Ep #190: Why Being Hard On Yourself Isn’t Working Anymore

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, Episode #190. Being hard on yourself has probably worked at some point in your life. The problem is that it might be what’s making things harder now. So, let’s talk about what to do instead.

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, where you’ll learn how to build both a strong body and a strong mind by eating, moving, and thinking. I’m your host Physician, Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach and Certified Life Coach, Carrie Holland. 

Hey, how are you? What’s new? What’s good? So, what’s good here? Well, today, I’m hitting on a concept that I didn’t realize I was so passionate about until recently. I mentioned before that I’ve been piloting a very small group program, and in one of our sessions, we talked about this concept, the concept that we’re going to talk about today. And admittedly, it’s something that I never, ever used to think about. I never bothered thinking about it because it was just a way of life. It was how I rolled. Until I realized that I was overdoing it and it was totally shooting me in the foot.

And what I’m talking about is being hard on yourself. And I don’t mean in an obvious or dramatic way or in a way that sounds like self-loathing or negativity. Instead, I’m talking about being hard on yourself in a very quiet but socially rewarded kind of way. It’s being hard on yourself in a way that looks like discipline, high standards, accountability, pushing yourself to just do better and go harder when things aren’t going the way you want them to.

For so many of the women I work with, being hard on themselves does not feel like a problem. It actually feels productive. It feels responsible. It feels like the reason they’ve been able to succeed in the first place. Being hard on yourself doesn’t feel like self-sabotage, it often feels like doing your job, like being driven, like having an edge. And often, it shows up in really subtle ways, like a constant internal pressure to do better, to optimize, to clean things up when they start to feel messy.

Most of the women listening to this did not get where they are by being careless or disengaged. They learned early on that pressure works. Criticism sharpened focus, expectations created results. Holding yourself to a very high standard became part of how you function in the world. And that approach was reinforced over and over again by grades, by performance reviews, by promotions, by external praise. So it didn’t just feel effective, it felt right. And that’s exactly why this pattern sticks around for as long as it does, because it works. At least for a while anyway, long enough to get you through school, through training, through demanding early career years, long enough to earn degrees and opportunities.

When you could absorb the pressure and convert it into action, being hard on yourself absolutely delivered results. That pressure created urgency, fear got you moving, self-criticism kept you sharp. But here’s the part that’s easy to miss, and I want to make sure that I say this out loud. We didn’t succeed because we were hard on ourselves. We succeeded despite it. What actually carried us through wasn’t just the pressure. It was the capacity that we had at the time. There was more energy, more margin, fewer competing demands. And over time, it wasn’t that pressure stopped working, it just started to wear on you. But because things worked out, pressure got credit. Applying pressure became associated with competence, with responsibility, with being someone who gets things done.

So, of course, that strategy stayed in place. Of course, it became internalized as this is how I succeed. No one ever told you to question it because from the outside, it looked like discipline, it looked like drive. And the problem isn’t that this approach is wrong. The problem is that it was built for a very specific season of life. There’s a time when white knuckling still gets you results: training, early career, periods where your main job is to perform and push.

But eventually, most women move into a phase where capacity changes. Work gets way busier, life gets more full and more complex, stress becomes chronic instead of temporary. There are more roles and more responsibilities and far less margin. And that’s when the strategy starts to break down. And what started out as drive starts to feel really heavy. And the same internal pressure that once felt motivating starts to feel exhausting. You still care, you’re still trying, but everything takes way more effort than it used to. Because self-criticism is very effective right up until the point where it quietly starts breaking you down.

And when this happens, this is usually the point where women turn it on themselves. They think they’ve lost discipline, lost their edge, or that they should be able to handle this better. But what’s actually happening is much simpler than that. The strategy hasn’t changed, but your life has. And this is usually the moment when people start to nod along and then quietly tense up, because even if you can see that being hard on yourself isn’t working the way it used to, the idea of doing anything different can feel extremely unsettling. And it’s not because you want things to feel easier, but because being hard on yourself has been the thing that’s kept you moving. It’s been your mechanism. It’s how you do.

But when that strategy starts to crack, the question underneath it isn’t, what should I do instead? It’s, what happens if I don’t push myself the way I always have? And that is where the discomfort really shows up. And this is where the concept of self-compassion enters the conversation. And for a lot of women, self-compassion does not land as comforting. In fact, it’s the opposite. Self-compassion is often seen as risky. And it’s not because they don’t value kindness, but because they’re afraid without that pressure, everything will fall apart.

