain way for years, maybe even decades. And then, one day, you get sick of it all and you decide you’re going to fix it all in six weeks. But you know that’s not how real change works. Your brain doesn’t operate on your deadline. It operates on your repetition. Your brain wants to do whatever you do repeatedly, and that starts with one action.

So, the more you repeat a habit, the more familiar it becomes. And the more familiar it becomes, the easier the habit is to do. But that takes time, and more importantly, it takes consistency. And that takes a boatload of patience. And remember what consistency is. It’s three things: behavior, repetition, and frequency. So, you do the behavior, you repeat the behavior, and you repeat it with enough frequency that it makes a meaningful difference.

So, instead of asking, how long is this going to take? The question to ask is, how consistent do I need to be? Or, instead of asking, when will I finally be done with this? Ask, how many times am I willing to get back up and do this again until it’s habit? That is your real measure of change. Not how fast you get where you’re trying to go, but how often you keep showing up when it stops being easy or convenient or exciting. Because anyone can show up when motivation is high and the novelty is there, but the real transformation happens when you show up even without motivation. The real transformation happens when you show up even when it’s not new or fun or exciting. The real transformation happens when you keep your promise to yourself for no other reason than because you said you would.

So, let me give you a visual to put this all together. Think about laying bricks. So, every time you follow through on a habit, whether that’s eating a meal you cook at home, getting your workout done, going to bed when you planned, setting a boundary, making a better choice, whenever you do the habit, you lay one brick. And on its own, that brick really doesn’t look like much. But over time, if you keep laying those bricks, what happens? You build something solid.

And here’s the other thing to think about. If you miss a day, you didn’t tear the whole wall down, right? It’s still sitting there, composed of all the bricks that you laid before. But then you come back tomorrow, you show up, and you add another brick. So, do you see what we’re talking about? This is what consistency looks like. It’s one brick at a time. That’s it. It’s not a race to the finish line. It is very not flashy, and it is certainly not fast, but it is solid, it’s steady, and it’s sustainable. And as you keep showing up, laying that foundation of consistency, you’ll likely run into this trap too.

So, you know this already, but building consistency takes effort. And sometimes, that effort runs up against fatigue, stress, or even just the busyness of your life. And when that happens, your brain will start negotiating. And it will offer you excuses like, you’ve worked really hard, you deserve a break. It’s fine. Missing one workout, not a big deal. You’ve lost the weight before. You can do it again. You can start back up on Monday.

And here’s the tricky part. Sometimes, that voice is right. Sometimes, you do need rest. You do need to take a step back. But other times, that same voice is actually self-sabotage in disguise. So, how do you tell the difference? And this is where it gets nuanced because I certainly want you to have compassion for yourself, but it gets sticky because compassion and indulgence, they are not the same thing. So, real compassion will sound like, I’m tired, but I’ll take a walk instead of lifting today. Meanwhile, sabotage sounds more like, I’m tired, so I’ll skip it and call it self-care.

So, to make this clear, compassion adjusts your plan but keeps the commitment alive, while sabotage cancels the plan entirely and pretends it’s kindness. And the difference is subtle, but it’s important. And you can even ask yourself this question, is what I’m about to do helping me move forward even a little, or is it keeping me stuck? Or to put it even more black and white, if your version of self-care consistently leaves you feeling frustrated, guilty, or disconnected from your goals, it’s probably not compassion. That’s comfort. And while that comfort feels good in the moment, it usually doesn’t help you in the long term.

But compassion, on the other hand, still keeps you in motion. It sounds like, okay, I can’t do everything today, but I can still do something. It’s the middle ground between perfection and apathy. You’re not letting yourself off the hook, but you’re also not holding yourself to an impossible standard. And it’s in that gray area where your progress is. So, I’ve had clients tell me, I’m just trying to be nicer to myself. But when we dig deeper, what that really meant was I’m giving myself a pass. I can think of one client who was trying to stop late night snacking. She told herself, I deserve to relax at the end of the day. It’s been a long one. And yes, she did deserve rest. But instead of finding another way to decompress, she went straight to the pantry.

And so that is not compassion. That was using food as reward, even though it was the exact habit she was trying to change. And when she started pausing to ask herself, what do I actually need right now? Food or a break? The answer was almost always rest, not cookies. And that shift in awareness was huge, and she proved to herself, she didn’t need to be harder on herself, she just needed to be honest.

And that is the core of self-compassion, honesty. It’s not about lowering your standards, it’s about telling yourself the truth. So, before you label something as self-care, stop and ask, is this decision moving me in the direction I want to go? And if your answer is yes, that’s compassion. If your answer is no, that’s avoidance. And once you can tell the difference, your world will open up and you’ll start operating in integrity with yourself. Because when you consistently act in ways that align with the promises you make to yourself, belief stops being something you have to talk yourself into. It just becomes how you do.

And if you’re not quite there yet, if you’re still struggling to see yourself as someone who fulfills her commitments to herself, that’s okay. If you’ve listened to all of this and you’re still thinking, I want to believe I can change my habits, but I just don’t yet, that is not a problem. Because sometimes, before your belief catches up, you have to borrow it. So, you can borrow mine, or you can borrow your own coaches, or you can borrow your friends, or your partners. And what you’re doing is borrowing belief from the person who believes in you when you can’t see what they see. That’s what my clients often do. They will tell me some version of, I don’t think I can do this. And I will respond, that’s okay. I know you can.

And we go from there. They lean on my belief until their actions start creating their own beliefs. Because here’s how this works. When you start taking action from borrowed belief, you’re still building your own. Because at the end of the day, it’s still up to you to take action. So, every workout, every rep, every salad, every follow through, that’s all you. You’re proving to yourself that maybe, just maybe, you can change your habits. And that is how belief grows. Not from wondering, not from thinking about it, not from motivation, but from action.

And if you really think about it, this is true everywhere. When you learned to drive or when you started a new job or when you raised a kid, you didn’t believe you knew what you were doing at first, right? You borrowed belief from someone else’s reassurance until you did it enough times to know in your gut, I got this. And changing your habits is really no different. So if you’re in that uncertain space right now, let me spell this out and say it clearly. I believe you can change and I believe you can build the habits you want. That version of you who shows up even when it’s hard, even when it’s messy, that’s all you need because she is proof that change is happening. So you don’t have to believe that fully yet. You just have to be willing to try. All right?

So here’s what I want you to take away from today. You do not need to be perfect. You just need to keep showing up. You don’t need massive change either. You need consistent follow through. You don’t need to avoid failure. You just need to keep getting back up. And you don’t have to believe 100%. You just have to be willing to try. Because the truth is, belief isn’t something you find. It’s something you build, one decision, one follow through, one habit at a time.

So if you’re trying to change your habits and you find yourself thinking something like, I don’t believe I can do this, consider this instead. What would it look like if I was willing to try? That question and your answer to it is how your change begins. All right?

And if you want help with this, if you’re tired of starting over and you’re ready to build the habits and the mindset that make your results last, let’s talk. This is exactly the work we do in coaching. Check out my website, send me a message at www.CarrieHollandMD.com/contact and let’s talk about how coaching will change your habits, change your mindset, and change your life. All right? Thank you again for hanging out with me and I’ll catch you again next week.

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You’ll also find strength training tips to help you train smarter and see real results. My goal is to help you get strong and this strength-training guide will help you do it. Go to CarrieHollandMD.com/build strength and check it out.

Thank you for listening to the Strong Is a Mindset podcast. If you want to learn more about how to build both a strong mind and a strong body by eating, moving, and most importantly, thinking, check out CarrieHollandMD.com.