Ep #196: The Pressure to Always Go Hard in Your Workouts (and Why It Backfires)

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, Episode #196. Today, we’re talking about the pressure many of us feel to make every workout count and how that pressure can change your relationship with exercise.

This is the Strong Is a Mindset podcast, where you’ll learn how to build both a strong body and a strong mind by eating, moving, and thinking. I’m your host Physician, Personal Trainer, Certified Health Coach and Certified Life Coach, Carrie Holland. 

Hey, how are you? What’s new? What’s good? So, what’s good here? Well, this morning, I had a moment, and I think a lot of you listening who exercise regularly can relate. And it made me realize that there’s something about the way many of us approach our workouts that’s worth unpacking a little bit. So this morning, I got up at my usual time and I felt completely fried. Not injured, not sick, really just fried. And you probably know what I’m talking about. It’s a feeling where your body isn’t necessarily telling you to stop moving altogether, but it’s pretty clear that you’re not operating at 100% either.

And originally, I had planned to lift and then go for a run this morning. But when I got up, I just could not bring myself to do it. The idea of running felt like a lot, just too much. Then I thought about getting on the Peloton and that did not sound awesome either. And I even briefly considered driving myself to the pool and swimming back and forth at my one speed, but even the thought of that was not doing it for me.

So I started considering something different. I thought, okay, well, what if I just lift weights and then I get on the treadmill and walk for a little bit and listen to my music? And honestly, that sounded kind of nice. It sounded doable, maybe even a little bit like relief.

But then, almost as soon as I started entertaining that idea, the mental gymnastics started. So even though walking felt like the right thing for how I was feeling, there was still an entire conversation in my head while I lifted. And it sounded like, ooh, don’t slip. You’re going to get soft. You’re going to get fat. You are not working hard enough. And I had to keep reminding myself, no, this is fine. You’re lifting weights for crying out loud. You are moving your body. You’ve already run and biked and swam this week. Walking is okay today.

And on the outside, nothing about that workout looked unusual. I lifted weights. I moved my body. I got the workout done. But internally, there was an entire debate going on in my head about whether or not that workout was good enough. And as I was walking on the treadmill, thinking about all this, I realized something. This is not really about exercise. It’s about a belief that so many of us have, especially if you’re a high achiever and if you take your health and fitness seriously. There’s a belief that if you’re not going hard enough, you’re losing ground.

And the more I thought about this while I was walking, the more I realized that probably isn’t just my brain doing this. I started thinking of one of my clients who had a really, really hard time at the thought of not getting her blue dot on the Peloton. So for non-Peloton people, there’s a calendar on the Peloton app and you get a blue dot for every day you do your workout. So this client had it in her head that her calendar had to have every blue dot, like zero misses. And never mind the fact that sometimes she worked 12 hours plus overnight in the hospital and did not sleep at all. She had to get that blue dot.

And I started thinking of another one of my clients who told me, point blank, that she was beholden to her Apple Watch, and if she did not close all of her rings every day, it was a failure. And for anyone who does not use an Apple Watch, there are your fitness rings. They measure your standing hours, your minutes of exercise, and how many calories you’ve burned. And she had her red circle or the calories burned goal set super high for herself, and she made it a point to exercise enough every day to close that red ring or else it was a failure. And some people, like my client, can get super focused on closing those rings every single day, regardless of what their day looks like.

And I can think of another client who came to me to work on her habits, and one of the things she wanted to do was start lifting weights because she considered herself a runner and had never lifted weights before. But the idea of cutting back or even cutting out one day of running, and she ran five to six days a week, but that idea was really hard for her. And she even said that if she didn’t finish her workout sweaty, in her mind, it didn’t count.

So I know that I am not alone in this. I think a lot of people who care about their health and fitness carry some version of this belief around that if they didn’t go hard enough, it’s not good enough. And I want to be clear about something from the outset because this episode is really not about over-exercising in the literal sense. I’m not talking about training volume or how many minutes you spend in the gym. What I’m talking about today is your relationship with exercise because for a lot of people, workouts can quietly start to take on this meaning where they only count if they’re intense enough or exhausting enough or hard enough. And if you take it easy, you’re slacking. There’s a belief underneath it all that your fitness is fragile. Like if you ease up just a little bit, everything will start to slide backwards. And when you believe that, workouts stop being something that you do to take care of yourself, and they start becoming something you use against yourself.