Even if you don’t love how much pressure you put on yourself, there is often a very real fear underneath it. If I stop pushing myself this way, what is going to keep me moving? Being hard on yourself may not feel good, but it feels familiar. It feels like the thing standing between you and falling apart. And I hear this all the time in coaching. Sometimes it sounds like, if I’m kinder to myself, I won’t get anything done. Sometimes it shows up as comparison, like other people have it worse, I should be able to handle this. And sometimes it’s even more visceral than that, and it sounds like, if I let up, everything is going to unravel.

So, that last one, if I let up, everything will unravel. That one tends to strike a nerve for many of the women I work with. It most definitely did for me when I was learning about self-compassion. So, I want to slow this one down for a minute. The fear that if you let up, you’ll fall apart. It is incredibly common, and it does not come from nowhere. For a long time, pressure has been the thing holding everything together. It’s been the glue, the motivation, the way you keep yourself functional when life feels heavy. So, of course, the idea of removing that feels super scary. But there’s an important distinction to make here.

Letting go of constant self-pressure is not the same thing as letting go of responsibility. Responsibility doesn’t disappear when pressure does, it just shows up differently. And here’s what that means. Instead of responsibility sounding like urgency or self-criticism, it sounds more like clarity. And instead of forcing yourself forward, you’re making a deliberate choice about what comes next. So, when pressure is driving the bus, responsibility feels reactive. You’re responding to fear or guilt or the sense that you should be doing more.

But when you let go of pressure but keep responsibility, you’re still deciding, you’re still owning the outcome. You’re just doing it without punishing yourself into action. And from the outside, it may all look the same. You’re still taking action, but the way you get there is different. You’re less reactive and more intentional. You’re more engaged, and that is not letting go. That actually is self-leadership. It’s choosing direction without letting pressure scare you into moving.

And once you really see that distinction, that responsibility does not disappear when pressure does, some of the fear around self-compassion starts to make more sense. Most of it comes from assuming that being kinder to yourself means letting go entirely. And here’s where things tend to get misunderstood. Being kinder to yourself is not the same as quitting. And acknowledging your own struggle does not mean you’re denying that other people struggle too. There is no hierarchy of pain here. You don’t earn relief by proving that you’ve got it worse than someone else.

And what I see when I have these conversations is that most women aren’t actually afraid of compassion, they’re afraid of losing control. And pressure feels like control. It feels like keeping a tight lid on things. But the irony here is that the longer you rely on pressure alone, the more fragile the whole system becomes. When there is no release valve, eventually something gives.

But here’s the thing, self-compassion is that release valve. Being kinder to yourself, it is not collapsing. It’s letting the pressure release so you don’t collapse. That is a really, really important distinction. Being kinder to yourself is what prevents the breakdown, not what causes it.

So, to make this super clear, self-compassion does not relieve you of responsibility. It does not lower expectations and it certainly doesn’t give you a pass. Most of the women I work with don’t need to be told to take responsibility. They are already really, really good at doing that. But what they need is a way to take responsibility without beating themselves up every time something doesn’t go perfectly. Self-judgment, that shuts you down. Self-compassion is what keeps you in the game. All right?

At this point, I hope you are sitting with two things at once. You can probably see that pressure in the form of just work harder does not work the way it used to. And at the same time, you might still be afraid of what happens if you let go of that approach. And this is where I want to be really clear because this is often where things can go sideways.

When I talk about self-compassion and how you relate to yourself, I’m not talking about lowering standards, caring less, or letting things slide. And that’s often what people hear. And it makes sense, given how much responsibility you already carry. But what I’m actually talking about is strength, just not the kind that relies on pressure to function.

For many of the women I work with, self-compassion gets lumped into the same category as taking it easy or letting yourself off the hook. And if that’s how you hear it, then it makes total sense that self-compassion feels like a hard pass. Most of the women listening to this don’t need less structure or lower expectations. They already hold themselves to a very high standard, sometimes an impossibly high one. So let me be precise about what this actually is.

Self-compassion is not kindness instead of standards. It’s kindness that helps you follow through. It’s the difference between thinking I blew it and, okay, what’s the next reasonable step here? You’re not ripping yourself apart so you can keep moving forward, but without burning yourself out in the process. We’ve already talked about how pressure can work in short, contained seasons, but many of you aren’t living there anymore. Life is broader now. There’s more responsibility, more emotional load, and more unpredictability. And pressure alone isn’t strong enough to carry you through that.