It changes the way you approach your workouts. You push harder than you probably need to. You feel guilty for taking an easier day. You stop giving yourself any days off. And the crazy part here is that from the outside, this can look like a really strong fitness routine. You go and you go hard. You do not mess around. But inside, the workout is doing something very different. Instead of working out for movement or to take care of yourself, it becomes a way to prove that you’re disciplined enough, that you’re still in shape, that you haven’t lost your edge. And that is where things start to get a little tricky.

Exercise stops being something you do to take care of your body and it starts becoming something else. For a lot of people, and I will absolutely include myself in this, exercise can start to represent things like control or punishment or competition. Sometimes it even becomes transactional, meaning you start feeling like you’re working out to make up for something, like the food you ate or the stress you’re carrying or the mood you’re in. And to be clear, movement can absolutely be a healthy way to process a hard day. Going for a run, lifting, getting a walk outside, those can all be really helpful. But this is different. This is when it starts to feel like you owe the workout, like you’ve got to burn something off or cancel something out or push yourself harder because of something you did or felt earlier.

And if I’m being completely honest about my own history with this, there was definitely a time when exercise was very transactional for me. I would work out because I felt like I needed to earn something or make up for something. And there was sometimes even this element of competition that would creep in, not necessarily competition in the sense of organized sports, but more like this quiet, internal competition with other people, like who could lift more, who looked stronger, who had more discipline. I sometimes used exercise almost like a scoreboard, like how much weight can I lift? How fast can I run? How hard can I push? What does my body look like compared to someone else’s?

And I am not at all proud to admit that to you, but it’s honest. And when that’s the way you’re approaching it, when it starts to feel like a comparison or a measure of where you stack up, it doesn’t take long for that pressure to turn inward. For so long, I had this belief that if I wasn’t pushing myself insanely hard, like to the top, then it wasn’t good enough. The workout didn’t count. I didn’t count. And when you start layering all of that meaning onto exercise – punishment, proof, competition, control – it is not surprising when your workout starts to feel like it needs to prove something. Not just that you moved your body, but that you’re doing enough, strong enough, still have it. And once exercise starts carrying that kind of weight, it changes the relationship you have with it.

So when I really started thinking about this, I realized that exercise has actually played a number of different roles in my life over the years. Some of them healthy and some of them really not so healthy. There was definitely a period where exercise was not just something I did. It was a mechanism for me to prove something to myself and sometimes to other people, even if they had no idea what I was doing. I wanted to look strong. I wanted to look capable. And if I’m fully honest, I wanted to look a little intimidating. And honestly, it was a coping mechanism, not a healthy one. There was a stretch of time in my life when things were really, really hard personally. I was in a time where there were a few really big relationships in my life that felt completely unstable and I was just barely holding it together emotionally. And during that time, I got insanely fit.

I was training for natural bodybuilding shows. I was lifting super heavy, eating a boatload of protein, sticking to my meal plan, and I was pushing myself constantly. You know what? I looked pretty jacked. And at the same time, if you had asked me about it, I probably would have said it was all about the discipline or strength or pushing myself. But now, if I look back on that time in my life with a little more clarity and a lot more honesty, I can see that body was not just fitness. It was a suit of armor. Building that body made me feel protected. Like if I was strong enough physically, nothing could knock me down emotionally. I wanted to send a message to anyone who saw me, anyone who knew me, that said, don’t F with me. And from the outside, that probably looked like peak fitness. If you saw me in the gym, you might have thought, wow, she’s really committed. She’s really disciplined. She’s in good shape.