And this is where self-compassion shows up, not as a liability, but as a strength. It’s the kind of strength that actually holds up over time. It helps you come back after a hard day instead of needing to start all over. It allows you to keep showing up even when you’re tired, stretched thin, or dealing with things that you never trained for or never asked for. So let me shout this out. Self-compassion does not lower the bar. It stabilizes the system. It keeps everything from tipping over the minute life gets hectic. It’s what allows you to adjust without stopping, without needing constant self-induced pressure to force momentum.

And this is why I keep coming back to this key distinction. Being hard on yourself got you through training. Self-compassion gets you through the rest of your life. So please really hear that. Self-compassion is what gets you through the rest of your life. So, it really does not matter who you are or what you do or how hard you work. Self-compassion is a non-negotiable. Okay?

And before we go any further, I want to be really clear about what exactly I mean by self-compassion because this is often where it gets misunderstood. Self-compassion, like I said, is not about letting yourself off the hook. It’s also not about lowering expectations, avoiding effort, or going soft. In real life, self-compassion looks like being able to take responsibility without attacking yourself when things don’t go perfectly. It’s what allows you to say, okay, things didn’t go as planned. What is the next reasonable step here instead of spiraling into self-criticism and giving up entirely?

So at its core, self-compassion is the ability to stay on your own side while you take responsibility for moving forward, even if it’s imperfect. The key piece here is that you stay on your own side. Meaning self-kindness instead of self-criticism, especially when you’d normally turn against yourself.

And let me pull in discipline here because a lot of people worry that if they practice self-compassion, they’ll lose their edge, that they’ll stop being disciplined. And I totally get that concern. Many of the high achievers I work with have a very strong sense of duty and discipline. But discipline on its own, without compassion, often leads to burnout. You push, you put your nose down, you override yourself, and you ignore the signals that you’re stretched too thin. And you keep pushing until something gives.

On the flip side, self-compassion without discipline leads to drift. You understand why things are hard, you see it, you acknowledge it, but nothing actually changes. And as a result, you stay stuck because there’s no forward movement. So, here’s the distinction that matters. Discipline without self-compassion leads to burnout and self-compassion without discipline becomes drift. And the point here is that it’s not one or the other, it’s both. When self-compassion and discipline work together, something really cool happens. You recover faster after a mess up. You don’t beat yourself up so much with negative self-talk. Plans can fall apart without it turning into a personal failure. And over time, that builds self-trust because you realize you can put yourself out there, you can try things, you can stretch yourself, and you know you’ll treat yourself kindly if and when things don’t go as planned. You don’t abandon yourself when things get messy.

And this is also where identity starts to shift. You stop seeing yourself as someone who can only follow through when pressure is high and start seeing yourself as someone who can adjust and continue. You become someone who gets back up faster. You become someone you can count on, not because you’re a machine, but because you’re steady and you’re kind to yourself when steadiness feels hard. So, no, you don’t need to be nicer to yourself instead of showing up. You need to be nicer to yourself so that you can keep showing up. And that is not just strength, that is resilience. Again, huge difference.

If self-compassion isn’t a mindset you adopt or a feeling that you wait for, the natural next question becomes, what does this actually look like in real time? And one of the most important things to understand here is that self-compassion isn’t something you either have or don’t have. It’s not a personality trait, it’s not something you wait to feel. In practice, it’s a process, something you do, especially when things are already hard. And you know I like systems. So, I’m going to share a simple one. It’s a three-step sequence that helps you stay engaged instead of spiraling or checking out. This is not fancy or wild or profound, and that is by design. This is simply here to give your brain somewhere to go other than self-criticism.

So, the first step is simply naming what’s happening. And when I say name it, that’s it. You’re not analyzing it, not fixing it. You’re just acknowledging it honestly and stating it plainly. I am overwhelmed. I’m frustrated. This didn’t go the way I planned. You’re just naming the situation without judgment. And often that alone gives you a little bit of space. It doesn’t mean you like the situation or you approve of it, but it means you stop arguing with reality. That is huge.

From there, once you’ve named what’s happening, the next step is normalization. And this is where you take your experience and stop making it mean anything is wrong with you. So you remind yourself, anyone in my position would be struggling with this. It makes sense that I’m feeling this way. And this is not meant to be used as an excuse or as a vehicle for comparison. It’s just a reminder that challenge is normal, that it’s part of being human and difficulty does not mean you’re failing. It means you’re dealing with something that isn’t easy.