But internally, the relationship I had with exercise during that time was very different from the relationship I have with it now because back then, when I was really struggling, it wasn’t really about caring for my body. Part of it was armor and protecting myself for sure. But there was another part of it, too. I was hurting. I was angry. I was so incredibly sad. And the only way I really knew how to deal with that pain at that time was to push myself harder and harder physically. I wanted it to hurt. Not in an injury-provoking kind of way, but in that deep, burning, take-it-right-to-the-edge kind of way where you are so physically uncomfortable, there is no space left for anything else. Because for a little while, that kind of effort quieted everything down. It gave me somewhere to put all of that emotion. And if I’m being really honest, there was a part of me that felt like I needed to be hard on myself.

Those workouts, they were not coming from a kind place. They were coming from a place of being really, really hard on myself, almost like I was trying to outrun my emotions or grind them out of my system. I wanted to beat myself up and I did. I just did it at the gym. And again, from the outside, that probably looked like discipline. But internally, the motivation behind it was very different. And it took me a long, long time to really see that clearly. At the time, I thought I was just sticking to the plan and being consistent. I thought I was doing what strong people do. You push harder. You train harder. You don’t let up. That’s what I believed that strength looked like. But over time, it started to feel a little off. Not all at once and not in a big, dramatic way. Just times where I would finish a workout and feel completely drained, not physically, but mentally, or moments when I realized that I wasn’t even enjoying any of it. I was just getting through it, checking the box, proving the thing.

And interestingly, that shift did not really start in the gym. It started in my brain. For a long time, I had been so incredibly hard on myself, not just in my workouts, but in the way I talked to myself, the way I handled emotions, the way I dealt with things that were painful or messy or uncertain. Exercise slowly became the place where I tried to outrun or outwork everything I was feeling. But as I started doing more work on myself, like learning how to be a little kinder to myself, learning how to sit with emotions instead of avoiding them like the plague, when I started doing those things for real, something changed. I realized I didn’t need my workouts to hurt anymore. I did not need to annihilate myself physically just to feel like I had done enough that day because I was finding another way to take care of myself.

Once I started dealing with what was going on in my mind, I didn’t need to take it out in my workouts anymore. And that right there is really when my relationship with exercise finally started to shift. And the interesting thing is that if you looked at my routine from the outside, it probably didn’t change all that much. Even now, I still move a lot. I still lift and run and swim and ride my Peloton. Movement, it is very much a part of my life. And honestly, it’s something that I genuinely enjoy. It’s my hobby. What changed wasn’t what I was doing, it was what I was using it for.

Before, I was using exercise to get away from how I felt. I was trying to outwork my emotions. I wanted to shut out the noise by making my body scream louder than my brain. But over time, I learned how to do something I really didn’t know how to do before, which was to actually feel what I was feeling. I sat with the anger and the sadness. I handled it. It didn’t feel good, but I showed myself that I could get through it and I could get through intense emotional pain without needing to escape or to burn it off at the gym. It took a while, but once I realized that I could actually do that, that I could feel really hard things and it wasn’t going to take me out, I didn’t need my workouts to do that for me anymore.

So internally, the relationship I have with exercise is now very different than it used to be. It’s not about proving something anymore. It’s not about punishing myself or protecting myself or competing with anyone else. Now, it’s much simpler than that. Movement is just part of who I am. It makes my life better. It clears my head. It brings me peace. And most of the time, it comes from a place of self-kindness instead of self-hatred.

But here’s the important part. That old voice has not completely disappeared, which brings me back to the treadmill this morning. Even though my relationship with exercise has changed quite a bit over the last few years, I still struggle with the voice that pops up and says that wasn’t enough. And I think part of the reason it does is the message that women constantly hear about aging, especially once you hit your 40s and you start hearing more and more about perimenopause and menopause. Suddenly, everywhere you turn, you’re hearing some version of the same message. You’re losing muscle. Your metabolism is slowing down. You’re going to get belly fat. You are going to lose strength. We are constantly being fed this message that everything is going to fall apart if we don’t crush our exercise in perimenopause and menopause.

And the theme underneath it all is pretty stinking clear. “You got to fight it. You need to train harder. Do your sprint interval training. Do your HIIT. Go super heavy at the gym. Push hard. Don’t lose your ground.” And when you hear that message over and over again, everywhere you turn, it’s very easy for your brain to start believing that if you’re not pushing hard enough, you’re falling behind. So even when you’ve done a ton of work to build a healthier relationship with exercise, that fear of slipping can still get triggered because suddenly, a normal workout starts to feel like not enough. A walk feels like serious slacking. An easier day feels like you’re letting things slide and age and menopause, they’re going to catch up with you. And what I see so many women do in response to this is something I think of as panic training.

It’s where every workout starts to feel like it has to be extremely effective, super intense, drenched in sweat, arms and legs like Jell-O by the end. And it’s all because you’re trying to stay ahead of what feels like an inevitable decline. And the problem with that mindset is that it brings you right back into a transactional relationship with exercise, where your workout has to prove something, where easing up feels dangerous, and where a simple walk on the treadmill can suddenly turn into a full-blown debate in your head about whether you’re doing enough.

And here’s where that kind of mindset starts to backfire. When you believe that every workout you do has to prove something, that it has to be hard enough, intense enough, or impressive enough, you end up putting a lot of pressure onto something that was never meant to hold that much weight in the first place. And then suddenly, every workout feels like a test. Was it hard enough? Did it count? Did I do enough? And if your answer is ever maybe not, then the guilt is fast to show up and creep in. And then you quickly feel like you slacked or like you’re getting soft or you’re losing ground.

But that whole way of thinking sits on a really shaky assumption. It assumes that your fitness is super fragile. Like it’s teetering on the edge, and one easier workout somehow undoes everything you’ve built in your prior workouts. But that’s not how physiology works. Your strength is not built in a single workout. Your endurance is not built in a single workout. Body composition, also not built in a single workout. Fitness is built through consistency over time. Fitness is the accumulation of hundreds and thousands of workouts, some hard, some moderate, and some easy. It’s through repeated act of showing up and doing your workouts, even the easier ones, that results in you getting fit. Which means that one day where you lift and then walk on the treadmill instead of totally annihilating yourself, that is not a problem. In fact, sometimes it’s exactly what your body needs.

And here’s the reframe I’ve had to learn over time. Not every workout has the same purpose. Some workouts, yes, they are meant to push your fitness forward. Those are your hard runs, your heavy lifts, the HIIT and hills rides on your Peloton for example. Those are the workouts where you really challenge yourself, push your fitness, and ask your body to adapt. And those workouts, they absolutely have a place. They make you stronger. They build capacity. They move your fitness forward.

But not every workout needs to do that. Some workouts are simply there to maintain what you’ve already built. Some workouts are there to support your body and your brain in a different way. They get your blood moving. They loosen things up, shake off stress, or clear your head. And honestly, some other workouts, they’re just there to maintain the habit of movement. Those workouts, they are not about intensity, they’re about continuity. It’s checking the box and reminding your body and your brain, hey, this is what we do. Fitness, it’s part of my life. We move. And it does not have to do anything more than that, and it certainly doesn’t have to leave you breathless.

Because showing up consistently, that matters a whole lot more than trying to prove something in a single workout. And it really doesn’t matter whether you show up and crush it one day or skate through it the next day. Those workouts count. They all count because the real goal here isn’t just to work out hard. The real goal is to still be moving your body when you’re 95. And that requires more than just intensity. It requires sustainability. It requires listening to your body. It requires letting some workouts be easier without using that as evidence that you’re slipping because taking care of your body for the long haul, that does not come from punishment. Really, it comes from respect for yourself, your body, and the fact that you’re playing the long game here.

If you’re listening to this and recognizing a little bit of yourself here, I’ve got you. My goal is to help you get curious about your own relationship with exercise because this fear of not good enough is pervasive. So we’re pulling this apart, and not to be judgmental, just curious. A lot of us carry some pretty complicated beliefs into our workouts and sometimes we don’t even realize they’re there.

So here are just a few simple questions to help guide you and slow you down the next time you work out. Before you get started, or even as you’re getting ready, just ask yourself, why am I doing this workout today? And then answer it honestly and see what comes up. Maybe your answer is I’m taking care of my body. Or maybe it’s something more like, I feel like I have something to prove. Or I have to go harder or it doesn’t count.