And then, once you’ve named and normalized, the third step becomes much easier to access. So instead of asking, what’s wrong with me, the question shifts to what is the next reasonable step here? And notice what I said, reasonable. So we’re not looking for the perfect step, not the most bold, overly corrective step either, just a small, doable step that keeps you moving forward.

And this part matters. If you’re someone who has a hard time with self-compassion because deep in your bones, you hold the belief that pressure is the only thing keeping you functional, I hear you. I see you. I am with you, and I want you to really hear this. When things don’t go as planned, self-compassion does not mean you stop caring. It also doesn’t mean you shrug and move on. And it definitely doesn’t mean you let yourself off the hook. Self-compassion changes what happens after you notice things didn’t go the way you intended.

So notice that there is still a next step here. You are still deciding, you are still moving forward. And that is the difference. Self-compassion keeps you in the decision instead of letting you spiral or quit. It’s the difference between saying, I blew it, what’s wrong with me and saying, okay, this didn’t go the way I wanted. What am I going to do next? One of those shuts you down and the other keeps you moving.

This is also why being hard on yourself has felt necessary for so long. For a lot of women, pressure has been the thing that forces action. And without that pressure, it can feel like nothing will happen. But choosing a next step without punishment is not letting yourself off. In fact, it’s actually one of the most self-compassionate things you can do because it keeps you engaged.

Sometimes I think of self-compassion as the firm but supportive voice that I need to keep me moving. Not mean, not self-defeating, just steady. And it sounds like, hey, I know you really want to quit right now. I know you want to hang it up and crawl into a hole, but I’m not going to let you do that. You are going to take the next smallest step, whatever that is, and you’re going to keep going. That is what I mean. And sometimes that is the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself. And over time, that is what makes progress possible. It’s not because you’re pushing harder, but because you’re not turning every misstep into a reason to stop.

Self-compassion keeps you on your own side while you stay in the decision. You’re not fighting yourself, you’re working with yourself. Okay? So I want to zoom out here for just a minute before we wrap up. If you’re listening to this and thinking, okay, yes, this is me, I want you to hear this. The problem has never, ever been that you don’t try hard enough. Effort is not the issue. Caring is not the issue. Showing up is not the issue.

If being hard on yourself actually worked long term, you’d be done by now. You wouldn’t keep circling the same patterns. You wouldn’t feel like you have to keep tightening the reins every time life gets hard. So the fact that you’re still here, still trying, is not a failure. That’s information. What’s not working isn’t you, it’s the strategy you’ve been relying on. Being hard on yourself may have helped you through certain seasons, but it was never designed to carry you through decades of work, relationships, parenting, grief, illness, or the emotional load that comes with a full life. That doesn’t mean you’ve outgrown discipline or responsibility. It means you’ve outgrown the kind of discipline that requires constant self-pressure to function.

And this is what I really want to leave you with. You don’t need to be kinder to yourself instead of showing up. You need to be kinder to yourself so that you can keep showing up. That is not lowering the bar. That’s choosing a way of relating to yourself that actually holds up when life is imperfect, which it inevitably is. Self-compassion is not about becoming less capable, it’s about becoming more resilient. It’s about staying in the game without needing to fight yourself the whole way.

So, if this episode felt personal, or if parts of it made you uncomfortable, just know this. Nothing here requires you to overhaul your life or do things perfectly starting tomorrow. Even noticing this pattern, even questioning it, that already is a shift. So you don’t need to fix yourself. You don’t need to try harder. You don’t need to prove anything. You just need a way to keep going that doesn’t cost you so much. And that’s what self-compassion, practiced this way, will do for you. All right?

And if this episode resonated with you and you want help applying this in real life, that’s exactly what we do in coaching. When you coach with me, we don’t just talk about mindset in theory. We look at how you eat, move, and think when things get hard, and we build ways of showing up that don’t rely on constant self-pressure to work. You can learn more at www.CarrieHollandMD.com/contact, and we can talk about how coaching can help you. All right? Thank you again for hanging out with me and I’ll catch you again next week.

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Thank you for listening to the Strong Is a Mindset podcast. If you want to learn more about how to build both a strong mind and a strong body by eating, moving, and most importantly, thinking, check out CarrieHollandMD.com.