And again, this is not about judging yourself. It’s just about noticing what’s actually driving your exercise, whether you’re moving because you enjoy it or because you feel like part of you needs to punish yourself. And if you happen to choose an easier workout that day, like a walk instead of a run, or lighter weights instead of an all-out push, just notice how quickly your brain wants to make that mean something. Because honestly, that alone will tell you a whole lot about your relationship with exercise. Maybe you start thinking to yourself that a lighter workout means you’re getting soft or that you’re slipping or that you’re not as disciplined as you thought you were. Remember, your brain is super quick to attach meaning to things like that.

And if you notice that your motivation to work out is coming from a harsh place, like fear or pressure or feeling like you’ve got to prove your discipline, that’s information. It’s not something to judge yourself for. Really, it’s just something to notice. And once you see it, you have an opportunity to choose something different. And that doesn’t have to mean some huge overhaul to your workout. Most of the time, the change is much more subtle than that. It might mean choosing a workout that matches where you are that day, not because you feel like you’ve got to prove something and grind. It might mean letting a workout be easier without making it mean you’re slipping.

It might also mean recognizing that the voice that keeps telling you to push harder isn’t always coming from the most helpful place. And sometimes you might even change the lens and ask yourself a different question entirely, meaning instead of asking yourself, how hard can I push today? You ask, what would actually make sense for me today? And sometimes the answer to that question will be a hard workout because some days you feel strong and energized and ready to go and going hard is exactly the right thing. But other times, the answer might be something simpler, like a lighter lift, a walk, moving your body, but without trying to squeeze everything out of it.

And when the motivation and intention behind your workout shifts from punishment or over-pushing to supporting, your relationship with exercise starts to change. And for me, that shift did not happen overnight. It showed up very gradually, at times when I still exercised but didn’t walk away after every workout feeling beaten to a pulp. It showed up when I started letting a walk be sufficient. It started showing up when the voice inside that screamed, you’re going to get flabby, simmered down because I knew that wasn’t true.

And that is exactly what I had to remind myself of this morning on the treadmill. I lifted my weights. I moved my body. And instead of pushing for something harder, I just walked. I listened to my music. I let the walk be good enough without having to go 110%. And for a brief moment, I felt it. I felt the familiar mental gymnastics of, this isn’t good enough. You’re going to lose ground. You need to be doing more. But the difference now is that I recognize that voice for what it is. It’s not a fact. It’s not physiology. It’s just an old belief that used to drive so many of my workouts.

And instead of letting that take over, I reminded myself of something simple. My fitness, it is not all or nothing. One workout does not define my strength, my body, or my progress. And one easier day definitely does not erase years of consistency. And that last one is huge. What actually matters is that you keep showing up, that you keep moving your body in a way that helps you instead of punishes you, that you keep building a relationship with movement that you can actually sustain because the goal here isn’t to win today’s workout. The goal is to still be moving your body decades from now.

So sometimes that means pushing hard. Sometimes that means lifting your weights, getting on a treadmill, and walking while you zone out to music and letting that be enough. And if you’ve been carrying that pressure into your workouts, that every session has to be intense or has to prove something, maybe this is your reminder that it doesn’t. Not every workout has to prove that you’ve still got it. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is just keep showing up and let that be enough.

All right? If you want help with this, let’s go. When you coach with me, we work on the relationship you have with exercise and with yourself so that taking care of your body stops feeling like punishment and starts feeling like something that fits your life. Check out my website. Send me a message at www.CarrieHollandMD.com/contact and let’s talk about how coaching can help you build a way of eating, moving, and thinking that actually lasts. All right? Thank you again for hanging out with me and I’ll catch you again next week.

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You’ll also find strength training tips to help you train smarter and see real results. My goal is to help you get strong and this strength-training guide will help you do it. Go to CarrieHollandMD.com/build strength and check it out.

Thank you for listening to the Strong Is a Mindset podcast. If you want to learn more about how to build both a strong mind and a strong body by eating, moving, and most importantly, thinking, check out CarrieHollandMD.com.